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Song lyrics accurateness

Kiuto

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Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, glad to meet you all!

To go straight to the point, I wrote a little song in Japanese some years ago... and I would like to record the song now but I'm pretty sure the lyrics are full of mistakes. Could someone tell me what my mistakes are and what changes could be made to enhance the lyrics ?
Thank you in advance for your help and try not be shocked by my poor grammar ^^'.

Here are the lyrics with what I wanted to say in english:

明日 // Tomorrow
もう一度 // Once again

どうしよう ? // How to do ?
世界の手は世界の上に閉じた // The world has closed its hand on the world
後先の無闇な仕業に考えず // Without thinking to the consequences of the foolish acts

天使は天の中に泣きはらす // The angel weeps in paradise
花弁は空の中に舞う // The petals dance in the sky

不在の中に、世界の手は自身の上に閉じた // In the absence, the world has closed its hand on itself
私は見上げる // I look up
信じられない // I can't believe it

天使は天の中に泣きはらす // The angel weeps in paradise
私の星、ここに残って下さい // My star, please stay here

明日 // Tomorrow
もう一度 // Once again

天使は天の中に泣きはらす // The angel weeps in paradise
全ての白い服を着て // All dressed up in white

天使は天の中に泣きはらす // The angel weeps in paradise
堕天使は辺の中に泣きはらす // The fallen angel weeps near
 

Toritoribe

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Besides grammatical mistakes (e.g. 全ての白い服を着て means "wearing all the white clothes I have/in the world" or 辺の中に doesn't make sense), "the lyrics is grammatically correct" is not the same as "the lyrics sounds natural". You at least need to unify the writing style. どうしよう ? or ここに残って下さい sounds quite odd in that lyrics, for instance.
 

Kiuto

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Thanks a lot for your remarks ! I'll try to correct these mistakes ! Is the rest of the text ok though ? Or is the whole thing odd ?
 

Kiuto

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I can come up with a few questions/corrections.

1. Is どうしたら better ?
2. Second is a remark: is 天 really different from 天国 ? I don't know which one is more appropriate here.
3. Maybe I can remove the 私は in the sentence "I look up". The "I" is implicit then right ?
4. If 2 is yes, can I do the same for 私の星 ?
5. Can I replace 残って by いて ? I don't know how to change that another way.
6. Is 白色を全部着て better ?
7.If I get rid of the の中, is it better ? : 堕天使は辺に泣きはらす

I know it's a lot of questions ^^', just answer me if you find the time :).
 

Toritoribe

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1)
I would say どうすればいい.

2)
Heaven vs. paradise, respectively.

3)
No, you need to make clear who the subject is.

4)
Ditto.

5)
It totally depends on the meaning you want to give to "stay".

6)
It doesn't work well, either.

7)
It doesn't make sense, either.
 

Kiuto

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1. Oh ok thanks :)
2. I wanted to say heaven so that's cool :)
3 + 4. OK. But can I use 俺 instead of 私? (Just wondering)
5. It has here a figurative meaning. It's the sense of "having a lucky star". Like... I'd tell it to continue bringing me luck. I don't know if that's clear x'D.
6. I can only say 白い服を着て(いる?). But I'd like to add the idea of "entirely" if it's possible. Which word can I use for that ?
7. I give it a last shot ^^ : 堕天使はこの近くに泣きはらす. (If I can keep 堕天使 at the beginning of the sentence ?)
 

Toritoribe

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3) 4)
Yes.

5)
Then, 残る is not appropriate.

6)
全身白い服を着て, for instance.

7)
身近に/身近で
 

Kiuto

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3 + 4 + 6 + 7. OK cool !
5. Which verb do you think would be more appropriate to use here ?
 

Toritoribe

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I would use 留まる or 留まり続ける.
 
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