Translation for Erikku Needed! Thank you.

[Erikku~]

Hello everybody !!

For starters, I'm new here on this forum. I hope it will be interesting to discuss Japan-concerned topics with all of you, and that the time spent here will be enjoyable.

Now to my request...


I'm very used to Japanese, and I've been studying it for about a year. I can read/write Kana without any problem, and I know a couple of Kanji. Still though, my ability to express myself is pretty limited.
It's from here I need your help (anybody which is fluent in Japanese). I'm going to write a novel which will be highly Japan-influenced. At the beginning of each chapter in the story, I've thought about having a quote in Japanese (that in one way will give a hint about how the story will develop during the next couple of pages). So I would appreciate it if you'd help me with some small translation work.

If you have several proposals about how the quote could be written, please list them. Also, if you notice that something I write have a all-of-it's-own Japanese counterpart (like a proverb or something) please mention it.
I'd like the translations to be written pretty casual...

NOTE: I'll come up with more easy translation work for u guys with time. I'll post all of them here, to keep em' in the same place.

TRANSLATIONS:
"The spring is in full bloom, giving birth to keen challenges."

"A warm sensation strikes through the air." (<--- With 'sensation' here I refer to a strong feeling of love and admiration)

"At first, I wasn't aware of it..."


That's the three sentences I have for now. I hope you'll help me out.
よろしくね！

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa Erikku~san!

Welcome and Hajimemashite. Please enjoy the forum!

So I would appreciate it if you'd help me with some small translation work.

TRANSLATIONS:
"The spring is in full bloom, giving birth to keen challenges."

春は満開の花の中にあり、旺盛な意欲を生み出す.
Haru ha Mankai no Hana no Naka ni ari, Ousei na Iyoku wo Umi dasu.

"A warm sensation strikes through the air." (<--- With 'sensation' here I refer to a strong feeling of love and admiration)

温かさが大気にしみわたる.
Atatakasa ga Taiki ni Shimiwataru.

"At first, I wasn't aware of it..."

まずはじめに、わたしは気づいていなかった。
Mazu Hajime ni, Watashi ha Kiduite(kizuite) Inakatta.

Sorry, my translation is not fluency.

NANGI

 

[Erikku~]

Hajimemashite!
Thanks for your translations NANGI-san! Really appreciated.
How sure are you about these sentences? I see that you are from Japan, or at least, live in Japan...

Also, in the last sentence.. could I change 'watashi' to, for example, 'boku' to make it sound more personal? 'watashi' can sound a little neutral, right? Or am I wrong`?

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa Erikku~san!

How sure are you about these sentences? I see that you are from Japan, or at least, live in Japan...

I'm Japanese. My Japanese is good but English is not good.

But literal translation don't make any sense. If you wish good translation, you must explain more details about sentence.
Good explanation make good translation.

NANGI

 

[Erikku~]

NANGI-san, I get what you mean. I should explain some details about the quotes and see if that will make more sense.

1:
The first one is at the beginning of the first chapter. The spring is in full bloom and the mood of a young man is really good. He lives in a mountain village which is also a popular resort for hot spring bathing.
The first chapter is just to begin the story. Meaning that the summer soon will come, and that he will have a lot to experience.

2:
The second quote starts chapter 2. The summer has come, and the young man is in town. As he walks around, he notices a young woman standing by a shop.
Immediately, he feels the sensation of love arose in his body. He loves everything about her; her looks, her way of acting, her woman-like fragrance, the tone of her voice.

3:
The third quote will start some chapter in the middle of the story. The young woman mentioned above will get close to the young man. He thinks about her all the time.
But totally unexpected, the young man's childhood friend (and they have just been friends!) confess her love for him. This confuses him extremely.


Well, I hope that makes more sense.
Thanks for your help.

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa Erikku~san!

"The spring is in full bloom, giving birth to keen challenges."

I think this one means the beautiful bloom and expectation of love in spring. But this season is early summer exactly, because the scene is mountain village. Beautiful bloom suggests beautiful woman, and keen challenges means man's love. The spring show the warmth of weather and heart. And early summer means hot love.

TRANSLATIONS
春は花の盛りにあり、心に温かさを芽生えさせる.
Haru ha Hana no Sakari ni ari, Kokoro ni Atatakasa wo Mebae saseru.

"Haru" is spring.
"Hana no Sakari" is poetic phrasing of full bloom.
"ni ari" means "is in".

"Kokoro ni Atatakasa wo Mebae saseru" is not literal translation.
"Kokoro" is heart.
"Atatakasa" means cheerfulness, tender feelings, love, warmth of weather and heart.
"Mebae saseru" means "make sprout" literally. But it suggest "make begin to grow in the hearts". Spring is the season of sprout.
"Kokoro ni Atatakasa wo Mebae saseru" means "(Spring) make begin to grow warmth in the hearts" literally.
And "warmth in the hearts" suggest "keen challenges" or "positive heart".

"A warm sensation strikes through the air."
(<--- With 'sensation' here I refer to a strong feeling of love and admiration)

I think this is the beginning of love. The warm means weather's warmth and heart warmth. Of course the cause of heart warmth is the love.

TRANSLATIONS
世界は温かさに包まれる
Sekai ha Atatakasa ni Tsutsumareru.

"Sekai" is world. The world suggest "real weather" and "heart".
"Atatakasa" is warmth.
"Tsutsumareru" means "overspread", "be wraped", "be enveloped" or "be mantled".
This is "The world is covered with warmth" literally.

But I don't think this translation is not good because it digress from the original. Is the first translation better?

温かさが大気にしみわたる.
Atatakasa ga Taiki ni Shimiwataru.

This is literal translation.

"At first, I wasn't aware of it..."

Sorry, I couldn't understand this part exactly. Don't she love him(the young man)?

TRANSLATIONS
まずはじめに、わたしは知らなかった。
Mazu Hajime ni, Watashi ha Shiranakatta.

"Watashi ha Shiranakatta" is "I didn't know it" literally.
"Watashi ha Kiduite(kizuite) Inakatta" is literal translation.


I think this translation need poetic phrasing but not exact(literal) expression. sorry, I'm not poet and can not good translation.


You should look for a good poet if you want better translation.


NANGI

 

[Erikku~]

Konnichiwa NANGI-san!

Hontou ni, Doumo arigatou!! You've really been a great help to me. I'm very very grateful!
I think the first translation seems good, and that I'm very satisfied with it.



I don't know about which to use in the second quote ..
The young man is walking around on the town's market, and suddenly sees her. He notices her directly, and it's like a shock of warmth striking through his body directly. He starts to like her immediately.
Maybe you can judge which sounds the better.. it don't have to be too poetic. However, I thought the verb to be more like "strikes through/goes through/fills" ... maybe you can come up with one more alternative.. onegai shimasu



The last translation ...
The young man is the first one to catch his eyes on the young woman (in town). He gets closer to her, they start to meet, and she starts to like him too.
However, there is an additional character to the story.. the young man has a childhood friend! They have always been friends (at least if you ask the young man ), but the childhood friend confesses her love to the young man very surprisingly. Because the young man was already in love with the young woman, he becomes confused, and doesn't know how to act.

Both translations sounds good to me, but I think I'll go with the first one. "Shiranakatta" sounds a little too "light-weight" (if you get what I mean ). I more want the verb to be like "to realize, become aware of".

~~~~~~~~
Well, I'm very satisfied and grateful with your help, NANGI-san! And also.. you seem to be pretty romantic, so even if your not a poet, you could become a good one !

 

[NANGI]

Konnichiwa Erikku~san!

I don't know about which to use in the second quote ..

TRANSLATIONS
1.温かさが大気にしみわたる.
Atatakasa ga Taiki ni Shimiwataru.

2.世界は温かさに包まれる
Sekai ha Atatakasa ni Tsutsumareru.

I think the first one is better if you want to strictly translation. Second one is poetic phrasing but is vagueness. Second one has two meanings about "warmth", "real weather" and "heart". But first one means weather.

The last translation ...
The young man is the first one to catch his eyes on the young woman (in town). He gets closer to her, they start to meet, and she starts to like him too.
However, there is an additional character to the story.. the young man has a childhood friend! They have always been friends (at least if you ask the young man ), but the childhood friend confesses her love to the young man very surprisingly. Because the young man was already in love with the young woman, he becomes confused, and doesn't know how to act.

Ok, I understand now! Thanks!

Both translations sounds good to me, but I think I'll go with the first one. "Shiranakatta" sounds a little too "light-weight" (if you get what I mean ). I more want the verb to be like "to realize, become aware of".

TRANSLATIONS
1.まずはじめに、わたしは気づいていなかった。
Mazu Hajime ni, Watashi ha Kiduite(kizuite) Inakatta.

2.まずはじめに、わたしは知らなかった。
Mazu Hajime ni, Watashi ha Shiranakatta.

I think the first one is better because it is strictly. And yes, the first sounds more "heavy". But the second one is more natural speaking in Japan. The second one is vagueness but Japanese language is very vagueness originally.

NANGI

 

[Erikku~]

Thanks, really!

Ok, NANGI-san! I really appreciate your help! I think you've done a good job. Doumo arigatou!
I will come back later to this topic (when I've developed the story further) with more translation help. Hope you're able to help me again then.

Take care!