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should i remarry my ex?

sandoro

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it is quite messy, but let's see if i can make it clear for you guys.
i was married to my japanese wife, a year ago we divorced, that was in london, during that time i fell in love with a young japanese girl in london, me and my ex we had a talk about where to upbring our baby who is at the moment 3 years old, so even though we divorced we spoke about to goback to japan, but i had this girl aside, so because she also had to goback to japan i thought that was perfect, i would be still be able to see the J/G and at the same time to see my baby, i don't hate my ex i have just lost all the feeling that i used to have, basically is just a sister to me, but for the sake of the baby i was wondering if is right to remarry her, but i am infactuated or maybe in love with this young girl, so i don't know what to do.
what do you guys think?
 

DoctorP

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I think that you are 42 years old and still have a lot of growing up to do! Don't get back with your ex-wife just for the sake of the kid, because you will never be a family no matter what you try...kids can see through all the smoke screens you put up!
 

sandoro

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CC1 said:
I think that you are 42 years old and still have a lot of growing up to do! Don't get back with your ex-wife just for the sake of the kid, because you will never be a family no matter what you try...kids can see through all the smoke screens you put up!


i see the baby on weekends, but i feel i should be there everyday.
age is a state of mind, being 42 does not make me god.
it does not matter how many mistake we do, we will never learn.
especially when we have an infactuation, those feeling cannot be rationalized.
i thought about that, that babies can feel that, but they will also face the reality eventually, like anyone of us
 

nice gaijin

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being a father for your child does not necessitate that you are married to his/her mother. It's rough in a social sense to grow up with divorced parents in Japan, but on an emotional level it'd be rougher to have parents in a forced marriage. I think re-marrying your ex for the sake of the child is potentially damaging for your child's own relationships in the future.
 

sandoro

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nice gaijin said:
being a father for your child does not necessitate that you are married to his/her mother. It's rough in a social sense to grow up with divorced parents in Japan, but on an emotional level it'd be rougher to have parents in a forced marriage. I think re-marrying your ex for the sake of the child is potentially damaging for your child's own relationships in the future.


thanks for your out put.
 

Tokis-Phoenix

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If you were already married to your ex and you were thinking about splitting up because you had lost that special somthing in your marriage, id advise you to stay with your ex for the childs sake- but you have already divorced your ex, which i think makes things different/more complicated...
If you want to play the father role to your child, in my honest opinion, i think the most important thing is not to go around shagging loads of other women even if you dont love your ex anymore- theres no point in being a father to a child if all it sees/knows is you going around with loads of other women; i think the most important thing is to give the child a stable enviroment to grow up in, they say that what a child learns in the first 5yrs of its life effects what sort of person it will be for the next 50yrs. Children pick unconsciously pick up aspects about their parents relationship/s and behavior, and psychologists also say that these aspects effect how the child builds his/her sociable bonds with other people in the future/later in life.
Hmm...
Marriage is no light matter, its expensive as well, i agree you dont need to be married to your childs mother(wether she's an ex partner or current one) to make a good father, but i do believe that marriage helps create a more stable enviroment for a child to grow up in alot of the time. I think wether you marry your ex or not is completely up to you, but i think its what sort of image of yourself and how you interact with the childs mother you show to your child and what sort of enviroment you give it to grow up in and learn from is what is most important. I think some of it is about meeting your needs, but i think you should put the child first either way.
Sorry if i am blabbering on a bit, im not really answering any of your questions very well 😌 ...
 

Tokis-Phoenix

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I have some questions;
a. Do you have a job and do you financially support your ex/child in any way?
b. How much time do you spend with your child every month on average?
c. Does your ex know you have a girlfriend and is she cool with it/accepts your have a new love in your life?
d. How does your girlfriend feel about you having a child from a previous relationship and is she cool with it do you know, or doesn't she know yet?
e. Have you talked through any of this very thoroughly yet with your ex?
f. How does your ex feel about your current situation(love life, your relationship with her, your work situation/social life etc?)
g. Does your ex have a job or does she spend all of her time at home with the child?
h. Does your ex have a boyfriend- how would you feel about her having a boyfriend especially if you re-married her?
i. Has your girlfriend seen your child and would you keep her and the child completely separate if you re-married or would she be allowed to see the child if the oppotunity arose?
j. Do you do any drugs/drink alchohol a fair amount at all etc?

Sorry if these are rather personal questions, i am not judging you at all, but i think this info would help out a huge amount in understanding your situation and helping give out better/more accurate advice :) .
 

Xkavar

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My dad left my mom for a younger woman when I was eight. So whatever advice I can give you is laden with both bias and experience.

I'm also assuming your child is a son because my relevant experience comes from being a boy. If your child is actually a daughter, I'm not sure how much of my experience and bias will be accurate.

The reality of the situation is that no matter what you or your ex-wife or your significant other do or say, your child will grow up hating you, or your ex-wife, or both of you. That is simply a by-product of a failed marriage. Your son will be put in situations where he will be acutely aware that he comes from a single biological parent family, and no step-mother or step-father will be able to fill the pain your son feels until he is very grown up. Maybe not even then.

The best thing you can do for your son, quite frankly, is to be as good a parent as you can. That means a physical presense. If it comes down to a choice between an important work meeting and going to his baseball game, you'd damn well better go to his game because he'll never forgive you if you don't. If you make him a promise for something he considers really, really important, keep it. If he approaches you for something, like money, at least hear him out for why he needs it. Do not deny him outright. Enjoy your time with him. Never, ever make him feel like he's a burden, or he'll carry his hatred well past your life expectency on this planet.

Explain that even though you don't love his mother anymore, you still love him. Do not dare cry when saying this; he'll only think you're trying to manipulate his feelings and get him to take sides. If you actually think taking sides is a good thing, wait until you're older and he becomes taller than you. When he's a teenager, he'll go through rebellion phases like everyone else. Only he'll have a pretty good reason for it.

Be as truthful as you can to him. About everything you know. Don't be afraid to tell him you don't know some things. Some concepts he will simply not understand until he engages in sex or has his first relationship. And yes, he will engage in sex one way or the other. At a deep level, he is following your example.

Do not fight with your ex in front of your son. That should be and will become self-apparent.

Do not marry your ex for the sake of the child. If you're worried about money issues, simply pay child support on time, every time. Put aside money for your son's college education and do not touch it for any goddamn reason in the universe, up to and including payment of bills. If you're worried about emotional issues, simply bow to your ex's decisions and only question them in private.

A lot of men think that if they can't have their ex's love, they'll take their hate, so long as attention is focused on them. Do not be like that.

You'll end up breaking some of these rules anyway. Such is what it is. Deal as best as you can when the time comes.
 

Mike Cash

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sandoro said:
what do you guys think?

I don't think a guy as self-centered and immature as you are would be doing your ex or your kid any favors by being around. An absence of male influence would be preferable to the presence of a negative influence.
 

Tokis-Phoenix

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mikecash said:
I don't think a guy as self-centered and immature as you are would be doing your ex or your kid any favors by being around. An absence of male influence would be preferable to the presence of a negative influence.

Hey, hey! Give the guy a chance!
Xkavar- you have some good advice i think, but telling a 3yr old child that you dont like his/her mum is not going to help- you need to take the age factor of the child into consideration.
You also have to remember plenty of parents never get married in the first place and can still continue to be awesome parents- this guy is trying to do whats best for the child, he isn't trying to abandon his child.
Mikecash- thats a really harsh thing to say, whats this guy done that is selfish? He's come here to ask whats the best thing to do, even if it means re-marrying his ex, for the sake of the child involved in all of this- you cant really call that selfish and imature?

Personally i dont think he should marry his Ex, as you dont need need to be married to make a good father or mother for that matter, whatever his actions though he should do for the benefet for the child, but on the other hand, there's no point in being miserable as the child will pick up on that too; you need to find a balance.
Once he gives us some more info on his situation, i think at least i will be more confident in giving him advice on what to do.
 

sandoro

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Tokis-Phoenix said:
I have some questions;
a. Do you have a job and do you financially support your ex/child in any way?
b. How much time do you spend with your child every month on average?
c. Does your ex know you have a girlfriend and is she cool with it/accepts your have a new love in your life?
d. How does your girlfriend feel about you having a child from a previous relationship and is she cool with it do you know, or doesn't she know yet?
e. Have you talked through any of this very thoroughly yet with your ex?
f. How does your ex feel about your current situation(love life, your relationship with her, your work situation/social life etc?)
g. Does your ex have a job or does she spend all of her time at home with the child?
h. Does your ex have a boyfriend- how would you feel about her having a boyfriend especially if you re-married her?
i. Has your girlfriend seen your child and would you keep her and the child completely separate if you re-married or would she be allowed to see the child if the oppotunity arose?
j. Do you do any drugs/drink alchohol a fair amount at all etc?
Sorry if these are rather personal questions, i am not judging you at all, but i think this info would help out a huge amount in understanding your situation and helping give out better/more accurate advice :) .


man!! a lot of question,
let's see if i can answer them.

a yes of course i have a job, and i support them financially.
b weekends
c she doesn't
d they know, and sometime i take the baby to see them, they are cool with that.
e i did not understand the question
f since she does not know about my current relationship, i would not know, i can tell you that she still wants me back.
g she has a partime job
h she does not have any boyfirend, if she found someone, i would not have a problem.
i i would keep it separetely, but, since i would be able to see the child, i sometime would take him to them.
j i drink a lot, and smoke too, but that's all

I know you are not judging me.
i hope i answered properly your questions.
 

Mike Cash

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Tokis-Phoenix said:
Mikecash- thats a really harsh thing to say, whats this guy done that is selfish? He's come here to ask whats the best thing to do, even if it means re-marrying his ex, for the sake of the child involved in all of this- you cant really call that selfish and imature?
Certainly I can, and I did.
Did you gloss over this part?:
sandoro said:
i thought that was perfect, i would be still be able to see the J/G and at the same time to see my baby

Also, it would seem that unbeknownst to the child's mother, he has been taking the child to see his honey. While one may argue that as a parent he has the right to introduce his child to anyone he wishes, doing it behind the mother's back is dishonest, dishonorable, and despicable.
 
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ArmandV

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K.I.S.S. Method

Use the K.I.S.S. Method (Keep It Simple, Stupid):

1. Be a dad to your child emotionally and financially.

2. Enjoy your life with your girlfriend.

3. Do the above two without re-marrying your ex.
 

AllMakesCombined

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I guess it doesn't help that you're getting conflicting advice. Sorry to make it worse, but:

No. Don't marry your ex. I say this because there is probably a reason why she became your ex in the first place. The minute you get back in to any old relationship, you've started a pattern of make-ups and break-ups.

Now getting back together for an occasional romp in the sack would work... Nothing wrong with a pattern like that. lol
 

sandoro

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mikecash said:
Certainly I can, and I did.
Did you gloss over this part?:
Also, it would seem that unbeknownst to the child's mother, he has been taking the child to see his honey. While one may argue that as a parent he has the right to introduce his child to anyone he wishes, doing it behind the mother's back is dishonest, dishonorable, and despicable.

remember i am not married, why is so dishonest to take the baby to show to my G/f, i take care of the baby, because is also mine.
if i tell my ex the truth i distroy her.
and also i left her not the otherway around, we are still friend so i think is good to keep the friendship.

and say i get married with soemone else, i will alwasy have the right to take the baby to the future to be married, what is the problem with that?

in anycase i still don't know what to do.
 

sandoro

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ArmandV said:
Use the K.I.S.S. Method (Keep It Simple, Stupid):
1. Be a dad to your child emotionally and financially.
2. Enjoy your life with your girlfriend.
3. Do the above two without re-marrying your ex.


i am thinking to continue like that, but, i am 42, so i have to put that in consideration, sometime just to be in love with someone else will not work eventually, they are 25 and 26, and they live with their parents, so i am in deep sh.t if i think about.
 

sandoro

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AllMakesCombined said:
I guess it doesn't help that you're getting conflicting advice. Sorry to make it worse, but:
No. Don't marry your ex. I say this because there is probably a reason why she became your ex in the first place. The minute you get back in to any old relationship, you've started a pattern of make-ups and break-ups.
Now getting back together for an occasional romp in the sack would work... Nothing wrong with a pattern like that. lol


there will alwasy be conflicting advice, and that is what i feel at the moment anyway, in the end i have to make a decision, could right or wrong, but is a decision.
 

sandoro

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m477 said:
Hey, why not? It worked for eminem...
really?
alright then i should do the same.
how old is him?
and how reach is him?
 

MajideSaiaku

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If you want my honest honest, honest as the painful first bright light of day that burns your sleep filled eyes advice, i would say you should considor very seriously, returning to your own country, and settling down there.
I base this on several observations.
1. You are divorced from your wife, though you havnt specified why exactly you did say you were the one that left her, and it doesnt feel to me the kinda divorce that is somehow a mistake, it feels to me from what ive read that it was destined from the start.
2. your 42.
3. Ontop of that your going around dating 20 something japanese girls living with their parents.
4. Your taking your kid to see these girlfriends behind your wifes back, agree or not, if its so hard for her it would destroy her, either you should stop taking the kid or stop seeing the girl.
5. your living in gaijin houses, and i have yet to find out if you have a stable job there.
6. Its clear that this situation you are in has alot of emotional strings attached, very little for you out of it.
I feel all this considored, you should move home, what ive been taking into considoration has come from other threads you have also written, and it seems, you have no purpouse in japan, if there was any better example of a gaijin lost in japan who probably shouldnt be there, you would be my front runner...not saying that your a bad person or dont deserve to be in japan but i dunno, the outlook seems bleak, if you hadnt left your ex-wife, then you could continue to live in japan, and raise your child, but as it is, your a 42 year old bachalor with apparently to anchor apart from the faint whisper of some duty you owe to your son.
In japan children can grow up with a single mother much better then in the west, in the west the dads are comming or going and its messy, but in japan, when a family break up, the father ussually dissappears to continue his life, and the wife automatically takes all responsibility for their children.
Not that its not hard, but, they can cope better, as i read in a japan related book anyway, "what with husbands working long hours to feed and house and clothe his family, japanese households are ussually de facto one parent affairs anyway."
Though mike wasnt subtle or gentle with what he said, he has a point, chances are your continued presence is going to be a more negetive impact then allowing the child to grow up with a single parent.
At the least you should restrict contact between you and your child+ex until you are more stabalised in japan, with your own place, and are making attempts at more commited relationships, perhaps women more around your age, if you indeed left her, she might still have feelings for you, and if thats the case, your hanging around wont be helping her move on either.
It might be okay for a lone 20 something gaijin, on holiday or something to come to japan and date around, but, in your situation, i would think being at home would be better.
So thats two choices i think you have to considor.
Return to your home country and move on with your life, or settle down in japan properly, give up the lifestyle thats really only suited for 20 something students, and make a life for yourself in japan.
anyway, as i said before, best of luck man, it seems an odd situation but i have faith that you mean your best and are trying to do the right thing.


Edit: Eminem is a rap singer, hes notorious for being everything but politically correct and lucky with relationships. he split with the mother of his daughter, suffice to say it musta been an ugly break-up because hes made at least one song ripping into her, also one for his mom and stuff....
 

sandoro

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nurizeko said:
If you want my honest honest, honest as the painful first bright light of day that burns your sleep filled eyes advice, i would say you should considor very seriously, returning to your own country, and settling down there.
I base this on several observations.
1. You are divorced from your wife, though you havnt specified why exactly you did say you were the one that left her, and it doesnt feel to me the kinda divorce that is somehow a mistake, it feels to me from what ive read that it was destined from the start.
2. your 42.
3. Ontop of that your going around dating 20 something japanese girls living with their parents.
4. Your taking your kid to see these girlfriends behind your wifes back, agree or not, if its so hard for her it would destroy her, either you should stop taking the kid or stop seeing the girl.
5. your living in gaijin houses, and i have yet to find out if you have a stable job there.
6. Its clear that this situation you are in has alot of emotional strings attached, very little for you out of it.
I feel all this considored, you should move home, what ive been taking into considoration has come from other threads you have also written, and it seems, you have no purpouse in japan, if there was any better example of a gaijin lost in japan who probably shouldnt be there, you would be my front runner...not saying that your a bad person or dont deserve to be in japan but i dunno, the outlook seems bleak, if you hadnt left your ex-wife, then you could continue to live in japan, and raise your child, but as it is, your a 42 year old bachalor with apparently to anchor apart from the faint whisper of some duty you owe to your son.
In japan children can grow up with a single mother much better then in the west, in the west the dads are comming or going and its messy, but in japan, when a family break up, the father ussually dissappears to continue his life, and the wife automatically takes all responsibility for their children.
Not that its not hard, but, they can cope better, as i read in a japan related book anyway, "what with husbands working long hours to feed and house and clothe his family, japanese households are ussually de facto one parent affairs anyway."
Though mike wasnt subtle or gentle with what he said, he has a point, chances are your continued presence is going to be a more negetive impact then allowing the child to grow up with a single parent.
At the least you should restrict contact between you and your child+ex until you are more stabalised in japan, with your own place, and are making attempts at more commited relationships, perhaps women more around your age, if you indeed left her, she might still have feelings for you, and if thats the case, your hanging around wont be helping her move on either.
It might be okay for a lone 20 something gaijin, on holiday or something to come to japan and date around, but, in your situation, i would think being at home would be better.
So thats two choices i think you have to considor.
Return to your home country and move on with your life, or settle down in japan properly, give up the lifestyle thats really only suited for 20 something students, and make a life for yourself in japan.
anyway, as i said before, best of luck man, it seems an odd situation but i have faith that you mean your best and are trying to do the right thing.
Edit: Eminem is a rap singer, hes notorious for being everything but politically correct and lucky with relationships. he split with the mother of his daughter, suffice to say it musta been an ugly break-up because hes made at least one song ripping into her, also one for his mom and stuff....


in the west, in the west the dads are comming or going and its messy, but in japan, when a family break up, the father ussually dissappears to continue his life, and the wife automatically takes all responsibility for their children.

the above i would not agree totally, is also the otherway around.
also why in japan dad desappear, is because japan is one of the worst country to give custody to dads, very unfair, that is why dads desappear, they don't have choices.

let's goback to me.
i have a good job by the way, that is why i can look after financially my ex and the baby, i love my baby, and i have a good friendship with my ex.

now the girlfirends, i know is odd, but is the true, i either infactuated or in love whichever, i have these very strong feeling with them, and viceversa, they both are working, i don't want to push them into the marriage, even though one of them already asked me, but i still thinking about my own reality, rightly you said, i am 42, and their are 20's, which really does not have anything to do with the problem.

i know i am confused, but i am rational enough to think about my baby's future.

eventually i will have to make hard choices, i also know that, at the moment i have a spuse visa, i got it before the split up.

thank you very much for you advice, still something to think about on top of the others.

P.s. back to my country which is Uk london.
i owe a flat in there, and that is my ex too, i have also a british passport, so just to let you know, that i could go back whenever i wanted, but i love japan, my baby, and a good friendship with my ex, very very odd, unusual for you probably.
 

Kinsao

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I've been following this thread, but not made a comment before, because everyone else made sensible comments already and I don't really have anything to add.

Sandoro - I think you shouldn't feel pressure to make a decision yet. Give it a little time, and I think then, you will become to get a feeling about the right move. You say you have a good job. In that case, I advise what has already been said - get a place of your own, just a cheap flat to rent if you don't want to spend too much money, but you will feel much better with consistently a roof over your head. Also, you'll have more freedom, a place to take your girlfriends and such.

If you love your son, I don't see why you should have to go away and not see him any more. After all, you are his real father. It's natural for you to love him. And there may well come a time when a pull in a different direction over-rides your wish to be near him. You'll know yourself when that time is right.

But, if as you say you have a good friendship with your ex, I very much think that you should tell her that you're seeing other girls. If that would upset her too much because of her past relationship with you, think to yourself, how much of a good friend is she, in that case? If she truly wants to be your friend, she would want you to be happy. For example, I would of course be very hurt that someone leaves me for other women, especially if I have their child - but I hope to be mature enough that I don't become bitter and to 'hate' them, neither to let them destroy my life. I would want their happiness and hope not to let them destroy mine. I hope that your ex can become to feel like that - even though it's very difficult.

So you should be honest with her, as she is your friend. You can't hide such important things from a real friend.

If you love Japan and your child, it sounds as though you in your own heart know already the answer; that you should stay there - at least for a while. You can always change your mind later if circumstances change.

For the title question, I would say a resounding "NO!"
That is my instinctive thought.
People have already said what there is to say on that subject. AllMakesCombined said well "there is probably a reason why she became your ex in the first place". That makes sense to me.

It seems to me that you know this. But you want the best thing for your child. Give it some more time, and be honest, be yourself - and get that flat! :p
 

Mike Cash

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A re-marriage to your ex without telling her that you have no feelings for her and are going into it with the full intention of keeping on banging your honey on the side is a marriage built on a foundation of disrespect, dishonesty, and deceit. At best it would be a farce, at worst it would be a tragedy.

How you can fail to see this is beyond my ability to comprehend.

And you already know why it is wrong to be taking your kid around to meet your honey without your wife's knowledge, as is evidenced by your observation that telling her would destroy her.
 
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