Language School Application - check please

Hello everyone,
I'm applying to a language school in Japan and I have to write a "purpose of study" (short). While my Japanese is pretty limited, I've tried hard to write a piece. Would anyone please help me check my writing? (I'm self-taught at the moment so I don't have a teacher ( Please check grammar, word use, meaning.
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学院で素晴しくて,熱心な先生のおしえるのだから, ニ年のあとで日本語の熟練が上手になれると思っています.それに,日本で住でいるのと勉強するのと働くのは私に経験と教訓を持ってくれると信じています.
日本語を習得するのはやさしくないです。これには多くの忍耐を必要とします。でも, 私は生懸命頑張ります！
日本語の学校を卒業したあとで,専門学校に入学して,通商を勉強したいです.
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If it's not too much, please help me translate this sentence also: "I believe that studying Japanese will open the door to more opportunities for me, both personally and professionally."
Thank you in advance.

For what purpose is this? If it's to judge your level, then it would be best if it reflects your current level (you want an accurate placement). It's a language school, after all - if you could write perfect Japanese you wouldn't need them.

General hints:
1) Use a dictionary which is for English to Japanese (most free online dictionaries are EDICT-based and it's really for Japanese to English). This will aid you in word choice.
2) Check the example sentences in the dictionary, not just the English meaning. Pay attention to what particles are used with which verbs. (It's not で住んでいる, for example)
3) Don't write in English then try to translate over. Use the sentence patterns/grammar you're confident to use in Japanese, even if that means simplifying what you can say, or breaking complicated sentences into two or more separate sentences, etc.

I agree. We would be happy to help you with your Japanese learning, but what you send to the language school should be 100% from you, without outside help, as they will need it to assess your abilities. It isn't as though there is a danger of them rejecting you if it isn't good enough. What would you do if you sent them something that others "fixed" for you and then got placed into a class which is too far above your level for you to keep up? That wouldn't be a good situation to be in.

nekojita said:

For what purpose is this? If it's to judge your level, then it would be best if it reflects your current level (you want an accurate placement). It's a language school, after all - if you could write perfect Japanese you wouldn't need them.

Click to expand...

Mike Cash said:

I agree. We would be happy to help you with your Japanese learning, but what you send to the language school should be 100% from you, without outside help, as they will need it to assess your abilities.

Click to expand...

Thank you for your replies. I think I should have explained myself better. This "purpose of study" is just a part of my application and it won't be used to assess my ability. There will be a proper written test and an interview conducted by the school for assessment. As for my request to get "fixed", I just want to...uhm... fully deliver the message in an understandable and polite way. I honestly meant no cheating but just felt frustrated because I couldn't express my ideas clearly with my limited Japanese.
And thanks for the advice about not translating over, I guessed I took the wrong approach. But still, could anyone help me with that final sentence? I can tolerate my elementary writing through out the whole thing but at least let the ending be strong (?) (sorry, I'm not English native speaker either)

This mystifies me a little, as I can't see the point in forcing you to write it in that case. What did the school tell you about this bit of text? If it's not to assess your level, is it for student visa purposes? If it is for the visa, it's possible the school can guide you as to what should be in it (there probably is a basic formula to getting past immigration), and may also assist with providing an official translation.

loose (and not necessarily correct) attempt at translating your last sentence for the heck of it:
日本語を勉強することは、人生の可能性を広げると思います。

The school told me to fill in this application form and there's one part asking my purpose of studying Japanese, no further instruction. I simply thought it's a common question in applications. It's never occurred to me that this could be used for student visa purposes. Perhaps I've got to check with them again.
Thanks for ur translation. I'll work it up from there.
Cheers!

Yes, you should check. If it's just the first stage application going to the school then it's probably not for the visa (although there might be a similar question for the visa, the phrasing "purpose of study" rings a bell).

There are a couple of possibilities that spring to mind - it may be that they just want to know whether you have a concrete aim (e.g. college exams) or just a more general "experience living in Japan and learn some Japanese" plan.

Yeah, thanks for the advice. I'll do just that, wouldn't want to get into trouble with immigration in any case...