The Twelve Days of Christmas ...
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 15,1993
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves!!
I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 16, 1993
My dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity - three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist -- you've
been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 17, 1993
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they ARE beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.
Love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 1993
Dear Bob,
What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all
these lovely birds can really squawk and are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 19, 1993
Dear Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door, there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again.
Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through
the racket. Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 20, 1993
Bob:
What the hell's with you and these f**king birds? Seven swans-a-swimming?
What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 21, 1993
O.K., Pal! What in the screaming hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking?
Jesus! I think I prefer the goddamn birds. The goddamn maids-a-milking had to bring
their goddamn cows. There is cow sh*t all over my lawn and bird sh*t all over the house.
I can't even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
Violet
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 22, 1993
Listen, Sh*thead! You sadistic bastard! I now have nine pipers piping in my front yard
and they are standing knee deep in cow sh*t. This, after chasing those maids all night long, consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Up yours,
Vi
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 23, 1993
You rotten *****! Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those ***** ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the goddamn cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The Commissioner of Zoning and the
Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause as to why this building should not be condemned. I'm calling the police! I mean it, by god.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 24, 1993
Listen, F**KHEAD: Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be witness to eleven Lords-a-leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way.
The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my
witness, somehow, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your f**king face again as long as I live.
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 25, 1993
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen
fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habersham. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. With this letter please find attached, a
warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely,
Law Offices Goldstein, Silverberg, and O'Reily
Anthony Gionetti, Associate
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 15,1993
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves!!
I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 16, 1993
My dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity - three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist -- you've
been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 17, 1993
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they ARE beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.
Love,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 1993
Dear Bob,
What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all
these lovely birds can really squawk and are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 19, 1993
Dear Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door, there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again.
Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through
the racket. Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 20, 1993
Bob:
What the hell's with you and these f**king birds? Seven swans-a-swimming?
What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 21, 1993
O.K., Pal! What in the screaming hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking?
Jesus! I think I prefer the goddamn birds. The goddamn maids-a-milking had to bring
their goddamn cows. There is cow sh*t all over my lawn and bird sh*t all over the house.
I can't even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
Violet
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 22, 1993
Listen, Sh*thead! You sadistic bastard! I now have nine pipers piping in my front yard
and they are standing knee deep in cow sh*t. This, after chasing those maids all night long, consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Up yours,
Vi
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 23, 1993
You rotten *****! Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those ***** ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the goddamn cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The Commissioner of Zoning and the
Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause as to why this building should not be condemned. I'm calling the police! I mean it, by god.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 24, 1993
Listen, F**KHEAD: Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be witness to eleven Lords-a-leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way.
The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my
witness, somehow, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your f**king face again as long as I live.
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 25, 1993
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen
fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habersham. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. With this letter please find attached, a
warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely,
Law Offices Goldstein, Silverberg, and O'Reily
Anthony Gionetti, Associate
