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Short, simple sentence: too many particles?

RJMang

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For the simple question: Can I leave my bicycle here?
I think I would say: わたしの じてんしゃわ ここの おきますか Is this correct?
That seems like a lot of particles in a short sentence. Is there a better way of asking this?
 

Toritoribe

松葉解禁
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ここで自転車(じてんしゃ)を預(あず)かってもらうことはできますか。
ここに自転車預けてもいいですか。
自転車預かってもらってもいいですか。
自転車預かってもらえませんか。
etc., etc...
 
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