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Why are people appalled when someone says they think Japanese are attractive?

nahadef

Quietly exploding
27 Nov 2012
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I was puzzling over this question when I read this thread: What do Japanese Girls like?

This is the umpteenth thread on the topic here, and it's something that has come up time and again in my years here. Someone says they like Japanese (usually a white guy liking the women) and a bunch of guys (often white Westerners married to Japanese women) lecture them on how terrible it is to think that way. I myself have joined in the chorus more than once, though possibly because I internalised the lectures I received in the past.

At the same time, I've heard people in Canada (where I grew up) say they think French men are sexy or Italian women are sexy or whatever, and nobody would call them out on it whatsoever. What is it about saying you like Japanese or Asian women that raise the hackles of the (pretty much white) dudes in Japan?

I didn't come to Japan for women at all (though I forget why I'm here as time passes), but, honestly, I like Asian women. I've ended up mainly dating Asian women after I was 23 or so. It wasn't a conscious thing, it's just what happened. It shouldn't be considered any more racist than it is sexist that I like women and not men. It's what I like. I'm not opposed to other women, they just don't catch my attention as much. When you date someone, they are people, not a racial fantasy. You can't maintain a fantasy of someone for any length of time when they become part of your lives.

Even if a person says, "Japanese women are OOO," common sense should let people know that you aren't treating them as a monolithic entity. If a person says they find Latina women sexy, it doesn't mean they will want to get with a fat 70 year old Mexican grandmother since they are 'Latina'. So why can't people use that sort of common sense when someone says they find Japanese women attractive? Why do they need to be told over and over that they are being bad people (in not-so-many words).

I've been puzzling over questions of race recently, and this topic seems worth looking into. As a man married to a Japanese woman, I feel like there is a ****-shamingquality to critiquing someone for saying they like Japanese women. Some of these guys have some misconceptions about the women, but many are simply attracted to something, and it seems pretty messed up that they need to be consistently scolded for admitting their tastes.
 
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I agree that it is something that annoys me at times ... Particularly when the person looks down on my wife (for being some kind of Western spouse catcher)!! Or gives me the wink wink, nudge nudge response (i.e. Asian wife = subservient sex kitten etc).

I too, have found myself attracted to Japanese / Oriental women since I first sat next to a Chinese girl at school. I also like busty blondes and Latino women .... But Japanese women certainly hit the spot for me. I'm happy to admit that and also don't mind saying that they also share many characteristics of personality and manner which I find attractive.

Of course you can never generalise completely, but there are differences between people from different countries and ethnic backgrounds that make them more desirable to you .... It's human nature .... And this diversity is one of the things us humans, we should celebrate.
 
I took a peek at the thread. The OP seems innocent enough and didn't say anything offensive. It's a long way from "hey, I want to bed me some J-girls".

I think when people say I like this group or I dislike that group, it is understood that these are exceptions with generalizations. Not sure why everyone jumped all over him, either.
 
I think when people say I like this group or I dislike that group, it is understood that these are exceptions with generalizations. Not sure why everyone jumped all over him, either.

It's not just there though. It happens again and again on Japan themed sites. I wonder if you go to a site for expats in Spain, do the members there jump on anyone who says they like Spanish women?
 
I suppose there is less of that alien, exotic pull and therefore less motivation for everyone to run to the defense of Spanish ladies. As in hey, they're more than just an exotic face, or something along those lines. But I really don't know. Just thinking out loud.

Asian women also seem to be popular around the world in a way that, say, Bantu women are not (necessarily).
 
I'm not appalled by it.

In my personal life here in Japan perhaps the most annoying type of person is the type who are blatant in wanting to talk to me or have me show up somewhere for the sole reason I'm a gaijin. It's objectification. I'm expected to fulfill some stereotyped role and I don't care for it.

Those of us who are married here with children have probably all had times when it was all we could do to remain polite in the face of the "Haafu ga kawaii!" comments. Again, it is depersonalized objectification. Sure, we think our kids are cute, but because OUR own particular kids are cute, not in a broad "Labrador retrievers are cute" kind of way where they ALL get lumped together.

From what I've heard about Asian-American women in the US, they cringe at the "I love Asian women!" guys. Not because of a disinterest in a guy from another race, but for the same reason mentioned above....objectification and the expectation to be a stereotype.

My point is (and was in the other thread as well) that it is counterproductive to let that "I dig Asian chicks, Japanese chicks most of all!" right out into the open as it has a tendency to throw cold water on things. No Asian women are going to see it and say, "At last! I've found a white guy who wants an Asian woman! I'd better snag him right away before somebody else gets him!" Quite the contrary.

If you're talking to a woman, she's already figured out you're interested/attracted. The worst thing you can do is in any form or fashion come out with what boils down to "I'm crazy about Asian chicks. Let me seal the deal by trotting out a bunch of stereotypes to show you how in tune with your culture I am".

http://youtu.be/DWynJkN5HbQ

Skip to #1 (about 5:20) if you like on the next one

http://youtu.be/rw7Yp2kJwzM
 
Although probably getting mad at the OP at the other thread is definitely a bit too much, its probably due to the fact that the way he phrases his question it seems like he can get an answer on how he can become more popular with girls, in this case Japanese girls. Whats more is that even though alot of people say the think a specific portion of girls from country X tend to be rather more attractive to them, it doesent necessarily mean that they are in any intentions of being in a relationship with them. For example from the portion of korean women I knew, a good handful of them I found were really attractive, I dont know if its because I like korean women more than girls from other countries, but it just happened because I knew some really attractive korean girls with good personalities, however I never really had a desire to start a relationship with any of them I just thought they were attractive( Its kind of like seeing a really pretty girl on the street and staring at her, usually your not thinking in your head that "oh damn I wanna be this girls boyfriend", rather maybe more sexual things). Its one thing to say Japanese women are sexy, and a completely different thing to ask what they like. In fact there's nothing wrong with either of these things, but the latter asks one to generalize based on the Japanese women we already know, and the impression we have of them and recall what hobbies they like, and say that Japanese women like "skiing, travelling etc etc" or anything of this sort. When this is just our recollection of the impression we have of Japanese women, when in reality it could be extremely different for specific individuals. To be honest there's nothing wrong with the question at all, there are definitely a large portion of women that share a common hobby, but I can see both sides to why one might get mad at this guy, and why its totally fine asking this question.
 
To be honest theres nothing wrong with the question at all, there are definitely a large portion of women that share a common hobby, but I can see both sides to why one might get mad at this guy, and why its totally fine asking this question.

Again, I want to emphasise, it's not about this one guy. This is an attitude I see appear over and over again. I don't think there is any way a person could have a thread on the topic and not pull out people who want to lecture.
 
Again, I want to emphasise, it's not about this one guy. This is an attitude I see appear over and over again. I don't think there is any way a person could have a thread on the topic and not pull out people who want to lecture.

To be honest I doubt this is limited to Japanese girls. It is also probably because people take a more feminist approach nowadays and like to take these to extreme measures. Also did Canadian girls really say they like french girls and stuff? Honestly in my school many girls are into asian guys.. and when i was in Toronto alot of girls I know were the same, funny huh.
 
Good question. I am usually annoyed by those who are annoyed.

I think some certain assumptions come into play in people's minds that are not necessarily true with the statement "I like Japanese girls".

One is the belief that he is backhandedly stating that Asian girls of other nationality are inferior. May or may not be true, but I assume not. In other words I give the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes we find the speaker actually meant Asian girls rather than just Japanese. But Chinese and Koreans can easily take offense if they choose to see it a certain way. Others can be offended FOR them.

Also, it may be obvious the speaker knows nothing about Japan or Japanese girls but has gotten this obsession for hearing Japanese girls are a certain way. Annoying even a bit to me. So many of the people who started the rumors about Japanese girls also don't know what they are talking about. A subsection to that is that some of these guys are just looking for girls to abuse, and I don't mean in a consensual way. I mean hump them and dump them and not even bother to figure out which girls and cool with that and which will be heart broken.

Another thing is that the people who get annoyed are usually White or Black native English speakers. Certainly the majority posting on English sites yes? Well, they take the statement as an insult to Whites and Blacks. Its different if you say you like Spanish girls. They may be darker skinned or whatever, but they are usually White.

We may also be dealing with denial and sour grapes you know. When people get really extreme in lashing out, we cannot overlook those. Some of these people may like Japanese girls too, but be in denial about because 1) they feel they have no opportunities to meet them 2) they are already married to a girl who is not Japanese or Asian 3) are against racial mixing despite their own loins being hot for Asian girls 4) have been cowed into denial by other people making accusations (such as racism or not being "man" enough for any but a "submissive" girl) against them for liking Japanese girls and 5) heard someone else get abused for it and don't want to be put in that situation. We expect all those types to get even more pissy about this than others, perhaps hoping to dissuade the person from his fantasy (misery loves company).

Some people may even imagine they are getting rid of possible competition.

Sort of touched on already, but some my just find it racist to have a special thing for a certain race or nationality. I find it annoying that people go there. A preference for one thing is NOT hate of another. Preferences are NOT racism. Hate is racism. NOT attraction. For some, its too fine a line for their poor brains to grasp. Yet, if I said I like Nancy, who would take it as "I hate YOU!"?

I love the look of Asian girls and as far as dating and getting dates, I seem to get along with Japanese girls the best. But I also love the look of Black girls and lament that I have no chance to meet very many of them. Generally I am not attracted to White girls. Those I do like are WAY out of my league. But an average Asian girl or Black girl can turn my head. No hate here.

Basically, denial aside, the problem lies in assumptions, and there are many possibilities to make some very negative assumptions. And I find that most conversations snowball into assumptions and certain topics can be avalanches. Typical human stupidity really.
 
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Again, I want to emphasise, it's not about this one guy. This is an attitude I see appear over and over again. I don't think there is any way a person could have a thread on the topic and not pull out people who want to lecture.

I think both the asking and the lecturing are totally natural. The OP in this case -- I know, I know, it's not about this one guy -- is probably very young. It's the same deal when someone would come on Japan Today and say "I'm into anime and I plan to go to Japan" or "I want to get a tattoo."

Naturally there's going to be a lot of eye-rolling and groaning from the well-entrenched peanut gallery, but there are two good things here: (1) The asker is not going to get anywhere by not asking. As clumsy as it appears, it kicks off the process. I remember expressing a specific concern about computer security once. Another, more experienced member told me that this in fact, was nothing to worry about. A third member chimed in and said, "You shouldn't post about things (on) which you know nothing (smiley face)." Fully ten years later, I'm still kind of annoyed. How else would I have learned if I hadn't brought up my concern?

(2) Better to ask online and receive a mild dressing down than to stampede toward the nearest Japanese girl and try his luck. He'd probably be fairly quietly rebuffed, in which case he wouldn't be any wiser about next time. Now he can curse the online community, have a beer and a bitter wank, and he will very possibly avoid the false step Mike Cash was talking about- "I'm crazy about Asian chicks. Let me seal the deal..."

I guess what I'm trying to say, def, is that all is right with the world. ;-)

Now that I think about it, we could all be very cruel and encourage the next guy to put chopsticks up his nostrils or to get a tattoo, lol.
 
Attraction by genetics or enviroment ?

I often wonder if the type of person we are attracted to can be caused by genetics , we go after someone different than ourselves as a survival of the fittest type thing. Or , is it the environment we were raised in? Asian , white , afro American , indian , thin , fat , tall , short , why do we seek out a certain type at all. Some seem to find a mate by personality or common interest, with looks and heritage having nothing to do with their choice. My generation , after WWII were taught to basically hate the Japanese. Movies and war stories by those who fought the Japanese were all around me growing up. When it came time in the Navy to choose a duty station I chose Japan even though my environment should have told me it would be the last place I would want to be. To this day , Asian women catch my eye still. I can't explain why , it just is that way.

Uncle Frank

:?
 
I get annoyed at people who say things like, "I want a Japanese girlfriend" or some such thing because they seem to be treating the girl as if she is just some object to be had. The thing is, she is a person first and foremost. When you start start talking about her as if she is some sort of consumer product, I get offended.

Now I will admit that my ex-wife is Japanese. My girlfriend now just so happens to be from West Africa. But both of them are people before they are anything else.

It's true that the cultures they were born and raised in were very different and that affects the personalities they both developed in life, but that's true of everyone.

To me, you have to look at people as individuals. Sure you can have different preferences, but when you define a someone by their attributes rather than their personhood, you are crossing a line I am not comfortable with.
 
I get annoyed at people who say things like, "I want a Japanese girlfriend" or some such thing because they seem to be treating the girl as if she is just some object to be had. The thing is, she is a person first and foremost. When you start start talking about her as if she is some sort of consumer product, I get offended.
Sorry but how is saying "I want a Japanese girlfriend" treating a girl as if she as an object? It seems like a perfectly fine statement to me. Mabye the person saying it really does want one, just from saying something like that we cant really assume anything about the person saying it, whether he treats girls like objects or not. Mabye he/she just genuinely is interested in girls from Japan, more than other countries. This does not even suggest a specific dislike to women from other countries, like mabye the person saying such a thing thinks that some girls from America are pretty based on what what he/she has seen, but he/she has found a larger majority of Japanese women to be more attractive. Do you see where I am coming from?
 
Sorry but how is saying "I want a Japanese girlfriend" treating a girl as if she as an object?

In fairness to Mikawa Ossan he did say "seem to be", rather than saying it was a definite thing.

Even so, he did say he gets annoyed, and that would be because he is presuming for the worse. Presuming for the worse is in itself annoying.

To me, you have to look at people as individuals. Sure you can have different preferences, but when you define a someone by their attributes rather than their personhood, you are crossing a line I am not comfortable with.

And this is another massive assumption by Mikawa Ossan, and it goes against many basic realities. Precious few men who said they wanted a Japanese girl dropped at the feet of the first one they saw. Many men who said they wanted a Japanese girl wound up with a completely different girl and never looked back. Just because someone is focused on a specific race or nationality does not mean they are ignoring individuality. Its an almost impossible task unless one's singular goal is a short sexual conquest. And if we chastise anyone for anything, it should not even be for that. What we chastise others for is if they do that with no regard for other people's characters and feelings. Some women are down for being a sexual conquest. Some are not. But I already said that earlier.

If a man is looking for a girlfriend or wife of a specific race or nationality, individuality will have to be taken into account to some degree. How much? Does it matter? Take a look at so-called mail order brides for example. There is some comparison shopping going on both ways beyond questions of race and nationality. And while the result is often not going to be called the "perfect match" by some love guru, these two people get together and learn about each other can come to compromises and understandings. I think that is a wonderful thing. Marriage and relationships always require work. There is no "perfect match" anyway that can be accurately predicted. Its always 20/20 hindsight.

As far as that worn out "objectification of women" thing, I am really sick of it. For starters, if a woman says she wants a man with money or even a steady job, will she be accused of objectifying men? I don't see a lot of women hooking up with bums, though surely lots of them have hearts of gold. And I have heard of women passing up men because they don't like their face or how they smell. So lets not pretend like it does not cut both ways.

Next thing is, if men and women are not objects, are they ghosts? Of course not! We are all objects with spirits inside! It is not a bad thing to think of men and women as objects! The only problem is if that is all you can do. If you cannot, at the same time, recognize a person's humanity and treat them with the care and respect that entails, THAT is when you have a problem. That said, I recognize that many men do have that problem, but I think its wrong to try and make them feel guilty about objectifying women. As men, we pretty much have to, cause if we don't, we deny a huge part of our earthly desires and our happiness. But no man has the right to sabotage the happiness of women by being only about objectification. If I were to support that, then to be consistent, I would have to support women being teases and prudes, and believe me, I do not. Either we help each other and work with each other or life is hell for us all.
 
Who gives a f...really...if you got a fetish for j women...As long as they keep that obsession to themselves and don't go all Gary glitter u should be good
 
If a guy says he only dates Asian women, it means that the only prerequisite for him being interested in me is that I'm Asian. Personality doesn't matter, I could have the same personality and be English instead and then he wouldn't be interested. It's the lack of genuine interest, depth, and generalizing that bother me. I want someone to be interested in who I am, not my race or appearance.

I don't understand those who say things like "I want a Japanese girlfriend" because why Japanese specifically? It has nothing to do with chemistry, it's simply objectifying. Reducing an individual to someone who is just Japanese and an embodiment of a stereotype. It's refusing to understand people at an individual level.

Of course, if a guy says that he finds Asian women attractive, that's a different story. Because if I wasn't Asian he might take an interest in me because of my personality and how we connect, but the point is he didn't state that he's focusing on Asian women solely. There is no implication that race is the only matter of importance to him. People don't get bothered with women saying they find French men attractive because they're not implying they're only chasing after French men. There isn't really a culture of people turning French men into a fetish like there is a culture of "Yellow fever", at least here in Canada. People get irritable when it comes to Asian women because there is a strong culture that fetishizes them and it's simply not acceptable, they are all individuals and no two are the same.
 
If a guy says he only dates Asian women, it means that the only prerequisite for him being interested in me is that I'm Asian.

No, that's flawed logic. It only means that his first prerequisite is that his date is Asian.
What you said is equivalent to "I will date any Asian girl, but only Asian girls."
 
No, that's flawed logic. It only means that his first prerequisite is that his date is Asian.
What you said is equivalent to "I will date any Asian girl, but only Asian girls."

True, I could have worded that better. How is a guy that requires his date to be Asian any better, though? To me, that still puts an emphasis on being Asian and still generalizes those who are not Asian.
 
How is it better? I don't know, but if it's something you frown upon, you could turn around and say, "I won't date guys who only date Asian women." :) I probably wrote something similar above -- old thread -- but I started out dating white girls, then a half-Korean, and since then only Asians. Married to one, too.

I don't know if I was saving myself for an Asian wife or excluding white girls, but once I dated (and almost married) the half-Korean, I had a feeling I would end up with an Asian woman companion for life. If I could be so lucky that is. :) And I was/am.
 
How is it better? I don't know, but if it's something you frown upon, you could turn around and say, "I won't date guys who only date Asian women." :) I probably wrote something similar above -- old thread -- but I started out dating white girls, then a half-Korean, and since then only Asians. Married to one, too.

Of course I won't date guys who only date Asian women because then I am judging on their character, not their race. Guys who only date Asian women judge on race, to what degree I don't know, but that is not the kind of relationship I and many others are interested in.
 
Yes, I am.

Thank you. That removes any possible ambiguity from your statement.

I quite agree with you. I limit my interactions in Japan to those people and situations where my being of foreign origins are a non-issue and actively shun those where my foreign origins are their only interest in me.
 
I quite agree with you. I limit my interactions in Japan to those people and situations where my being of foreign origins are a non-issue and actively shun those where my foreign origins are their only interest in me.

Indeed. The OP asks why people are appalled but there's been a few times I've only been approached because I'm Japanese, along with the positive stereotypes of being Japanese. But stereotypes, positive or negative, prevent understanding of the individual and they've expected me to live up to them. I think it's fair to be careful of who I interact with and I'm sure you may have had similar experiences yourself being a foreigner.
 
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