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Stupid jokes

Maciamo

Maciamo

先輩
17 Jul 2002
3,368
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Why are seamen always so cheerful ?:gulp:


Because they like having a merry time.






(didn't get it ? merry time = maritime :eek: )


That was limit... 🙇‍♂️ That's why I have started a stupid jokes topic. After a hard day, sometimes its enough to make you laugh (if you are drunk...)
 
Hehe, there are a lot of seamen/semen jokes, but, oh well, perhaps in the adult section, if we ever open one.
 
Have you heard about that new restaurant on the moon?

Great food and good prices... but just no

ATMOSPHERE!

:D :D :D
 
What about that new pilot recruited in emergency by Aeroflot. As he hadn't graduated from the aviaton school but they were badly in need of pilots, so he was told to take crash course. :D
 
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.

Thank you! I'll be here all week! 🎈
 
MY RESUME

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -- I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly
because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

Next I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to
the task.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Now, I'm helping chart the course of our nation's future by helping resolve
the ballot situation in Florida. But, I'm not getting paid, so I guess it
doesn't count!

______________________

STOCK NEWS

I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron."

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co., & Northern Tissue Co.

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your
American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and
millions were wiped clean.

___________________

Weird Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electricity Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


_______________________
 
Those are great Satori! :D I'm trying to get a job at a bakery - I really need the dough. 🙏 Thank you, thank you! :p

There's an Indian builder near where I live and it says on his van: "You've tried all the cowboys - now try the Indian."
 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -- I
couldn't concentrate.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

🎈 :D All those were great! I love these!
 
Some apostrophes are having a party and in walks a full stop. Everyone stops and stares. The full stop says: "What...I gelled my hair".
 
A woman was in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asked. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," the second daughter asked. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on
your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammmangh!"
The mother replied, "Be quiet, Fridge."
 
These three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it first.

These three psychics walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have forseen it first.

Jovial - I'm not sure what a full stop is...
 
A man is standing at a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut
bowl. "I really like your tie," it says. "You're smashing, you are. You're
really lovely." Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his
table. Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. "You and your
wife are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says. The man is baffled and asks
the barman what is going on. "I'm so sorry," says the barman. "The peanuts
are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."
 
Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the
old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence
post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by
himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's
up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post
turtle."

👍
 
Heres some Confucious quotes I found one time:

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.

Well since Xhristmas has passed, I guess Im late in positng this spinoff of "Silent Night"

Silent Fart, deadly fart, all was calm, but not for long" thats all Ican remember from the Larry the Cable Guy "Git-R-Done" DVD I got for a B-day gift this year.

I think we should have a "adult section" for this kind of humor
 
A man walks into a bar... "Ouch!"

:LOL: ...that one is so dumb you have to laugh!

OR maybe you like your mama jokes... here's a personal favorite.

Your mama so old... when I told her to act her age she died.

:D For some reason I just picture a little old lady dropping dead instantly...
 
mad pierrot said:
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the
old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence
post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by
himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's
up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post
turtle."

👍
Click to expand...

:D :D Hahahahah! That's the BEST thing I've EVER heard! -likes anything involving dissing George W. Bush-

Go you! 📣

jovial_jon said:
A woman was in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asked. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," the second daughter asked. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on
your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammmangh!"
The mother replied, "Be quiet, Fridge."
Click to expand...

-dies. Just plain out dies-
 
Maciamo said:
That was limit... 🙇‍♂️ That's why I have started a stupid jokes topic. After a hard day, sometimes its enough to make you laugh (if you are drunk...)
Click to expand...


Or stoned.. ( im not stoned... but if you are stoned its nice i think!!)
 

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