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She wants to come with me!!

goldie

後輩
22 Apr 2005
5
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Hi, Im Ryan. Other than my intro, this is my first post.

Im looking for some insight on a dilemma that has evolved in my life regarding a Japanese woman I've been seeing over the last few months.

For the last year or so it has been my intention to return to Canada to resume my career. In January of this year I met a woman who also had plans to move just three weeks after our first meeting. We started dating regardless of the short time we would have together both understanding that it would all come to an end very shortly. February came and she moved. I went to see her once in Feb. and she came to see me once in March. In April, after I finished my contract at work, I went to live with her for two weeks while I waited to go do a little traveling. As the end of the two weeks drew near, she expressed that she wanted to come back to Canada with me! We've really only spent a total of five and a half weeks together and our relationship was never a serious one (meaning we never shared deep thoughts and feelings and there was no effort by either of us to further develop the relationship). I was really taken by surprise by her comment as I had no idea she felt so deeply for me.

My dilemma is that I don't love her but she has obviously developed a keen fondess for me. I have to do the right thing and have a very painful conversation. If anyone can has some insight on how I make this conversation a little less heartbreaking for her I'd really appreciate it.
 
Simple. Explain what you just said. That you don't know each other well enough to do something like that.
 
You burned your bumm..now you have to suffer the consequences 😌 I'm sure she'll understand if you tell her that you don't love her.
 
It may be sort of difficult to tell her that you don't feel the same way, but you'll have to. You can't feel guilty for not being in love with someone you barely know! And what if she just wants an easy way to get to North America? I don't think I would want to feel used like that. If you don't know her very well, that could be her exact intentions.
 
A relationship is the one time when I think you're obligated to tell the other person what you're feeling (within reason).
 
be honest. but not brutaly honest. tell her you like her, but that is not same as love. i guess she got idea that you want her for some long term relationship. maybe it is just her imagination, but maybe you actually (and acidentally) gave her reasons to believe that.

anyway, good luck. it is, hmmm, nice that you care a lot to not hurt (too much) her feelings. tell her that. and tell (explain) her what your relationship meant for you.

and dont say all those things people usualy say, like 'it not about you, it is me...'' and other stuff -cliches, and phrases

:haihai:
 
You moved in with her, guy. What the hell kind of message did you suppose she was going to take from that?
 
Exactly...you chose to live with her for those two weeks...don't you think that implied (to her) that something more serious was happening?

One other question (obviously you don't have to answer)...Did you have sex with her?
 
I share my opinion with mikecash.

Man, sorry, but I don't think there is a way to tell her that you don't love her without hurting her feelings. You say two of you never really exchanged deep thoughts, so how did you know that she wasn't serious about the relationship?
 
Brooker said:
A relationship is the one time when I think you're obligated to tell the other person what you're feeling (within reason).

Brooker said it, a relationship is when you need to be brutally honest.

Mike cash also hit the nail on the head. rule number 1 of moving in with someone, if your not serious don't do it.

I don't think I can add much more to what everyone else has said because it is simple decision (yet a hard one lol). Though I will say this, try to come up with the sweetest, nicest possible way of saying things because she will hate you alot less because you took the time and effort to try and break it to her in a nice way.
 
Hey. I felt comfortable going to stay with her for a couple weeks because we mutually recognized and verbally acknowledeged that whatever kind of relationship we developed, it would end when I left Japan. I realize that matters of the heart are not that simple and it is obvious that she has developed greater feelings for me. Don't get me wrong, I really like her too but not enough to justify her moving overseas with me!
Our relationship was purely sexual for the first three weeks but after she moved we kept in touch occasionally via email.

I realize that I messed up here. I blame myself. Im not a player, Im a sincere, likeable, nice guy. Therein lies the culprit. I wasn't able to just have sex with her and then abandon her. It is my nature to nurture and therefore I didn't ignore her or push her away. We are both mature adults and when we began the relationship we consented to end it when the time came. Now her feelings have evolved but mine have not. I guess Im just looking for a little motivation with a hint of advice.
 
You're both "mature adults"? How can that be when there is at least one self-centered immature <expletive deleted> in the equation?
 
From my experience, girls take sex much more seriously than men do. And when I say seriously, I mean that it is an emotional attachment to you in a girl's mind. When you had sex with her, did she say in the beginning, "Okay cool, yeah let's just have sex" or was she under the impression that there was going to be more than that to it? I think it was a bad idea to try this "no string attached" relationship in another country. I don't know enough about Japan to know how women from there percieve these sort of relationships. But how fair is it for you to have sex with her and move in with her and just expect her to want to be only your friend? I think you have an ENORMOUS amount of apologizing to do....
 
"Hey. I felt comfortable going to stay with her for a couple weeks because we mutually recognized and verbally acknowledeged that whatever kind of relationship we developed, it would end when I left Japan."
"You're both "mature adults"? How can that be when there is at least one self-centered immature"
ditto
"But how fair is it for you to have sex with her and move in with her and just expect her to want to be only your friend? I think you have an ENORMOUS amount of apologizing to do...."
double ditto
 
goldie said:
I guess Im just looking for a little motivation with a hint of advice.


sounds like you already have the motivation...You want the hell out of the relationship! But remember, that is what it is...A RELATIONSHIP. There is no easy way out or any magic words that you can say to her. Just sit her down and talk about it and explain how you feel and what it is that you want. Don't try to BS her, most women can see right through it!
 
budd said:
"Hey. I felt comfortable going to stay with her for a couple weeks because we mutually recognized and verbally acknowledeged that whatever kind of relationship we developed, it would end when I left Japan."
"You're both "mature adults"? How can that be when there is at least one self-centered immature"
ditto
"But how fair is it for you to have sex with her and move in with her and just expect her to want to be only your friend? I think you have an ENORMOUS amount of apologizing to do...."
double ditto

Your quotes suck! j/k :p

Ditto on the rest. Or wait til she goes somewhere and High tail it out of town. again i kid i kid.
Seriously Just talk to her see where her head is at. Honestly I would think the worse thing that could happen is she hates you for life. Not like you wouldn't see that coming though. I kid i kid.
 
budd said:
"Hey. I felt comfortable going to stay with her for a couple weeks because we mutually recognized and verbally acknowledeged that whatever kind of relationship we developed, it would end when I left Japan."
"You're both "mature adults"? How can that be when there is at least one self-centered immature"
ditto
"But how fair is it for you to have sex with her and move in with her and just expect her to want to be only your friend? I think you have an ENORMOUS amount of apologizing to do...."
double ditto

Can I triple ditto??? lol

I think the only thing you can do is apologise now. Yes lots of apologising and this could mean material things as well (flowers etc..). I know this may sound really girly of me but I agree, if I was having sex with a girl I know there would be an emotional attachment there for me, I would completely understand where this girl is coming from, I mean she was probably expecting to date you for a few weeks, but she may not havve been expecting to start a sexual relationship with you, therefore the attachment.
 
I have to disagree with the sex part just for the fact that they "claim" they already committed to having a sexual only relationship but you can't help how you feel. she probably enjoyed his company more than he did her so she became attatched. either way. Let me know what size shovel to send you cause your in deep ****!
 
mikecash stop trolling dude, as he explained, they both agreed to a casual, temporary relationship, its not his fault she developed feelings, since we live in a world where people are responsible for their own actions and opinions.

also, its equally not his fault he doesnt love her, it happens, you cant force yourself to love someone anymore then you can change the star's in the sky.

the fact he doesnt want to hurt her feelings is proof enough to me he's a decent guy.


as for advice, its not going to be easy dude, either way, dont buy her a present, it wont change a thing, just sit her down, and in a gentle tone, explain to her as carefully as possible what you've told us, that you both agreed it was short term and that your sorry you cant return the feelings, tell her she is still considored a good friend and that you enjoyed the time together, but that you dont have romantic feelings, let her speak her thoughts and feelings if she wants to, then say your goodbyes and leave, dont get stuck in a long debate.

she will feel hurt if she has feelings for you, and there's nothing to do to really stop her hurting, but someday, when she's over it, she will thank you to herself for being the gentlemen you were, i split with an ex girlfriend years ago and were still friends today, and our friendship is even better because we shared a relationship, and managed to see past the short term hurt of a break-up.

of course maybe its a rare oddity, since i dont really see her any different then a male best friend, some folk just cant help mixing up the past, old flame, and sexuality of different genders to let a proper friendship grow but it happens sometimes.
 
I'm late to this thread, and all good ideas are here already. Pick the ones that makes most sense to you in one coherent chunk.

One thing I might add: Don't make it hard on her by making things pretty.

I'd rather avoid, "I like you but..." unless you truly want to say that. Just remember, it is going to make it more difficult for her if you say that without qualifying. Being agitated doesn't really help with "but..." qualifications.

The same goes with the flowers. You could end up torturing her even more. Eventually being as sincere and caring as you really are, but without all the effects; eventually your person has to be believeable. Wish you two the best.
 
Thanks

Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate your candor. Ill be sure to let you know how everything goes.

Ryan
 
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