Translation critique

Could I ask someone to please evaluate my translation? I'm sure I have the gist of this piece, but I'm having trouble with some of the phrases.

And sorry about the romaji, but the library i'm studying at doesn't have the kana character sets installed

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Watashi no uchi wa kama kura no umi no soba ni arimasu. Totemo shizuka na tokoro desu. Kyoo wa amari samuku arimasen deshita. Sore de, ane to issho ni kaigan e ikimashita. Sora to umi ga totemo kirei deshita. Shyashin o takusan torimashita. Kyoo wa doyoobi deshita kedo, hito wa amari imasen deshita. Ookii kino shita de obentoo o tabemashita.

I live in a house by the sea. It's a peaceful place, and today it's not too cold. My sister and I went to the seashore together. The sea and sky were beautiful, and I took lots of pictures. Although it was Saturday, there was no one around. We ate box lunches under a tall tree.
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I don't get kama kura... I'm not sure i've even seen it in my textbook, and neither kama nore kura are listed in the book's glossary.

Also, I'm not sure if I'm using the phrase: hito wa amari imasen deshita correctly.

Any help, critiques, or comments would be apreciated.

thanks

Kamakura: City in Kanagawa Prefecture

And there weren't many people around (as opposed to there being no one at all around)

sha_kai said:

Watashi no uchi wa kama kura no umi no soba ni arimasu. Totemo shizuka na tokoro desu. Kyoo wa amari samuku arimasen deshita. Sore de, ane to issho ni kaigan e ikimashita. Sora to umi ga totemo kirei deshita. Shyashin o takusan torimashita. Kyoo wa doyoobi deshita kedo, hito wa amari imasen deshita. Ookii kino shita de obentoo o tabemashita.

I live in a house by the sea. It's a peaceful place, and today it's not too cold.

Click to expand...

"Today it wasn't too cold." Look at the tense of the verb in the Japanese.

My sister and I went to the seashore together. The sea and sky were beautiful, and I took lots of pictures. Although it was Saturday, there was no one around. We ate box lunches under a tall tree.
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I don't get kama kura... I'm not sure i've even seen it in my textbook, and neither kama nore kura are listed in the book's glossary.

Click to expand...

Kamakura is a city in Japan, that's probably what it's referring to. Which makes it "My house is by the sea near Kamakura."

Also, I'm not sure if I'm using the phrase: hito wa amari imasen deshita correctly.

Click to expand...

It's more like "There weren't very many people around." If you want to say "there was no one around" it's "Nichiyoubi nanoni, hito ha dare mo imasen deshita." Other than that, it's pretty good.

Thanks so very much for the help!

mikecash said:

Kamakura: City in Kanagawa Prefecture

And there weren't many people around (as opposed to there being no one at all around)

Click to expand...

Thanks, I never would have figured that Kanakura was a place name... But it probably gets easier as you're vocabulary grows, yes (I hope)?

CorDarei said:

"Today it wasn't too cold." Look at the tense of the verb in the Japanese.

Click to expand...

Oops... Stupid mistake on my part

And thanks everyone for the help with hito wa amari imasen deshita, I don't know why but I just couldn.t get the meaning behind it.

CorDarei said:

Other than that, it's pretty good.

Click to expand...

Thanks, but not really. It took me over an hour to read that part, and it's just the first paragraph

Thanks, I never would have figured that Kanakura was a place name... But it probably gets easier as you're vocabulary grows, yes (I hope)?

Click to expand...

One trick to short circuit learning all the thousands of Japanese place names is to remember that most nouns as possessives of geographic locales (oceans, harbors, cities etc) are the name/location of that thing they modify. In this case Kamakura no umi just happens to be the Sea of Kamakura.

Sore de, ane to issho ni kaigan e ikimashita. Sora to umi ga totemo kirei deshita. Shyashin o takusan torimashita. Kyoo wa doyoobi deshita kedo, hito wa amari imasen deshita. Ookii kino shita de obentoo o tabemashita.

Click to expand...

It's a (very) peaceful place, and today it's (it wasn't very cold) not too cold. (Therefore) My sister and I went to the seashore together. The sea and sky were (really) beautiful, and I took lots of pictures. Although it was Saturday, there was no one around. We ate box lunches under a tall (big) tree.

Elizabeth said:

One trick to short circuit learning all the thousands of Japanese place names is to remember that most nouns as possessives of geographic locales (oceans, harbors, cities etc) are the name/location of that thing they modify. In this case Kamakura no umi just happens to be the Sea of Kamakura.

Click to expand...

In hindsight that makes so much sense that I can't belive I didn't see it before.

Elizabeth said:

It's a (very) peaceful place, and today it's (it wasn't very cold) not too cold. (Therefore) My sister and I went to the seashore together. The sea and sky were (really) beautiful, and I took lots of pictures. Although it was Saturday, there was no one around. We ate box lunches under a tall (big) tree.

Click to expand...

And a half dozen bricks fall an my head... Ouch.

Although, when I saw Totemo shizuka na tokoro desu, I chose the word 'peaceful' because it doesn't interupt the flow of the thought in english like 'very quiet' does... The same for Sora to umi ga totemo kirei deshita and beuatiful, but am i wrong in choosing these words in interpretation...?

Personally I would say "My house is in Kamakura, at the seaside" or something - it's not "the sea of Kamakura" like you say "the Sea of Japan" - it's not a proper name.

"Peaceful" and "beautiful" are fine.

I'll just do a version "par acquit de conscience" though I've had 6 hours sleep which isn't much for me. I'm not saying your version is wrong - I haven't really read it carefully to tell ya the truth - so pick what you like.

Watashi no uchi wa kama kura no umi no soba ni arimasu.
My home is near the sea at Kamakura.
[I don't think it is "next to" or your house would get washed away]

Totemo shizuka na tokoro desu.
It is a very peaceful place.

Kyoo wa amari samuku arimasen deshita. Sore de, ane to issho ni kaigan e ikimashita.
It wasn't too cold today, so I went to the sea shore with my [big] sister.
[I don't like the use of "sore" de there very much but that may just be a style thing... Also you'd probably use a different verb to "iku" normally]

Sora to umi ga totemo kirei deshita.
The sea and sky were very beautiful.
[Normally in English you use that order]

Shyashin o takusan torimashita.
I [or "we", it doesn't really matter] took a lot of photos.

Kyoo wa doyoobi deshita kedo, hito wa amari imasen deshita.
There were not many people about, even though today was Saturday.

Ookii kino shita de obentoo o tabemashita.
We ate our packed lunch underneath a big tree.

I've been to Kamakura, it's really nice. I think it may have been the capital under the Minamoto family? There is a big buddha which looks cool, and lots of trees.

Scrivener said:

Personally I would say "My house is in Kamakura, at the seaside" or something - it's not "the sea of Kamakura" like you say "the Sea of Japan" - it's not a proper name.

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Yeah, I didn't mean to confuse the issue. It was simply an illustration to the point of learning to recognize place names. Anyway, Kamakura no umi is widely used for something. I assume the bay, inlet or whatever directly adjacent to the city.

Yeah you could use "no umi" for any place known for it's seaside, and maybe even if not known for it I guess. Or in your name if you are a sumo wrestler... "kamakuranoumi! kamakuranoumi no kachi desu!"

Scrivener said:

Yeah you could use "no umi" for any place known for it's seaside, and maybe even if not known for it I guess. Or in your name if you are a sumo wrestler... "kamakuranoumi! kamakuranoumi no kachi desu!"

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It's too bad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that, because that was my chance to totally spew it all over my computer at work. Then again, maybe not such a good idea.

Scrivener said:

I'll just do a version "par acquit de conscience" though I've had 6 hours sleep which isn't much for me. I'm not saying your version is wrong - I haven't really read it carefully to tell ya the truth - so pick what you like.

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Six (sometimes seven if I'm really lucky) hours sleep is fine for me, a shower 'n' a Coke 'n' I'm fresh as a daisy.

Anywho, since this was my first real attempt at a reading/translating hiragana, I'd say mine is prob'ly close enough for government work, but everyone else's suggestions are handy for seeing how much farther I've gotta go before I'm anywhere near proficient with them.

And I won't even go into kanji right now... I can recognize all of two by sight now: 'dream' and 'to look/to see'. XD

Elizabeth said:

Yeah, I didn't mean to confuse the issue. It was simply an illustration to the point of learning to recognize place names.

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No apologies needed. You've at least taught me how to recognize when a noun is being used as a place name. That's something I'm glad of!

Thanks again everyone for your feedback.

I've been to Kamakura, it's really nice. I think it may have been the capital under the Minamoto family? There is a big buddha which looks cool, and lots of trees.

Click to expand...

It is very nice. Lots of trees too in the lovely bamboo grove at Hokokuji Temple and up the mountain along the walking trail to Zeni-Arai Benten Shrine in Kita Kamakura and on to Enkakuji. I'll definately to have to make time for a bentou lunch on the sea some time as well, if not next month....

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