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Trying to translate a book

I was wondering if anyone could check the translation of the last part of this book. I'm a little confused

おれたちはビッツをレズリーたちにまかせて、 ミレイユ探偵事務所にいた。 ふたりで、 キリエの部屋のベッドに入り、 毛布にくるまっていた。 壁にはおれの新しいジャケットが掛かっている。 柔らかい素材でできた、 シンプルなジャケットだ。
We left Vits with Leslie, and went to the Mireille Detective Agency. Both of us went into Kyrie's bedroom, and wrapped up in the blanket. My new jacket hung on the wall. It's a simple jacket, made of a soft material.

「えへへ」
"Hehe."

キリエはうれしそうに枕元から手紙を取り出す。 もう何度も読んだのに、 また読むつもりらしい。 手紙はタイラン・アールド氏からのもので、 息子のグールド・アールドから連絡があり、 近々再会することになったと記されていた。 そして、 ミレイユ探偵社に対する感謝と、 ねぎらいの言葉。 少なくはない金と一緒に、 ドアの隙間から中に押し込んであったものだ。
Kyrie cheerfully picked up a letter from the bedside. She had already read it many times, but it seems she was going to read it again. The letter had come from Tyran Arde, letting us know that he had contacted his son, Gould Arde, and decided to meet up again soon. And thanked Mireille Detective Agency with words of appreciation. It was pushed through the gap in the door, along with a little money.

「連絡くださいって。 ご飯おごってくれるみたい」
"Please call me. I'll treat you to some rice."

「代金もらって、 その上、 おごってもらうのか? 図々しくないかな」
"Payment, plus a treat? That's shameless."

「それほどアールドさんはうれしいってことでしょ? 楽しいことはみんなで分ける!」
"I'll call Arde, okay? We'll share the fun with everyone!"

「じゃあ、 そのうちな」
"Well, maybe soon."

「もう、 電話しちゃった」
"I've already called."

「That was quick.」
"That was quick."

「明日のお昼。 ビッツも一緒でいいって」
"Lunchtime tomorrow. It'll be nice to bring Vits."

「わかった」
"Sure."

おれたちはアイシクルロッジでツォンから借りた携帯電話を、 まだ返していなかった。 向こうは何も言ってこなかったが、 キリエに持たせておくのは危険かもしれない。
We still hadn't returned the cellphone we borrowed from Tseng in Icicle Inn. I hadn't told her, but keeping it from Kyrie might be dangerous.

「それから、 実はね、 レノにも連絡したんだ。 アイシクルロッジにいたよ」
"Actually, Reno contacted me. He was in Icicle Inn."

おれは驚き、 上半身を起こす。 キリエが抗議しながら毛布を自分の身体に引き寄せる。
I was surprised, and sat up. As Kyrie protested, she drew the blanket to her body.

「どうして?」
"Why?"

「そんなに驚かないで。 きっと、 村のこと、 いろいろ手伝ってるんじゃないかな」
"Don't be so surprised. I'm sure he was helping out in the village."

「そうじゃなくて、 どうして連絡したんだ?」
"No, why did he contact you?"

「----あのね、 レノとルードが初めてあなたのところへ来た日って、 誕生日だったでしょ?」
"...You see, the day Reno and Rude first came to my place, was a year ago, right?"

「ああ」
"Oh."

「わたし、 ちゃんと覚えていたのに、 いろいろあって、 おめでとうも言えなかった。 だから、 あらためて、 パーティーなんかできたらなって」
"He remembered, but for some reason, he didn't say congratulations. So the party is some other time."

「それにタークスを呼ぶつもりだった?」
"You were going to invite the Turks?"

「夕ークスっていうか、 お兄さん。 エヴァンの」
"I mean, the Turks, or your brother. Evan."

「----そんなこと、 よく思いついたな、 キリエ」
"...Don't bring that up, Kyrie."

「レノ、 喜んでたよ。 それから、 折り返し、 電話が来たの。 なんと、 お兄さん本人から」
"Reno was delighted. Then a phone call came. From your brother himself."

「お兄さんって、 やめろよ。 ピンと来ない。 で、 なんだって?」
"Forget my brother. Get to the point. What did you say?"

「面倒だから、 欠席だって」
"It would cause trouble, so he couldn't come."

「だろうな」
"I guess."

「でね、 こう言ってた。 うらやましくなんかないからな、 だって。 どういう意味かな」
"Then, he said, "It's not because I'm jealous." What does that mean?"

腹かひくひくして、 笑いが込みあげてきた。 そのうち、 会いに行くのもいいかもしれない----
My belly twitched, and I burst into laughter. It might be nice to go see them...
 
How did you get this far without knowing what って signifies? I'm afraid that has caused you to grossly mistranslate in several places.

ご飯 here means "a meal", not "rice".

誕生日 means "birthday", not "a year ago".
 
I knew it was birthday. I was trying to figure out the context, and must have pasted that before changing it back.
 
Various things (other than the issues with って that Mike has pointed out)
ベッド is not "bedroom"
少なくはない金 is the opposite of "a little money"

向こうは何も言ってこなかったが、 キリエに持たせておくのは危険かもしれない
- "向こう" refers to the people who loaned them the cellphone. キリエに持たせておく does not mean keeping it from Kyrie - Kyrie is the one who has it! ("危険" from the rest of the conversation is not literal danger btw - note that this follows on from the POV character being "meh" about meeting up with Arde and then finding out she's already called him up and set a date to meet).

レノにも連絡したんだ = she contacted Reno, not the other way around (も because she also called Arde). You need to re-read what follows with that in mind, because you've flipped a few things (in terms of who said what/did what).
 
The reported speech って is such a common feature of Japanese that there is no way on earth it has first appeared at this point in the book, which leads me to the observation that you must have gotten LOTS of mistranslated spots all throughout. In some places the errors couldn't help but be large, and in most places at least mildly confusing as to what is going on.

I would suggest stopping work on the translation, learning well the use of って (it isn't just some throwaway sentence-ending particle or speech habit that be ignored or left untranslated), and then going back through the whole thing and revising the translation every time you see って. Otherwise you're going to have a great many bolloxed up places. Haven't you noticed yourself that there are places where some things don't seem to make a whole lot of sense in the big picture? There's no way you got everything to make sense while ignoring って if you have throughout uniformly ignored it as you seem to have done here.
 
My work is being fixed up by a real translator as I go. I am just trying to get the story across for people who cant wait for the proofread/fixed up translation. I appreciate and understand the sentiment, but if you have no interest in helping, there is little point in posting.

Thank you, nekojita. That was really helpful. I made those changes. It makes a lot more sense.

I changed that to "They hadn't said anything, but maybe it was dangerous letting her keep it.
 
Pointing out a major stumbling block that is causing you to get things azz-backwards isn't helpful? It is astonishing what some people resent. You're like a guy rolling around in a pile of barbed wire who just wants others to put band-aids on him and resents it if told "Hey, you could save yourself a lot of trouble if you get off the barbed wire...." It's the old teaching you to fish rather than giving you a fish thing.

You also seem either to not know or to ignore the distinctions between the verbs of giving/receiving. The くれる in おごってくれる should have been a ginormous red flag that you missed both that sentence and the one prior (in addition to the って).


Those two should have been more like:

"He said to give him a call. I think he wants to buy you lunch/dinner".

Japanese can get away without always using pronouns precisely because it has clues like the って and because the directionality and politeness levels of the giving/receiving verbs make things obvious. Learning and paying careful attention to such clues is NOT optional. Not learning them or simply ignoring them WILL lead to getting things wrong.
 
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Its a miracle I even got that close to be honest. :p If I don't translate this with my minimal knowledge of Japanese, nobody will.

I assumed that was her reading a line from the letter, so didnt question the context. Guess I should pay more attention.


I was trying to figure out what this is ピンと来ない。 で、 なんだって?

I'm assuming it's "SOMETHING. Excuse me/what?"
I was never confident about a lot of this
 
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Looked over things a bit more closely....

Do you know the difference between 言えなかった and 言わなかった ? That one little difference is actually a large difference....the difference between "couldn't say" and "didn't say". In the same place, you also translated わたし as "he".

You get an A+ for effort and dogged tenacity in sticking it through to the end; that's admirable. Unfortunately, the overall output is a sympathy D- at best. It is almost a poster child for what I always harp on....the poor results one gets from tackling Japanese with a dictionary and reference books instead of putting in the time learning the language via well-prepared textbooks and associated materials. The overall impression I get is that you probably mostly just looked up nouns, verbs, and adjectives in dictionaries and....largely ignoring grammar....just tried to mash them all together into an English sentence that seemed plausible.

In order to do an effective and credible job of translating anything, you pretty much have to be able to understand it as-is already. I don't mean you shouldn't have to look up words here and there. I'm talking about being familiar with things like verb conjugations, significance of speech level and pronoun choice, awareness of things like active/passive voice and transitive/intransitive verb pairs, the significance of correctly recognizing the linguistic and social clues inherent in the giving/receiving verbs, particle usage (especially double particles), clueing in to omitted/implied phrases which can't be left that way in translation, common colloquial contractions (って for example), and probably a lot of other stuff that doesn't come to mind at the moment. These are things which have to be learned and which you have to know as looking them up is either impossible or impractical.

Many of your errors appear to be due to lack of familiarity with some rather basic grammar points such as would be covered in a freshman Japanese class. Not trying to pick on you or put you down here, far from it. I want to encourage you before doing another project like this one to work your way through at least the first couple books (and workbooks) of the Genki series and see how much more easily and effectively you can handle the next one. You have already displayed that you have brains, determination, tenacity, and everything else it takes to be a successful translator except a good foundation of the fundamentals. Turn your energies toward acquiring one and there is no limit to what you can accomplish afterwards.
 
贅沢は言えないけど means "I can't ask too much, but...". The speaker is not saying that the client is not luxurious.

I hate to necropost, but I will ask to be excused this time.

I believe in this situation something like "I can't afford to be choosy" or "I can't afford to pick and choose" may be an appropriate translation. Private detectives being hard up for cases and consequently not able to refuse anyone who comes along is a pretty common element in the genre.
 
Oh, I meant "ask for too much", sorry. 選り好みはできない vs. 贅沢は言えない, hmmm...
 
I fixed all of the early stuff up. Changed that to

"Today's client's name is Mr. Arde. Can't ask for too much, but I do prefer when the client is female. Men always get the wrong idea."
 
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