Declared dead to a credit card company.
- Thread starter Revenant
- Start date
Steve Red
先輩
- 25 Mar 2011
- 94
- 8
Now Revenant, I think the following answer to your request for advice is true, helpful, and positive. Please let me know which sentence you "do not see eye to eye on"?
- 20 Aug 2003
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Then you don't understand a single thing we have told you. I'm not surprised.
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #54
Very condescending. Why don't you start off with the first and foremost important thing you felt I didn't understand, and we'll work on each point one at a time. I've been through too many of these to know that often even if I make a good point it'll be ignored, so one at a time.
I absolutely know I'm wrong in some ways and very right in others. So you want to go through that? I'm willing to be honest even to the point of foolishness (as some of my Japanese students put it), but I will not simply be told I didn't understand a single thing without debating every point one by one, and there is a lot more to this than I've posted thus far.
I absolutely know I'm wrong in some ways and very right in others. So you want to go through that? I'm willing to be honest even to the point of foolishness (as some of my Japanese students put it), but I will not simply be told I didn't understand a single thing without debating every point one by one, and there is a lot more to this than I've posted thus far.
Steve Red
先輩
- 25 Mar 2011
- 94
- 8
Uh, hello, Revenant, you looked at the above 2 posts and chose to IGNORE mine?
YOU came into the Shiga thread and said you don't see eye-to-eye with ME, so why don't you start off with the first and foremost important thing you felt you didn't see eye-to-eye on:
YOU came into the Shiga thread and said you don't see eye-to-eye with ME, so why don't you start off with the first and foremost important thing you felt you didn't see eye-to-eye on:
- 15 Mar 2002
- 16,758
- 2,298
I have decided to say nothing more regarding Revenant's problems, but I do want to chime in to point out one thing for which he does deserve some credit and which I think may get overlooked:
Most of us who have come to Japan and remained at least as long as he has did so as a result of a personal choice to come live here. Revenant is here as a result of his actions and a choice to try to do what is right. Living in Japan was more of a sudden and unexpected development in his life than anything else. Every other factor aside, he DOES deserve some credit for showing up and hanging in there so far. Even for those of us who made a more leisurely and informed choice about living here go through phases where we get sort of disgusted with the place. Try to imagine what it must be like for somebody who wasn't figuring on being here at all to begin with. As I said....he does deserve some credit, and I don't think he has gotten any on that count.
Most of us who have come to Japan and remained at least as long as he has did so as a result of a personal choice to come live here. Revenant is here as a result of his actions and a choice to try to do what is right. Living in Japan was more of a sudden and unexpected development in his life than anything else. Every other factor aside, he DOES deserve some credit for showing up and hanging in there so far. Even for those of us who made a more leisurely and informed choice about living here go through phases where we get sort of disgusted with the place. Try to imagine what it must be like for somebody who wasn't figuring on being here at all to begin with. As I said....he does deserve some credit, and I don't think he has gotten any on that count.
Steve Red
先輩
- 25 Mar 2011
- 94
- 8
Right on! I feel relieved to hear that. My inner theme song is, "I'm just a man who is simple and good, dear lord please don't let me be misunderstood." It seems you understand me, so I feel fine now.
About my post, although I wrote the final portion in a very positive way, and added a heart as well, here is the STRAIGHT-OUT point I'm trying to make:
REGARDLESS of whether your wife has committed grave injustices against you or not, the REALISTIC fact is: she has the power to take your son away from you forever because this is JAPAN where once the divorce happens YOU WILL NOT GET CUSTODY!
Even if you, against all odds, were somehow able to prove to the court that she is an unfit mother, the court will simply award custody to her parents. Case Closed. There is no "forcing Canadian laws on the situation." There is no "50/50 Custody." There is no "fairness." There is you becoming like Debito: totally estranged forever. By the time your son turns 20, he will probably have been totally mentally poisoned against you by the custody holder. The custody holder (whether it be the mother, or her parents, might even convince him that you are indeed DEAD.)
So, never mind my idealistic post, this is my realistic post: if you want to continue seeing your son, you had better avoid divorce, and if you want to avoid divorce, you had better make your wife happier, REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS FAIR.
Nothing you say about your wife is going to change the facts written above. Nothing.
Is that realistic enough for you?
I like my "idealistic" phrasing better.You can continue to keep seeing your son, if you start doing little things now, to please the person holding all the power here in Japan: your wife. :12:
Steve Red
先輩
- 25 Mar 2011
- 94
- 8
Good point Mike.
Yeah Rev, as Mike so kindly reminded us, the fact that you ARE here in Japan for your son (and so openly sharing your life story with us in an effort to get advice about how to CONTINUE to be with your son) deserves much respect.
The truth is, EVERY single member here has done things in the past, and are doing things in the present, that if we had the balls to admit to them as you have, WE would be harshly criticized as well. The main difference between you and everyone else here is that you have openly posted your faults, while the rest of us simply keep out faults hidden.
For example, every human here in Japan does bad things everyday, breaking Japan's laws on a daily basis (for example, downloading uncensored pornography, driving faster than the posted speed limit, etc.) but since we don't openly POST those facts about ourselves we cheerfully avoid being criticized by the group.
Now, back to your situation, how's THIS for realistic:
A) Try taking your son to Canada, Narita officials arrest and deport you, you never see your son again.
B) Start living separately from your wife, she gets a divorce by default, you never see your son again.
C) Suck it up, start getting along with "the b*tch", you two stay together, you see your son everyday.
I don't see a 4th option here, do you?
Yeah Rev, as Mike so kindly reminded us, the fact that you ARE here in Japan for your son (and so openly sharing your life story with us in an effort to get advice about how to CONTINUE to be with your son) deserves much respect.
The truth is, EVERY single member here has done things in the past, and are doing things in the present, that if we had the balls to admit to them as you have, WE would be harshly criticized as well. The main difference between you and everyone else here is that you have openly posted your faults, while the rest of us simply keep out faults hidden.
For example, every human here in Japan does bad things everyday, breaking Japan's laws on a daily basis (for example, downloading uncensored pornography, driving faster than the posted speed limit, etc.) but since we don't openly POST those facts about ourselves we cheerfully avoid being criticized by the group.
Now, back to your situation, how's THIS for realistic:
A) Try taking your son to Canada, Narita officials arrest and deport you, you never see your son again.
B) Start living separately from your wife, she gets a divorce by default, you never see your son again.
C) Suck it up, start getting along with "the b*tch", you two stay together, you see your son everyday.
I don't see a 4th option here, do you?
- 20 Aug 2003
- 4,910
- 416
Frankly, I give Revenant only marginal credit.
Yes, he said he got married for the sake of their son.
Yes, he came back to Japan to try making amends of sorts.
That's where it ends.
Revenant,
You have not answered my question about whether you have a job here. At least, in all the posting, I don't think you have said so. If you have not, that's a big negative point for someone trying to be responsible to his family. You even label yourself as "really on the laidback side" (with regard to finding work). Uh, so what do you do with yourself all day long to earn your wife's respect in this regard?
Second, you claim to have given your email address to some tart in a gaijin bar. Your story about why is ludicrous, and the fact that you spent only 2000 yen suggests you weren't clay-faced drunk at the time. ("I'm not a guy that likes to tell people 'no',") Bottom line, you knew it could lead to trouble, yet you couldn't tell the tart to buzz off with the Nigerian guy. To use your own words:
"Have I given her any reason to make our relationship smoother? No, I haven't in the past few years." Poor show of responsibility again.
Third, you contribute to overspending on the credit card and compound that by not telling the home money manager. Forget that your wife may have (unclear here) added to that, but she's the one you let hold the purse-strings, and you are irresponsible in spending without telling her.
You then post this amazing remark:
"I have little trouble discussing and even being condemned, criticized, or even ripped apart by people online."
...yet you continue to post bizarre contradictions like this:
"In some ways I'm feeling I've been severely reprimanded by my wiser elders ..., and with some things I agree, and some I still don't."
What exactly is it you don't agree with us on?
Finally, you admit to not even knowing what we (or I) have been telling you -- to grow up, to act more responsibly, etc. I don't see how you can miss that!
So, now you offer this floundering morsel for us to nibble on, as if we should really believe you:
"I absolutely know I'm wrong in some ways and very right in others. So you want to go through that?"
If you are indeed right, tell us what you mean. I haven't seen anything here yet. That's not condescending. That's just plain reality.
D) Don't suck it up. Laze about and continue not taking responsibility, yet live with the wife and son in utter misery because of the lack of responsibility. I don't foresee much future if that keeps up. It'll end up at option B.
There is a fifth alternative:
E) Suck it up. Grow up. Do things that your wife won't expect to make the home life better. End up getting a divorce anyway (right after she gets PR) because she just can't deal with the previous crap, but end up keeping a semblance of relationship with your son.
Yes, he said he got married for the sake of their son.
Yes, he came back to Japan to try making amends of sorts.
That's where it ends.
Revenant,
You have not answered my question about whether you have a job here. At least, in all the posting, I don't think you have said so. If you have not, that's a big negative point for someone trying to be responsible to his family. You even label yourself as "really on the laidback side" (with regard to finding work). Uh, so what do you do with yourself all day long to earn your wife's respect in this regard?
Second, you claim to have given your email address to some tart in a gaijin bar. Your story about why is ludicrous, and the fact that you spent only 2000 yen suggests you weren't clay-faced drunk at the time. ("I'm not a guy that likes to tell people 'no',") Bottom line, you knew it could lead to trouble, yet you couldn't tell the tart to buzz off with the Nigerian guy. To use your own words:
"Have I given her any reason to make our relationship smoother? No, I haven't in the past few years." Poor show of responsibility again.
Third, you contribute to overspending on the credit card and compound that by not telling the home money manager. Forget that your wife may have (unclear here) added to that, but she's the one you let hold the purse-strings, and you are irresponsible in spending without telling her.
You then post this amazing remark:
"I have little trouble discussing and even being condemned, criticized, or even ripped apart by people online."
...yet you continue to post bizarre contradictions like this:
"In some ways I'm feeling I've been severely reprimanded by my wiser elders ..., and with some things I agree, and some I still don't."
What exactly is it you don't agree with us on?
Finally, you admit to not even knowing what we (or I) have been telling you -- to grow up, to act more responsibly, etc. I don't see how you can miss that!
So, now you offer this floundering morsel for us to nibble on, as if we should really believe you:
"I absolutely know I'm wrong in some ways and very right in others. So you want to go through that?"
If you are indeed right, tell us what you mean. I haven't seen anything here yet. That's not condescending. That's just plain reality.
Sure, it's pretty much what he's been doing all along:Steve Red said:
D) Don't suck it up. Laze about and continue not taking responsibility, yet live with the wife and son in utter misery because of the lack of responsibility. I don't foresee much future if that keeps up. It'll end up at option B.
There is a fifth alternative:
E) Suck it up. Grow up. Do things that your wife won't expect to make the home life better. End up getting a divorce anyway (right after she gets PR) because she just can't deal with the previous crap, but end up keeping a semblance of relationship with your son.
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #61
No, all honest opinions, and thank you Mr. Cash for recognizing the slight good in me. Steve Red you continue to be just awesome but honest. Glenski. I will get back to you in a bit. I will never abandon this thread for one reason only, I intend on posting on JREF for quite a long time, and I thus I do hope to make myself understood.
Steve Red
先輩
- 25 Mar 2011
- 94
- 8
A Japanese woman getting a divorce in Japan means the father never sees his child again, in almost every case. Why assume Rev will be the lucky exception?
It seems like "idealistic" dreaming to think that the person with legal custody (the Japanese mother) is going to ever let her son see her ex again after the divorce.
The majority of Japanese society, the majority of the time, convince the majority of Japanese mothers: to completely cut all ties with the divorced father. For example, even IF the court grants you a token 4 hours a month of visitation (if you're lucky), most Japanese families don't even allow that, they simply don't open the door to you, or move to another location. And complaining to the court about that illegal non-compliance gets no results.
So let's NOT give the false impression that one might continue to have a semblance of a relationship with one's child after a divorce with a Japanese woman. In Japan: divorce = Sayonara papa.
And as Christopher & Noriko's break-up has made clear, the "take the Japanese wife to U.S.A/Canada, get a 50/50 custody court decision there" idea doesn't work. Japanese mothers are quickly convinced by their parents and by Japanese society in general to "bring the children home and cut all ties with that good-for-nothing ex, meaning: no more phone calls, no more letters, and DEFINITELY no more visits."
Perhaps somebody here is going to try to post an article about a 1 percent exception case, where a Japanese mother DID allow her ex to continue seeing her child, but if you believe that you too will be such a lucky exception, then perhaps one should go buy some lottery tickets too.
I've posted the painful truth in many ways, here is my final advice for any male who has married a Japanese female: "If you want to continue seeing your child, you MUST continue living with your wife." :12:
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #64
Glenski, I currently make on average 230 000 yen a month. I have a variety of jobs, everything from jukus, to YMCA, to kominkans, to private students, to elementary schools and kindergartens. It's hardly as you imagine that I'm some unemployed bum living off someone. I made more before, but I was laid off from one of my jobs in March, and I missed the prime time to find replacement income. I was laid back about finding a replacement job cause I had never found it difficult to find jobs at any time of year and I didn't know that September was the best time to find work and thus possibly missed getting a decent job, I am getting some new private students and starting at another elementary school soon, but I haven't replaced the income I lost yet.
Does that clear that up yet? As I said, one point at a time.
Does that clear that up yet? As I said, one point at a time.
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #65
Well my credit card doesn't work anymore, and it was good till 2014, so whether that's just the one credit card company or extends to all remains to be seen. Dunno, I don't currently miss having a credit card though, so I'll figure that out later when I feel I need one again.
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #66
To Mike: I understand you were just speaking your thoughts, and that I have been as you said irresponsible and discontent. I want to keep the family together, at one time I didn't, I just wanted out. I thinking on it later feel that at one point, I am in the wrong, it isn't only I, but the wife as well. But in the end, the only guy I have any control over, is myself, but also in part due to my rebellion of sorts, she has put in more effort into doing what I find important. Dunno if you understand that.
To Glenski: I honestly have seen nothing but criticism from you, in any thread I've posted in. I can hardly connect with you at all. In one thread wherein I told I had a class of grade five students in which only three were listening to me, you were quick to suggest my lessons must be boring. After I explained that it was one of the worst schools here, and my YMCA boss a PTA member of that school was in discussions to try and figure out how to improve the grade five classes (his son was a grade five student there at that time), you never came back to that thread. You've been the harshest critic here, and you haven't come back to this thread since the last post. I'm calling you out, FFWA style, just reference to the first rough and tumble forum I started out on and still belong to, and that most are trolls but most in the end connect.
To Glenski: I honestly have seen nothing but criticism from you, in any thread I've posted in. I can hardly connect with you at all. In one thread wherein I told I had a class of grade five students in which only three were listening to me, you were quick to suggest my lessons must be boring. After I explained that it was one of the worst schools here, and my YMCA boss a PTA member of that school was in discussions to try and figure out how to improve the grade five classes (his son was a grade five student there at that time), you never came back to that thread. You've been the harshest critic here, and you haven't come back to this thread since the last post. I'm calling you out, FFWA style, just reference to the first rough and tumble forum I started out on and still belong to, and that most are trolls but most in the end connect.
- 20 Aug 2003
- 4,910
- 416
You're "calling me out"??????? Gunfight at the JREF corral?
You asked for advice. You got it. Take it or leave. You are really beginning to bore me.
230,000 is peanuts. Glad to hear you're hustling, but really!
Yes, I criticize you. It's a form of advice. You are also not reading between the lines or reading my direct advice. You also refuse to answer direct questions about what you are doing to better your situation. Why should I bother further?
As for not having come back "since the last post", I've been busy with my own life and work. Are you complaining now that you missed me? Weird. I'm done with this whole thread. It's been an education and almost a waste of time. I honestly hope you get through this, but it's going to take some major life changes in yourself, and no more being who you've been in life. Realizing that and admitting it are ok, but you don't seem to be doing anything here but making excuses.
You asked for advice. You got it. Take it or leave. You are really beginning to bore me.
230,000 is peanuts. Glad to hear you're hustling, but really!
Yes, I criticize you. It's a form of advice. You are also not reading between the lines or reading my direct advice. You also refuse to answer direct questions about what you are doing to better your situation. Why should I bother further?
As for not having come back "since the last post", I've been busy with my own life and work. Are you complaining now that you missed me? Weird. I'm done with this whole thread. It's been an education and almost a waste of time. I honestly hope you get through this, but it's going to take some major life changes in yourself, and no more being who you've been in life. Realizing that and admitting it are ok, but you don't seem to be doing anything here but making excuses.
Revenant
後輩
- 7 Mar 2005
- 634
- 38
- Thread starter
- #68
I just find it awfully annoying when you criticize, then when I take the time to answer, you just never bother coming back. Fair enough if you think it's hopeless here.
230 000 is peanuts. As I said before, I used to make more, more in the realm of 350 000 (not a lot in comparison to some teachers here I'll agree). First I lost a rash of students due to IBS symptoms, then I was laid off from one of my better jobs in March.
If you're done here, then so am I.
230 000 is peanuts. As I said before, I used to make more, more in the realm of 350 000 (not a lot in comparison to some teachers here I'll agree). First I lost a rash of students due to IBS symptoms, then I was laid off from one of my better jobs in March.
If you're done here, then so am I.
- 3 Aug 2007
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- 20 Aug 2003
- 4,910
- 416
With 2 grammar mistakes in such a simple sentence... oh, forget it.Thats more then I make (after taxes).
