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Trying to understand a girl's actions

Should i keep "dating" her?

  • Yes

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • No

    Votes: 2 66.7%

  • Total voters
    3

RDD

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This is a bit of a long post, please bear with me.

Tldr;
girl I met in Japan and I went out a lot, is very passionate, talkative, shows signs, but then tells me she has a boyfriend. Yet, she is still not hesitant to go out with me 1 on 1 all this time and doesn't plan on stopping.

Fuller story:
A while ago, while I was on a holiday trip to Japan, I met a lovely half-half Japanese/Asian girl through a friend of a friend of mine (let's call this friend^2, "F"). She was coming to exchange in Australia for a year and would like to meet some local university students before she arrives. Being the friendly neighbourhood spid... local, I promised to bring her around the city and show her places/festivals unique to our country/city.

Our first encounter was in Japan through "F" at a dinner. After we arrived in Australia, we went out (in order), to two different festivals (just the two of us), to two different events (with our mutual friends), to a dinner restaurant together then studied at her dorm (us two), another festival that's as early as 6 am in the morning then brunched then went shopping together (us two). Since she's not careful with her diet, I occasionally would cook proper meals for her, together in her dorm/baked her desserts despite I live out of campus. She also made me food twice. This is all within a month and a half after I first met her in Japan. Our relationship grew a lot closer since the first time we've met.

She is a down to earth girl and not materialistic, judging from the actions I've seen from our "dates". Once or twice I paid for her food but she normally pays for her own food. She laughs a lot when we talk, occasionally stand very close to me (which puts her head close to my chest), gave me "the looks" (i caught her watching me multiple times when I was distracted over i.e. the music performance in the stage). I feel very easy and comfortable around her, and I really like her. In fact, I had planned to ask her for the boyfriend-girlfriend-approval during the morning festival "date"... until it fell apart a week before the "date".

That night I messaged her the -wyd-, for which she replied to me that she was talking to her boyfriend since it's his birthday. She further solidifies the statement by saying she messed up the time zones and wished him hbd early, and that her boyfriend does the same university courses as "F". I have never heard anything about her bf previously. Many times I tried to slide in questions about who her boyfriend is and what he's like, however she avoided answering most of it, except for the information I gathered above, and the time when I asked if her bf has a good impression of me, where she says yes and that she tells her boyfriend about me every day. I proceeded to brush off the topic of her boyfriend and I kept this already well-established friendship the same as always.

On the day for the morning festival, brunch and shopping, the sleepy head her who usually wakes up at 12 pm woke up at 6 am. While deep down I'm hurting throughout the day, I acted like everything's fine - just the way like it had always been. We had a "great time", took photos, and had a lot to talk about. The usual clingyness remains. By the time we were done shopping, in the afternoon, I offered to drive her home. During the drive, we came across a museum, for which I told her it's popular yet I have never been to, so I can't recommend her to go visit. Without hesitation, she immediately suggested going there together [sometime near future]. Later, our conversations in the car led to us making bets, for which she suggests that if I lose I'd bring her out for the dinner place I brought her to before, vice versa (that's a smart excuse for a date btw).

Initially, I thought maybe it's time for me to give up on her. I thought I should stop seeing her (especially if it's one on one) this often, right after the morning "date" that was previously planned ahead. I'm heartbroken and it hurts me mentally every time I see her and the thought of her relationship status pops into my brain.

After she popped in the signs for more future "dates" in the car ride, I'm seriously lost. Is it really fine for me to be hanging out with a girl (as a pair) this often, despite she is taken?

Thank you for reading this far, it's long, but I am desperately seeking help from you guys. What are your thoughts? Do you think she sees me more than just a friend, or am I imagining? Am I a "will boyfriend" perhaps? Is that "boyfriend" of hers a decoy/test? Would Japanese girls initiate dates with guys even though they are taken - even though they are known (is biased) to ignore guys that they don't/ can't show interest?

I love her very much and I can't get her out of my mind. What are your suggestions about my next move?

Fyi I'm Asian (sorry about my ingrish) and we are both in our early 20's.

Looking forward to see some replies. Once again thank you for reading this far!
 

Buntaro

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RDD,

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish there was some way to make this less painful for you.

But you have to 'cut the chord' and move on. There is no other way.
 

Uncle Frank

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Sometimes things just aren't meant to happen. I lived in Japan for 2 years and fell in love with a Japanese girl. We dated 6 months and then rented a house and lived together for a whole year. We went to the local US embassy and got the paperwork for her to go to the US. The plan was for me to return home to the US and get us a place to live and a job for me. About a month after returning to the US , I called and told her everything was ready for her to come marry and live with me. Much to my surprise , the excuses came. She was afraid of needles and did not want to get any shots needed. She didn't want to leave her widowed mother. She did not speak good enough English . She did not want to take the long plane flight alone. I tried to answer every problem she had , but after 3 months of phoning and letter writing , I knew it was time to give up. It took a long time to get over the hurt , but in the end my life went on for the better. I ended up marrying a girl from England and we have been happily married for 43 years now. My advice , think of her like a sister/friend and be happy with that type of relationship or say goodbye altogether and move on. Time heals all hurt.
 

mdchachi

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For what it's worth I had a buddy who practically made a career out of dating "taken" women in Japan. So she might very well want more than just a friend. But I wouldn't expect it to last. She'll return to Japan and that will most likely be the end of it.
I also know a lot of guys who followed a girl to Japan. It usually didn't last but they moved on and typically the Japan experience worked out for them.
I guess I would suggest being honest. Tell her you're developing feelings for her but since she has a bf you think you should not hang out so much. Her response will tell you whatever you need to know.
 

Buntaro

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I once had a lady friend in Tokyo that I was quite fond of. But as soon as her parents got word of this, BOOM, that was the end of that. Such a thing may be unthinkable in America, but it is very much a fact in Japan and China. Korea too, I would imagine.

I used to teach in China. I had several students who wanted to marry someone, their parents said no, and that was the end of that, There was nothing my students could do. In addition, these were all cases of Chinese wanting to marry Chinese, so there was no "gaijin factor" involved. It is quite common for Chinese parents to be very strict about this.
 
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RDD

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Thank you everyone for the responses. I have taken note of each and everyone's suggestions. I have decided to keep this relationship as is - without stepping into the bf-gf relationship. I see how that type of relationship can be difficult and complicated to maintain, after the end of her exchange. I have already stopped initiating casual messages/small talks in an effort to get over with the feelings. Knowing I will not be her significant other, I have decided to treat her like a sister/friend. To not potentially make this relationship awkward, I might not tell her about my current feelings. Finding a person that has a matching frequency is not easy after all! As for the excessive hang out issue, I will try to space out more days in between meetings. Right now I might hurt a little, but for the long run, I think this is the best measure.

Uncle Frank, congratulations and I am happy to hear about your 43 years of marriage! Thanks for the advice and I agree, the sister/friend is a good balance for the kind of relationship I should have/have right now.
Mdchachi, she doesn't feel like that kind of person, so far she's been paying for her own spendings so I'd doubt that. However, I'll keep that in my mind for future references!
Buntaro, she's half-half Japanese/Asian herself, I'd assume her parents wouldn't mind if I'm from a foreign but Asian country. As for Chinese marriages, I do see the trend you mentioned about the Chinese-only mentality. One of my friends is also a victim of this traditional mindset. He is recently single and is having a hard time to overcome the feelings. Maybe I should grab a few drinks with him! haha
 

jt9258

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Those who have provided advice here do not even live in Japan, just because they have lived in Japan in
the past does not make their advice valid.

On the other hand I am happily married to a Japanese woman and have children in High School and JHS.

My advice, if you keep this girl as a friend that is all she will ever be, if you want her to be more it is possible, you
just need to make it happen, but you would need to understand and accept the culture that shaped her into the
person she is today.

The BF may not be real, Japanese girls use the BF as a way to protect themselves.
 

Glenski

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Some Japanese women want people just to pal around with. Other male friends are for romance, some are only for sex.

You've had plenty of dating contact with her to know where you stand among those 3 choices.
 

AkumaBenjamin

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HEY! DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE YOU CARE FOR GO! NEVER! I'm from America, but I'm no dummy about this. In fact I met someone who was filipino but lived in Japan. I grew very fond of her. And I ended up moving away a year later. It was the worst thing I had ever done! THE WORST! Ever since then I have been miserable, downcast, and plainly haunted by evil spirits who taunt me for my regret concerning her. I'm still looking for her, and its been roughly 20 years. I'll Never give up, but I've got things to do, so in searching I'll live my life.

On a note, She was talking to other men at the time. It hurt to know it. But you know what? In order to shine light upon YOUR situation, before I left, she said to me, "Please don't give up on us. If you want me to stop talking to the others if it means you'll stay with me, then I will. Just don't give up on us!" She begged, and I left anyway because I thought I had to atone for my sins and regain my honor in order to be worthy of her love. Stupid. Sounds unreal, but it's honestly the truth.

Develop a relationship with her...but you've done that. She likes you. But you NEED to let her know that you LOVE her. So tell her with those words. it takes you admitting how you feel about her. I told the girl whom I mentioned about this, I told her, "I'm not sure if it is the right time. Or if you'll accept me for saying this. But I need to tell you how I feel. I think, ... I"m in love with you. I am." It was a little differernt, but its close. And she returned it, but I was told that I was unworthy of her love and I left. I was foolish. No honor is worth leaving true love, otherwise that honor gets jeopardized and so does her heart. That's why I regret it.

So if you don't want to lose her. Don't lose her, but keep her. Make sure its the same for her about you.

Thanks.
 

RDD

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Sorry to the recent commenters for the lack of reply, test week is up and the assignments are due.

I have always had the thought of this "bf" purely an excuse. If she wanted to protect herself from guys, maybe i should try to be careful and respect it. I always seek mutual respect and honesty in a relationship, which means if this "bf" is not real and that I do walk into a relationship with her, I'm worried this relationship can't go on strong knowing that she lied to me. However, if this is a known act amongst Japanese girls, I could probably still get over it for she is influenced by the culture. On the contrary, if this so called bf is real, I do not want to step over the line and break up people's relationship; that's not my cup of tea.

As you can tell, just for this "bf" thing that she mentioned, there are too many things that's telling me "no, don't do it". There are just too many reasons to not date-date her.

Hope is not lost just yet. Don't worry, for those who are supporting this relationship, I didn't stop going out with her (in fact I've just gone out with her today). So far I've managed to not see her more than twice a week, and initiate small talks in messages. Now, because you guys are encouraging me to not give up (thank you!), I'm going to make some plans to get the truth out of this bf story(?). Hopefully this will give me the clear cut answer on whether I should really give up on her. Asking her to be my girlfriend just yet might be too risky and destroy this great relationship. So, I think my current move is to get close enough with her, possibly enough to catch a chance to ask about this bf's true existence. I might ask along the lines of how her bf is doing lately, or what he looks like when mentioning about her friends and family in Japan. If you guys have any suggestions on some real smooth ways to reveal this bf's existence, please do let me know! Thanks in advanced!

I'll be checking this page more often from now on, for my university workload should slowly decrease.

Thank you everyone for leaving comments! It sure is great to know I'm surrounded with people that cares!
 

RDD

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Update: confirmed she has a boyfriend. I'll be happy just being her friend. Thank you for everyone's support!
 

RDD

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She showed me a picture of him, and told me the whole process on how she met him. He'll be visiting my home city in a few weeks, so I'll be showing him around the city as well.
 

yuletak

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IMO, just enjoy it while you can, unless you're the type to hang on emotionally. There's a high chance that she just wants someone to have a "fling" with while abroad. If that's hard for you to deal with, then better move on to someone who's more sincere about what they want.
 
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