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U.S. Soldiers, Japanese Women, and Domestic Violence

FiveChan

後輩
20 Nov 2006
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I joined this site a couple of weeks ago because I had a boyfriend who is half-Japanese. We have since ended our relationship, and here's why:

About 3 years ago, he met a young Japanese college student here in America. He claimed it was only a sexual relationship and he wasn't in love at all. She became pregnant after several months. To keep his child in America, he married her when she was 8 months pregnant. When we met he was separated from his Japanese wife.

He was adamant about his marriage being a greencard one, or matter of convenience to a keep his daughter close to him. He was going to divorce her as soon as her greencard came through anyway, and that it was never a real marriage. When we met, she was in Japan with their daughter visiting her family, and threatening not to come back. She ends up coming back here to America anyway, and all hell breaks loose.

I found out that he abuses her. Beats her. Talks to her like she's worth nothing. I've seen email exchanges and I've heard phone conversations. He threatens her all the time, but she doesn't seem to care as long as he stays married to her. As long as he physically stays in the marriage. My ex-boyfriend is wealthy and she doesn't want to be a single mother.........She wants the financial lifestyle he can provide.

This is why we broke up. He's never treated me this way, but that doesn't mean he won't in the future (and I just don't tolerate domestic abuse of any kind, period). Everytime he tried to begin the process of separation and filing for divorce, she would threaten to go back to Japan and take their daughter with her. Right now, she has what is called a Conditional Visa/Greencard, which is not permanent residency in the U.S. She has to stay married to my ex-boyfriend for three years before she can recieve her Unconditional Visa/Permanent U.S. residency.

She can file for divorce herself and claim asylum to get permanent residency faster, but she's not trying to divorce him. If he files for divorce, she runs the risk of being deported since it's before the 3 year mark. They've been legally married for just over two years.

His wife is paying a price to be with him, that I can't ever pay for anybody. He can literally do whatever he wants and treat her however he wants, just as long as he physically stays married to her. She doesn't care if he sleeps with other women, or beats her into a bloody pile. But she will desperately fight for his presence in her life. Example: Telling him that she loves him forever, right after he tried to strangle her.

My ex-boyfriend is the product of a U.S. soldier stationed in Japan, and a Japanese mother. His father got his mother pregnant and they ended up getting married under the same circumstances. When his father brought his mother here she spoke absolutely no English (like my ex's wife). I wonder if the anger and violence I heard and read about in the emails is how his father treated his mother.

His family knows about the domestic violence, but they seem to want him to stay with his wife. Like it's normal. He has a sister who's been in an abusive relationship for years. She has three kids by a loser who still won't marry her.

I already told my ex-boyfriend that his daughter will be visiting him in jail, if he tried any of that mess with me. So he might as well stay married to his wife if he thinks he can do whatever he wants. Eventually, she's going to get tired of getting beat up, and even worse......His daughter is going to grow up and find a mate just like her father...............

How prevalent is domestic violence with U.S. Soldiers and Japanese women? Especially within marriage? I researched the philosophy behind "Gamen", so I realize what some Japanese women will do to stay married. No different than other cultures when it comes to women, but I don't think Domestic violence is addressed in Japanese society like it is in America. This young Japanese woman seems to love my ex-boyfriend more than she loves their daughter, much less herself.

My ex-boyfriend kept telling me how sexist Japanese men are (he was born in Tokyo but raised here in America. Visits Japan yearly to see his family on his mother's side), but I'm not buying it. Nor am I going to put up with it. Plus, his father is American, and I think much of his attitude has to do with an American male controlling a seemingly passive Japanese woman. The typical stereotype that as a woman, I don't want to believe.

So is this situation typical?
 
I don't think it has anything to do with Japanese american or the like. This just sounds like typical domestic violence that you can find in any country. Nor do I think military causes a person to become violent with a spouse. Some people just have bad experiences with family that can cause them to immitate what they see growing up. Many stories you hear about how the guy was great and so forth until the relationship got serious or something triggered the violent nature then it's all down hill. Kudos to you for seeing the warning signs before most women do.
 
Wow, that is a verry messed up situation. I think both of them should get a lawyer and try to settle ASAP before it gets even worse. That said, I know you are not in the position to give them any advice or be involved in anyway, FiveChan.
FiveChan said:
Everytime he tried to begin the process of separation and filing for divorce, she would threaten to go back to Japan and take their daughter with her. Right now, she has what is called a Conditional Visa/Greencard, which is not permanent residency in the U.S. She has to stay married to my ex-boyfriend for three years before she can recieve her Unconditional Visa/Permanent U.S. residency.
I don't understand this part; why does she need a Green Card(does give you official immigration status (Lawful Permanent Residency) in the United States, btw) if she wants to go back to Japan?
 
Firstly, big, big thumbs up to you for saying no to domestic violence and just cutting the relationship off.

Its hard to tell what the wife's motives for staying with him despite the violence (from here on shortened to DV), nor what his motives are for doing it. As per usual, I doubt that its something unique to American soldiers married to Japanese women, America, Japan, Americans or Japanese. There are plenty of statistics about DV in America and Japan, and while I can't talk about America or Americans I can a little about Japan.

Like allot of places DV is an unspoken issue in Japan. Domestic Violence, as the name suggests, is violence within a family that is outside of the public eye. Allot of the time the victim is practically in a situation where they are blackmailed into staying silent as they are reliant on the other for financial support or otherwise. I've witnessed violent outbursts first hand, and heard stories from people who have experienced DV, running the whole gamut of the scale from cringe worthy to gut wrenching, acts that carry penalties that include lengthy gaol sentences but in all practically never receive anything near that when actually tested in courts both in Japan and abroad. (For example marital rape is still rape, but because of the martial status of the couple it generally does not carry heavy convictions in the courts).

I've always been surprised at the length that the Japanese idea of "gamen" will go to, but the same thing exists in the west and just simply isn't labelled the same way. I guess "suffer" would be close in some cases.

Obviously the wife needs to do something before it gets out of control. Anonymous telephone helplines are the best course, get some professional opinions and assistance.
 
What the other guys said, sucky situation, grats on getting out once you saw how it was (why would you date a married guy anyway, no matter what the state of the marriage is, its asking for trouble) but by no means a unique situation for Japan or American soldiers.

DV is a global issue that effects every country, because there seems to be a very flawed behavioural aspect to some men and women that makes men harm the one closest to them.

These people are ill, and probably need help, but otherwise its not specific to one nation or lifestyle such as military folk.
 
I suppose the sexist granpa asks his wife for his monthly allowance.
窶吮?ケツ食窶堙債 ツ催遺?堋ェニ短ニ椎槌置窶堙? 窶ー'ニ短ニ停?ケニ稚
At lunch,
My wife eats like a celeblity,
Mine at a self-service...
Salaryman Senryu
 
This guy's behavior has nothing to do with being Japanese or half or having parents in the military or what have you. Japanese society is indeed patriarchal, in that most male female relationships are slanted in favor of the man. However incidents of this kind of abuse are no more common in Japan than they are in the US. This person clearly has a problem and may be getting some twisted enjoyment from a wife who seems equally twisted. Just be happy you are out of there.
 
Typical vicious circle:

- Man beats wife. Boy grows up in environment. Grows up, beats wife.
- Man beats wife. Girl grows up in environment. Grows up, finds a wife-beating husband.

It's not true in every case, but there's definitely a pattern that's been seen for as long as human beings have been around.

My guess is that his wife didn't grow up without some domestic violence, either.
 
I don't think it has anything to do with Japanese american or the like. This just sounds like typical domestic violence that you can find in any country.
Well how comes I have never heard of such stories outside forums about Japan or the USA ? Not something we hear happening in my country... (well except for some Moroccan immigrants forcing their daughters to marry some other Moroccan guys against their will, but that's different and is not related to my country itself)
 
Doesn't mean it's not there. Ignorance is bliss my friend. Who's to say that it is happening and people know about it but refuse to acknowledge it. You are one out of many. Hence the reason I is in bold. I also have never heard stories in my area about domestic violence but wouldn't believe that it is not here.
 
Well how comes I have never heard of such stories outside forums about Japan or the USA ? Not something we hear happening in my country... (well except for some Moroccan immigrants forcing their daughters to marry some other Moroccan guys against their will, but that's different and is not related to my country itself)

Man beats wife is barely news material, nor is it something that makes it through the gossip channels normally. I know its an issue in the UK, Australia, New Zealand as well as the USA and Japan.
 
Well how comes I have never heard of such stories outside forums about Japan or the USA ? Not something we hear happening in my country... (well except for some Moroccan immigrants forcing their daughters to marry some other Moroccan guys against their will, but that's different and is not related to my country itself)

Er........you're kidding, right?

Amnesty International

Belgium - breaking the cycle of violence

Despite a number of legislative initiatives undertaken since 1997 to address violence against women in Belgium, it appears that the majority of women's formal complaints of domestic violence do not result in prosecutions. As yet the police can provide no precise statistics on formal complaints, having only recently begun recording domestic violence separately from other assaults. However, a 1998 study found that more than 50 per cent of women had experienced violence within the family, nearly 30 per cent of them at the hands of their partner.

People are same the world over, are they not?

In my job I am privy to many of my patients secrets and the amount of people who experience abuse from their partners is shocking.
 
I want to know, how it feels to become a Japanese-American Second Lieutenant stationed in Okinawa, Japan? How do the Japanese feel seeing their own kind in US Uniform in their own land? Is there a feeling of treason or animosity, or any type of tension that does not exist with US Soldiers and Officers who have no Japanese heritage whatsoever?

I also want to know how other Japanese people feel about Lt. Ehren Watada who was the first American officer to commit AWOL. That a first American Officer to commit AWOL was done by one who has Japanese descent, would be very disgraceful to Pre-WW2 Japanese, but how about modern ones?
 
Domestic vielance is nothing unique to Japan, though in western county its usually related to hitting ... which is of course unasseptable. In Japan these cases usually even more violent than what i have heard in west. I talked with Japanese woman who told was done some "bondage stuff".
 
I awnsered your query about Japanese-American soldiers in another thread.

Short awnser: They are American, suck it.

Also this thread isnt about Japanese-American soldiers, its about DV, dont derail.

Nothing left to see here move along, you dont have to leave the forum but you cant stay here (unlerss you got a DV related response :p ).
 
Typical vicious circle:
- Man beats wife. Boy grows up in environment. Grows up, beats wife.
- Man beats wife. Girl grows up in environment. Grows up, finds a wife-beating husband.
It's not true in every case, but there's definitely a pattern that's been seen for as long as human beings have been around.
Yes, it's often true - now why is that?

Surely when such a guy gets with such a girl, they both don't know that each other's families have domestic violence. Yet somehow, the kids of such families are attracted to each other, and then later on both get caught in a similar cycle.

This abusive relationship cycle is subconscious, but something makes such kids click together when they first meet, which is a mystery. Perhaps it is something to do with their personalities being commonly affected that draws them together? Any thoughts on the specifics?
 
Domestic vielance is nothing unique to Japan, though in western county its usually related to hitting ... which is of course unasseptable. In Japan these cases usually even more violent than what i have heard in west. I talked with Japanese woman who told was done some "bondage stuff".

Bondage... ooooh, kinky. I've heard a few nasty ones here including injuries that required surgery and others that caused damage to internal organs. That's some seriously messed up people.
 
Typically in the US the DV starts even before marriage; what suprises me is that the women MARRY a man who abuses her. They say that they thought they could "change" him...is that a typical Japanese scenario? Does the violence start after marriage, before, or is it just a kind of acceptable "secret"?
 
Domestic violence, it is a world wide problem. Some countries don't have laws against it and that pisses me off!!!:kaioken:

It is also a very complex issue. One issue that about DV is that most societies consider it a "family problem" or a "personal matter." I think that's the attitude in Japan.

Then you have to think about the victim's pyschological state, from what I've seen, the victims of DV feel they've somehow deserved it. The abuser is usually a control freak and I think one of the reasons why victims of DV stay in abusive relationships are because the abuser may threaten to commit suicide, so abusers can be very manipulative. I think it is important to understand that it's easy for people to stay, "why do they stay in these relationships? Why don't they just leave?" Well it's not that simple.
 
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every one out of ten people will like the same color. Every one out of ten people will have a problem with domestic abuse. Some people get lucky and never expierence that one. Others arent so lucky as thats all they expierence. I agree with Ma Cherie, some people are manipulated into thinking stuff. Its not their fault they stay with an abuser, somtimes they even think they can help them..


-nick-
 
I've read your replies....Thanks.

I basically told my ex-boyfriend about himself. He received a very honest assessment from me about his situation. Of course, very few people have called him out about his anger. I don't care who he is nor am I afraid of him.....He had to be told the obvious.

I connected his domestic abuse issues to his family and the cycle of violence. He told me that his wife (ex-wife...wife he's separated from......whatever).....Grew up around DV in Japan. And that she actually had past boyfriends, even as a young teen, who would beat her. He repeated that Japanese men can be extremely sexist and it's actually accepted in Japanese culture in general.

I told him that THAT doesn't explain his American father beating up on his Japanese mother, nor does it explain him, as a man raised in America, trying to strangle his wife. Overall, I told him that he is most definitely making DV his family tradition and heritage. He claimed that this is why he is divorcing his wife. I told him as far as changing his ways I don't have faith in him as my boyfriend, but I wish him well in trying to do so for himself. And that both he and his soon-to-be ex-wife should change their ways for the sake of their daughter.

Of course he accused me of throwing things back in his face and tried to start some **** with me, but that didn't work. He's extremely insecure with severe psychological and emotional issues, and I have a bad temper of my own that he always ends up backing away from. I can be a fiesty ***** when pushed to a certain limit. I guess this is why he didn't try any of that DV mess with me........I WILL have him locked up for a long time if he did, and his successful small company will fall to the way-side and eventually fail.

We ended there.

Someone asked a question about the difference between a conditional and unconditional greencard here in America for immigrants: Basically if an immigrant receives a visa through marrying an American citizen, it is deemed conditional until after three years. A Conditional Greencard Visa means that if the American spouse divorces before the three year, the immigrant ex-spouse can be deported or if he/she goes back to their native country, re-entry into the U.S. will be a problem. After three years of marriage the immigrant spouse can get an Unconditional Greencard Visa which is basically permanent residency and the final mile of the road to American citizenship. So overall an immigrant has to stay married to a U.S. citizen for three years instead of two. This was all passed through the U.S. Congress and signed by President Dubya Bushy-Boy under the Patriot Act, so it's still pretty recent.

Like I said before, my ex-boyfriend's wife can file for divorce herself and claim asylum to get permanent residency faster, but she's not trying to divorce him. He's got too much money and she stands to get a bigger check by being discliplined about getting her azz kicked through staying with him.

I realize that Domestic Violence (DV) is pretty much worldwide, in any country or culture. But there are sometimes specific cultural and social aspects that contribute to it, so I can't totally generalize DV internationally. Here are some specific differences:

In my case, I'm talking about a young female foreign student from Japan who comes to America to learn English. She meets my ex-boyfriend: a half-American and half-Japanese man who has money, and within six months of dating she becomes pregnant. This woman barely speaks any English and actually was about to be deported back to Japan because her family couldn't keep her financially sustained in the U.S., so she gets pregnant 3 months before she was suppose to go back. She admitted to my ex-boyfriend that she did, indeed, get pregnant on purpose.

As far as he's concerned...Well, unmarried (and some married) men in general don't think about pregnancy when they want sex and are getting it whenever they want with no strings attached. It's just not a possibility until it actually happens. So they were both stupid. He claimed that they were never in a serious relationship, it was just sexual until she got preggers and he actually had sex with her the first night he met her, and it just continued from there.

This happens a lot to immigrant women here in the U.S. I do realize that Japan isn't necessarily one of those countries that has intense problems with people trying to come to America illegally, like China or Nigeria or Mexico, for example. A good friend of mine who lived in Kagoshima, Japan for several years and now works with the U.S. State Department explained this to me. Despite this, I am well aware of the opportunities that living in America can provide for those coming from other countries. I've lived abroad and traveled to many continents and countries myself in addition to having many international friends. So I know lots of women from other countries who come here to the U.S. and get pregnant to stay here. Or will marry anybody.

Born and bred Americans who don't travel and don't know anything about the world outside of the States, don't know about this type of way to survive and become successful or at least be able to support family back in their native countries. DV over here in America is still better than daily life wherever they're from, so they think. Opportunity makes an azz-beating tolerable.

His wife's family back in Japan found out about the violence and initially wanted her to come home, but then encouraged her to stay. She's from the country and money is an issue. Plus, her job opportunities in Japan didn't look good at all since she hadn't started working even at the age of 23yrs old (she's 27yrs now). She had more opportunities living in America, ahead of her.

Immigrant women who come to the U.S. for a better life who choose this road to opportunity end up paying a heavy price. I mean, my friends were like, "Oh girl, that Japanese woman got him good. She knew what she was doing by getting pregnant. International gold-digging at it's best." They don't know about the DV because I didn't tell them, but basically it's a price that I can't ever afford. His wife is paying for a life here in America WITH her life and the future emotional health of their daughter.

She got pregnant by a man who has the money to pay for her college education and living expenses, and he HAS to marry her in order to keep his child in the country. And he has to stay married for a certain length of time. But he beats her azz and talks to her like she's worse than bird crap on his shoes. She could eventually leave, but doesn't want to because there's a certain lifestyle she's accustomed to now. Plus, she signed a prenupt but it doesn't include what money was made during the marriage (by law). So she stands to collect a lot of money even if he does actually divorce her, which is why the divorce is taking so long. She won't file at all because she doesn't want to leave the marraige, and he's got to get his money ready for the end of the three years when he can finally divorce her himself. For the lawyer, the paperwork, the ultimate pay-off to her, etc.........

Just a mess.

I asked about American soldiers because I've seen this alot with American men who travel abroad, and specifically with my former situation my ex-boyfriend's father was one. American men who want to be in control and find that control and almost limitless behavior through marrying immigrant women. Women who are more than willing to put up with all kinds of abuse to be here in America.

I asked about Japenese women specifically because I know in some countries, women have absolutely no rights and protections in terms of DV especially when they get married like in Nigeria, where i've been. Or even Russia, where I lived as a student long ago. I was trying to figure out culturally why there was such a heavy emphasis on Japan in terms of DV in my ex-boyfriend's family, because again.........He didn't go there with me. He didn't ever hit or threaten me physically and I wonder if it was because I'm American female, instead of a Japanese woman. And both his Japanese mother and his sister seem to accept the conditions of his marriage by ignoring the violence and encouraging him to stay married.
 
FiveChan, Japanese are not necessarily super lucky to win the green card.
I don't deny there are so many kinds of Japanese, but it sounds a bit strange you met a woman pregnant for money.
 
You sound mixed up pipo -

5chan meets boy, boy is married to Jgirl
Jgirl is pregnant, and wants to stay married for the lifestyle and visa
5chan left boy because he is married and abusive to his wife

Nothing to do with 5chan and money... far as I can read.
 
Ewok85, thanks.
But I could see the unusual situation without your kind explanation.

One thing I can not understand is if the original poster wants to save the woman or wants to know domestic violence in the states in general.
 
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