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Sex Jokes


27 Aug 2003
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a couple of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." ~ Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." ~ George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." ~ Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." ~ Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it, so I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ~ Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." ~ Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ~ Barbara Bush (Former First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." ~ Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." ~ Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" ~ Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" ~ Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart

My fav. are the cynical Lynn Lavner, the poor-dumb-mother-basher Jack Nicholson, the realistic Woody Allen, but the best formulated and must-remember is Robin Wiliams's.

Couldn't get Schwarzzie's joke. :confused:
I had a friend who had a "thyroid" something , it made obese or... fat as you may say but maybe it was an obese woman wearing a "Guess" shirt.... haha
usually the it would go more like this: "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it, so I said, '300lbs?'"
That's good, Jeisan! :D But other responses to "Guess" could be "Anorexic?" or "Bulimic?" or "Sillicone??" (more likely in New York or Hollywood). :D
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These are great! I can borrow some mottos for my life from here. My favs quites are Jack Nicholson, Billy Crystal, Robert De Niro... oh what the heck! Almost all of them are wicked! :D
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