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The Japanese spouse and with a gaijin spouse

musicisgood

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Any of you fit this description? If so, how soon was it to you that you found out that life in Japan might not be up to par to what you may have imagined.
I think one of the first things that I encountered was that I lost being in control of my destiny here. That happened on my 3 rd day here in Japan.
What I mean by that is that my Japanese wife took total control of everything, which was wrong as years later I found out.
Life is short.
 

jt9258

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Any of you fit this description? If so, how soon was it to you that you found out that life in Japan might not be up to par to what you may have imagined.
I think one of the first things that I encountered was that I lost being in control of my destiny here. That happened on my 3 rd day here in Japan.
What I mean by that is that my Japanese wife took total control of everything, which was wrong as years later I found out.
Life is short.

I think a lot of foreigners allow their Japanese partners to control everything for them, as they are too lazy to learn the Japanese way of life and as a result their life is not as they had imagined it would be, this also applies to foreign businesses and corporations who do not understand how to do business within the Japanese market place.

Additionally I would go as far as saying that many feel that to adopt the Japanese way of life would result in them losing some thing, when they have far more to gain by working within the conformity of the Japanese way of life, they only lose because they refuse to learn, understand, accept and live.

But more importantly, one of the reasons a Japanese wife would control a foreign husband, is because he does not understand his role/place in the marriage which is that of Head of the household/Family and master.

Think about this, in July 2012 the government abolished the Alien Registration system and included all foreigners on the Japanese residence system, as a result it was the first time in history that a foreign man could be listed on the Juminhyo as the Head of the Household and therefore the Head of the Family.

Foreign men have no excuse not to succeed in Japan, because Japan is still a man's country.
 
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Glenski

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Been here 20 years and married to a Japanese for almost all of that. Your description of a lost life has never been a part of mine.
 

johnnyG

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Have you read or seen The Woman in the Dunes?

I've given at least a few minutes to thinking how analogous my life here might be to that story--what might (or might not) be similar...
 

musicisgood

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Have you read or seen The Woman in the Dunes?

I've given at least a few minutes to thinking how analogous my life here might be to that story--what might (or might not) be similar...


I'll have to check that book out.
 

johnnyG

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If you want to cut to the chase (NSFW), click up to about an hour in.

Pretty risqué for '64. And all that sand during the act...?!?!

(and hey, anything to derail @jt9258 )

(and if it says "unavailable" go to youtube and google the title)
 
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franck.f

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Well, you don't need to get married to live in Japan.
Stay 5 years on a work visa and then get naturalized.
After that you're free to do anything you want.
Personally I chose to never get married and never have kids. Now at 47 I still think I've made the right choice.


Any of you fit this description? If so, how soon was it to you that you found out that life in Japan might not be up to par to what you may have imagined.
I think one of the first things that I encountered was that I lost being in control of my destiny here. That happened on my 3 rd day here in Japan.
What I mean by that is that my Japanese wife took total control of everything, which was wrong as years later I found out.
Life is short.
 

mdchachi

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Well, you don't need to get married to live in Japan.
Stay 5 years on a work visa and then get naturalized.
After that you're free to do anything you want.
Personally I chose to never get married and never have kids. Now at 47 I still think I've made the right choice.
I think most don't plan to stay in Japan. It's usually a consequence from other life choices. Certainly it's a great place to be single. My 20s spent in Japan were great but it went by far too fast.
 

franck.f

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A great bonus in Japan is that you can remain in your 20's much longer than any other country since there is less age discrimination when you're a guy. It's not uncommon to see couples with a 20 years difference. Guys like me who aren't into mariage/kid are forced to date much younger women. The ones in their 40's are often in "mariage rush" as they feel they don't have enough time left. Pretty sad.

I think most don't plan to stay in Japan. It's usually a consequence from other life choices. Certainly it's a great place to be single. My 20s spent in Japan were great but it went by far too fast.
 

jt9258

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If you want to cut to the chase (NSFW), click up to about an hour in.

Pretty risqué for '64. And all that sand during the act...?!?!

(and hey, anything to derail @jt9258 )

(and if it says "unavailable" go to youtube and google the title)

Not sure how the movie was to derail me, has not changed anything.
 

HanSolo

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I think one of the first things that I encountered was that I lost being in control of my destiny here. That happened on my 3 rd day here in Japan.
That's really not what happened. You handed over control. You can take back control (of yourself) at any time. Your's is an optional prison. If only I could show you what I've seen, like a movie reel. Some of the guys I met in Japan, foreigners, had done so damn well, and were so in control, it was ridiculous. One guy was the same age as me and had previously arrived on a working holiday visa like I had and was doing crazy well and was in total control of his life (despite having a woman & kids). Hint: every single one of them started their own businesses, none of them were English teaching employees.

I think a lot of foreigners allow their Japanese partners to control everything for them, as they are too lazy to learn the Japanese way of life and as a result their life is not as they had imagined it would be
Yep, a lot of "powerlessness" is just due to laziness.

Have you read or seen The Woman in the Dunes
I loved that movie
 

Vincent3

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My Japanese wife made some bold moves to take control of me, and I put a stop to that right away. If she wanted a marriage that followed traditional Japanese archetypes, she should have married a traditionally-minded Japanese man. My outlook on marriage doesn't involve either spouse being reduced to a predetermined role-bearer. When a new cooperative aspect of the marriage comes up, the two individual adults need to work out an arrangement that works for them.
 

salyavin

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I let my Japanese wife handle a lot in Japan as her Japanese and culture knowledge is better and it reversed when we came to America. I never handed over all control of money though. She always wanted me to make final decisions I just had her do the paperwork and running around. I would say my experience is quite positive. I guess I have to understand more of what you mean by your wife being in control of everything and so early, the 3rd day? Did you ever spend time in Japan unmarried? Did you marry outside of Japan then move to Japan perhaps? That experience would be a bit different.
 
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musicisgood

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I let my Japanese wife handle a lot in Japan as her Japanese and culture knowledge is better and it reversed when we came to America. I never handed over all control of money though. She always wanted me to make final decisions I just had her do the paperwork and running around. I would say my experience is quite positive. I guess I have to understand more of what you mean by your wife being in control of everything and so early, the 3rd day? Did you ever spend time in Japan unmarried? Did you marry outside of Japan then move to Japan perhaps? That experience would be a bit different.


No, this is my first marriage. Met her in 75 while in the Air Force. We moved to America for 17 years and then moved back to her country. I was really 100% dependent on her since I had no skills of her language. Also, I moved here to work for her company. So I guess that is the reason why I said she did have control of my "actions" here in Japan.
I recently met a girl married to a Japanese man, she does not even have a driver license. She has 2 kids from her Japanese husband. And really doesn't work within the Japanese work force due to her "husbands control" over her.
I don't think my story is so uncommon.
 

mdchachi

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And really doesn't work within the Japanese work force due to her "husbands control" over her.
I'm not sure you can attribute that to her husband's control. That's just following typical societal roles in Japan is it not?
 

salyavin

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I think the important thing is to think how to move forward. Seems the place to start is the learn the language. There are cheap or free classes in most prefectures that can help you start. For example in Gunma Gunma Association of Tourism, Local Products & International Exchange then I suggest using what you learn quickly with people in the community which will help you retain it and improve. You may need additional classes and graded readers to help you with reading. You can find graded readers in most book stores. Yes you will read things for children but that is how you learn. If you can talk to people you may be surprised how quickly your listening comprehension and speaking improves, in just a couple years you'll be OK in daily conversation. Maybe find a group that shares a hobby like cycling, hiking or whatever you're in to.

Will you still have trouble with things like apartment rental, absolutely. But as your language improves you can take on more agency in your life. I also recommend obtaining permanent residency when you can it can help you get property loans and be less dependent on your spouse for your visa. I am assuming you are planning long term stay.

You should also be able to collect your social security payments in Japan. International Programs so you can have some money coming in independently of your wife's company.

I feel you can move forward to achieve the agency you desire.
 

AreYouAsCome

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But more importantly, one of the reasons a Japanese wife would control a foreign husband, is because he does not understand his role/place in the marriage which is that of Head of the household/Family and master.
.

Damn, I've heard that women are treated as a lower species in Japan, I guess some grow up feeling powerless and when a foreigner comes along they either do it sub consciously or consciously, still, sounds hella toxic of a relationship for some people.

I'm not sure you can attribute that to her husband's control. That's just following typical societal roles in Japan is it not?

Japan seems like a very tough country. Advanced technology but the ethics still date back to the stone age. I'm not sure, correct me if I'm wrong though.
 

mdchachi

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Damn, I've heard that women are treated as a lower species in Japan, I guess some grow up feeling powerless and when a foreigner comes along they either do it sub consciously or consciously, still, sounds hella toxic of a relationship for some people.
There are toxic relationships in every culture. I don't think it's worse in Japan. Probably better in many respects. I also don't agree that women are treated as a lower species from what I've seen but then I'm not a woman in Japan so I really can't comment in depth.
Japan seems like a very tough country. Advanced technology but the ethics still date back to the stone age. I'm not sure, correct me if I'm wrong though.
It's more like 1950s America where man is expected to work and woman is expected to rear the children and maintain the household. So it then makes it difficult for a woman to escape a bad relationship because the man has the economic power. But there are many variations and modern households where both work and don't follow this pattern.
 

AreYouAsCome

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There are toxic relationships in every culture. I don't think it's worse in Japan. Probably better in many respects. I also don't agree that women are treated as a lower species from what I've seen but then I'm not a woman in Japan so I really can't comment in depth.

It's more like 1950s America where man is expected to work and woman is expected to rear the children and maintain the household. So it then makes it difficult for a woman to escape a bad relationship because the man has the economic power. But there are many variations and modern households where both work and don't follow this pattern.

I heard that from a Women that worked in Japan as a manga assistant, she was American.

That's why everyone should have an equal opportunity, it really doesn't sound fair.
 

Buntaro

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I've heard that women are treated as a lower species in Japan,


It should be mentioned that Prime Minister Abe is a "special advisor" (read "unofficial member") to an important political group called the Nihon Kaigi, which advocates the return to 'the good old days', including returning woman to a total state of submissiveness. If Abe has his way, Japanese women will once more be forced to walk two steps behind their husbands.

"...turning back sexual equality, restoring patriarchal values...misogyny..."

Nippon Kaigi - Wikipedia

When I was in Japan, I had a boss who absolutely refused to let his wife work, for what I can only describe as "social reasons".
 
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AreYouAsCome

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It should be mentioned that Prime Minister Abe is a "special advisor" (read "unofficial member") to a political group called the Nihon Kaigi, which advocates the return to "the good old days", including returning woman to a total state of submissiveness.

"...turning back sexual equality, restoring patriarchal values...misogyny..."

Nippon Kaigi - Wikipedia

When I was in Japan, I had a boss who absolutely refused to let his wife work, for what I can only describe as "social reasons".

That makes me very disappointed and sad, none of us chose to be born into this world as a specific species, sex, race, etc, and some people expect us to act a certain way and imply we are below them as a result.

The Japanese are hard working people, which is good, but they overdo it. Mental Health must be quite bad for some people there.
 

johnnyG

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My wife has always worked, probably longer overall than I have. After both our kids, she was back at it in 8-10 weeks, in contrast to the year-long leave that some women take (tho our daughter did do that). We found daycare here (保育園) to be wonderful, effectively the modern version of an extended family.

I heard that from a Women that worked in Japan as a manga assistant, she was American.

Yeah, that outlier is perfect for basing a conclusion on...! ;)
 

AreYouAsCome

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My wife has always worked, probably longer overall than I have. After both our kids, she was back at it in 8-10 weeks, in contrast to the year-long leave that some women take (tho our daughter did do that). We found daycare here (保育園) to be wonderful, effectively the modern version of an extended family.



Yeah, that outlier is perfect for basing a conclusion on...! ;)
I'm sorry I mean I didn't think it was completely like that, I'm just saying I heard it from someone and wanted to see what others have to see. I definitely wasn't basing a conclusion on it! :):giggle:
 
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