Betrayed

[Index]

Recently I discovered that my J-girlfriend has cheated on me and lied to me about it after I confronted her. My dilemma is of course whether I can ever trust her again. Aside from the lies relating to her cheating, it turns out that she has been lying to me about her job. While I thought she was working a secretary's job, she has been working as a hostess. The situation is made more complex by the fact that I'm not in Japan right now-I've been away for over a year since having an accident there, but she is still living in Tokyo. The issue is not that she was working as a hostess (I know she was doing it before we met) but that she lied to me about it.

I read with interest some of the other posts regarding the intrinsic tendencies that Japanese people have for lying in order not to hurt/offend someone, and even though I can understand this, it doesn't give me a secure basis from which to work on trusting her again. The prognosis is not too good, so to speak.

From what I have read recently, it seems many people think cheating is quite widespread amongst Japanese. I must say I once had a short fling with a girl in Japan who had had a boyfriend for five years and was planning to marry him. Yet I didn't realize my case was so unexceptional.

I'm wondering now whether I would want to get married to somebody whom I could not intrinsically trust.

I might add that whilst my girlfriend did cheat on me, she had told me previously that she considered cheating wrong, so it would seem that irrespective of whether it happens or not, the concept of loyalty and fidelity is not unknown in Japan.

 

[Duo]

Whoaa, sorry about your situtiation, i can imagine the predicament you are in, but for me, once someone cheats on you, it's over, i don't think i could trust that person again. Maybe it's time for you to move on, else, if you go back together, you will never be to trust her fully again, and then little doubts will arise to you everyday, is she really at the mall? is she really with her friends? Relationships shouldn't be about suffering, but enoyment, she cuased you pain and suffering once, you'll never forget that no matter what, perhaps it's about time to start a blank slate relationship with someone else.

 

[Doc]

I say dump her and find somebody else. Anybody who does something like that doesn't deserve to be given a second chance. Find somebody you can trust, not somebody you can't.

Doc

 

[jieshi]

hhhmmmmm if your away and you can't work it out i say cut it. If you can't trust her while you are away I don't think you can trust her at all

 

[DoctorP]

One thing to consider. She was working as a hostess! Her job is to entertain men, and make them spend money. Some places take it to more extremes than others. Did you really think that you could trust her to start with? I have known many men who dated hostesses (many different nationalities) and only a few came away with a keeper! There is always a possibility that it could work out, but is that really who you want to be with? She didn't have any respect for herself, why would she respect you? (once again, I'm not saying all hostesses are bad people...I actually know a few very nice women, and they were pushed into the job to care for their child)

I say cut your losses, learn from this, and go in search of the next "one".

 

[kz_princess]

i also think it's over for you, guys....but eerrrmmm....how does she feel about it? may be she regrets looking back now....i must confess, I cheated on my bf too while he was away, he was gone for a year, veeery hard times, after I did I realized that I did it because I didn't want to be with him anymore, it was sort of breaking up in a harsh way with him...he forgave me after all and gave me a second chance, but he couldn't trust me anymore although I have been a real good girlie...but we didn't last long after that, relationship was a torture both for me and him especially, I'm glad we cut it, same I advise to you, no matter what, you are far away anyways and can't be there to talk to her in person to be able to tell if it's gonna happen again or if her cheating was just a horrible mistake

 

[Doc]

Personally I don't trust anybody who would cheat on you. Seriously I think you've reached the lowest of the low if you can't control yourself (no offense kz_princess). I honestly think if a person has to cheat for sex or whatever because of their immature and misguided perceptions of what a relationship should be like, then they shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. From experience, I've been backstabbed more than I can count. A few of them were so bad, I'm surprised that I still associate with society at all. I don't trust anybody, and if I do it takes a lot to gain my trust. Simply put, if you screw up once (especially like cheating) you're out of my life for good. I'm not going to be put through that hell again, and I swear to that too. I guess that's one reason why I'm still single. With the way it seems relationships, sex, etc. are perceived from people today, I feel like it's not worth my time or effort to trust somebody of the opposite sex in a relationship. Of course that's just me. Take it for what you want because I really don't care. Personally I'm happy this way, and I wouldn't want anybody to change that. In all seriousness Index, I suggest you dump her and move on with your life. It's a lot better than getting hurt again.

Doc

 

[Index]

窶禿岩?忿窶堋ｭ窶堋ｳ窶堋｢窶堙按。
Just when I thought things were looking up too...

 

[Doc]

Sorry Index, was I too negative?

Doc

 

[kz_princess]

Doc, we are only humans and do have the right for mistakes, I don't justify whatever I did long time ago nor I try to look better in someone's eyes, I have the guts to confess that it happened and I'm sorry it did but it's the just the way it occured during that period of my life, it doesn't mean I have a bad label for the rest of my being, but you are right, it could never work out for me and that guy ever again, but some couples do survive thru this and are able to forgive

 

[Doc]

Doc, we are only humans and do have the right for mistakes, I don't justify whatever I did long time ago nor I try to look better in someone's eyes, I have the guts to confess that it happened and I'm sorry it did but it's the just the way it occured during that period of my life, it doesn't mean I have a bad label for the rest of my being, but you are right, it could never work out for me and that guy ever again, but some couples do survive thru this and are able to forgive

Well I didn't mean it like that if that's what you thought. I know humans are prone to error. We're imperfect after all, and there's nothing we can do about it. Now I didn't mean just because you cheated you are a bad person, far from it. I was just saying that if people have those misgivings on a relationship, that they shouldn't be in one in the first place. Maturity helps solve that problem. That's what I meant there. Also like you said, some couples realize this and fix what went wrong. As for me, when somebody has really screwed me I literally shut them out of my life. That doesn't mean that they can't change and still be a good person, it's just that my past has been filled with more backstabbings than I can count. I know I sound pessmistic here, but I'm not always like this. Just on controversal issues like this one does the past like to come back and haunt me. I apologize if I offended you in any way. That was not my intention.

Doc

 

[okaeri_man]

woah-ho, i've been in a similar situation actually with a jgirl. do yourself a favour and tell her she's a heartless inconsiderate **** and never talk to her again. i wish i had... $10 says she's cheated on you more than just once (more like 5 times), and is probably still living with the current one.

 

[Index]

You guys are all pretty consequential it seems, and unforgiving (?), but I appreciate your advice. Funnily enough I would have given the same advice to anyone who asked, up until just a few weeks ago. I seem to have a problem in that I feel like I want to try everything out on my own instead of listening to advice. If I had listened to others I may not have ploughed my bike into a car at 100km/hr in Chiba too...

 

[jieshi]

woah-ho, i've been in a similar situation actually with a jgirl. do yourself a favour and tell her she's a heartless inconsiderate **** and never talk to her again. i wish i had... $10 says she's cheated on you more than just once (more like 5 times), and is probably still living with the current one.

mate, a gentle answer turnth away wraith. Promise you it has worked for me everytime, not that im saying you are to let people walk all over you. But you are going to find people are going to like you (and respect) alot more if you are gentle but firm in your responses to situations like this.

 

[kz_princess]

Well I didn't mean it like that if that's what you thought. I know humans are prone to error. We're imperfect after all, and there's nothing we can do about it. Now I didn't mean just because you cheated you are a bad person, far from it. I was just saying that if people have those misgivings on a relationship, that they shouldn't be in one in the first place. Maturity helps solve that problem. That's what I meant there. Also like you said, some couples realize this and fix what went wrong. As for me, when somebody has really screwed me I literally shut them out of my life. That doesn't mean that they can't change and still be a good person, it's just that my past has been filled with more backstabbings than I can count. I know I sound pessmistic here, but I'm not always like this. Just on controversal issues like this one does the past like to come back and haunt me. I apologize if I offended you in any way. That was not my intention.

Doc

Oh, Doc, I'm really sorry too but I think the past keeps you from at least trying to get together with someone, I bet it's hard to trust anyone but I really really hope and wish you to find a person who will make u think of all ur dissapointment as a bad past joke

 

[gokarosama]

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, etc....

 

[Link]

well I kinda know how ya feel Index. I just broke up with my gf on sunday for her lieing to me tho I found out she was just using me to get back at her ex and not the whole cheating thing tho I wouldn't be surprised.and like they say there are plenty of fish in the sea ya just have to use the right bait to catch the perfect one. well I thought I would put my insight of all this in so peace out

Link

 

[Sally_Hawn]

This is getting creepier and creepier (spelling?) ﾂ…

Kz_Princess is a man, and he is sending out a message like this: ﾂ"It is okay for a woman to cheat. It might be better for her in the long-run.ﾂ"

Ironically this promiscuous attitude probably will gain ﾂ"herﾂ" more admirers from the male than the female population.

Yeah, and that butt helps too (looks like Madonna's on her Blonde Ambition tour poster).

 

[kz_princess]

Sally Hawn...."Have you had your dose of what today?" (by Damicci)

 

[Damicci]

Sally Hawn...."Have you had your dose of what today?" (by Damicci)

Why does she keep mentioning you being a man?

I would just suggest talk to your friend. Explain what the deal is and how you feel. Make sure she understands she has to accept your decision as a friend. Maybe things can go better for you guys in the future.
Good Luck

 

[okaeri_man]

mate, a gentle answer turnth away wraith. Promise you it has worked for me everytime, not that im saying you are to let people walk all over you. But you are going to find people are going to like you (and respect) alot more if you are gentle but firm in your responses to situations like this.

ah but time is the best teacher (it also kills all its students). having been walked all over makes me inclined to justifiable outbursts.

I seem to have a problem in that I feel like I want to try everything out on my own instead of listening to advice.

fair enough. i guess... but then why post in the first place asking for people's advice and opinions? rhetorical question, no need to answer. but keep that $10 handy, i got a feeling it's coming my way.

 

[Index]

fair enough. i guess... but then why post in the first place asking for people's advice and opinions? rhetorical question, no need to answer. but keep that $10 handy, i got a feeling it's coming my way.

I was just rereading my posts in this thread to try and find the place where I asked for people's advice and opinions, but I can't seem to....someone must have deleted that bit.

 

[okaeri_man]

oh i'm so sorry. please forgive both me and everybody else who took the time to write their opinions and advice. maybe next time write your story on a bit of toilet paper.

 

[Index]

oh i'm so sorry. please forgive both me and everybody else who took the time to write their opinions and advice. maybe next time write your story on a bit of toilet paper.

I'm sorry I pissed you off. I started this thread in relation to a lot of other discussions I'd noticed on this forum regarding fidelity in the context of Japanese culture. I wanted to share my experience and also note that the concept of fidelity is not unknown in Japan, and that it is considered noble to some degree.

 

[Duo]

You guys are all pretty consequential it seems, and unforgiving (?), but I appreciate your advice.

hmmmmm so u like the advice here

I was just rereading my posts in this thread to try and find the place where I asked for people's advice and opinions, but I can't seem to....someone must have deleted that bit.

but what happend here ? strange strange ☝

I seem to have a problem in that I feel like I want to try everything out on my own instead of listening to advice.

I see now, well maybe you shouldn't have opend a thread such as this explaining your story, and perhaps you should have made it clearer, DON'T WANT ADVICE, just saying what happend to me. All the people who took the time and tried to be kind to you by providing you with their opinion on what would be best, you just blew them off now. If you feel that people are intruding in your affairs maybe you shouldn't have opend the door.