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Poetry

Lacota

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So, as a side project to my studies I am trying to write a poem in Japanese. I am trying to form it using everything I have learned so far. I am definitely struggling, but I am finding it quite rewarding. I thought I'd make this thread for any assistance. Starting with this sentence;

きいてを鳴
I am trying to say "listening to birdsong"
Does my attempt make sense?

Thankyou.
 

Mike Cash

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. No, because while you can invert phrasing in Japanese, the particles are still firmly attached to the preceding word and must follow it. So you could have, 聞いて、鳥を but never 聞いてを鳥
 

Lacota

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. No, because while you can invert phrasing in Japanese, the particles are still firmly attached to the preceding word and must follow it. So you could have, 聞いて、鳥を but never 聞いてを鳥
OK. Thankyou, Mike. I must admit I am probably out of my depth with this kind of literature.
 

Mike Cash

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OK. Thankyou, Mike. I must admit I am probably out of my depth with this kind of literature.

No more than I would be. Without rhyming, I have no way of distinguishing poetry from prose. With the exceptions of haiku and tanka, when somebody tells me some bit of Japanese is a poem my reaction is always, "How the hell can you tell?!?!"
 

Lacota

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No more than I would be. Without rhyming, I have no way of distinguishing poetry from prose. With the exceptions of haiku and tanka, when somebody tells me some bit of Japanese is a poem my reaction is always, "How the hell can you tell?!?!"
I guess it is similar in English, unless you can pick out poetic device it can a fine line between poetry and prose. Unless of course form is used. I'll keep going with it.
 

Lacota

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Struggling with the line 'Please follow under winter skies'.
冬空の下でついて来てください
Do I have the particle right? Or have I got this completely wrong?
 

Toritoribe

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ついて来て clearly states "follow me" even if you didn't mention it previously. I asked because it's unclear just from the English sentence (it can mean "Please follow someone/something", for instance).
You can omit で especially when you want to give a poetic effect.
 

Lacota

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ついて来て clearly states "follow me" even if you didn't mention it previously. I asked because it's unclear just from the English sentence (it can mean "Please follow someone/something", for instance).
You can omit で especially when you want to give a poetic effect.
Ah, OK. That makes sense. Thanks for your help.
 

Lacota

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そしてそのながい道を歩いて
And walking that long road.

Have I done OK here?
 

Toritoribe

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I can't judge since I don't know the context. It totally depends on the relation between that clause and the preceding/following clause/phrase whether the -te form is appropriate or not.
 

Lacota

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I can't judge since I don't know the context. It totally depends on the relation between that clause and the preceding/following clause/phrase whether the -te form is appropriate or not.

The line before is きいて,鳴を as amended kindly by Mr. Cash.

I am writing line by line, I forget to make sure it is grammatically correct with previous context. I might have to seriously go over the whole piece.....
 

Toritoribe

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Notice that what Mike-san wrote is きいて、を, not きいて、を. The single kanji 鳴 can't mean "birdsong" at least when without any okurigana. (And even with right okurigana, it doesn't imply "bird".)
 

Lacota

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Notice that what Mike-san wrote is きいて、を, not きいて、を. The single kanji 鳴 can't mean "birdsong" at least when without any okurigana.
The Kanji is so similiar I didn't even realise! Sorry about that. Learning 鳴 as birdsong on its own has confused the learning process there. I'll be sure to use it in the right context.
 

Lacota

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So this is what I have so far. It is unfinished. Opinions are welcome. I think punctuation is lacking.
フィオーナさん、
私のそよ風
冬空の下 で ついて 来てください
きれいな桜の下
きいて、鳥を
そしてそのながい道を歩いて。
 

Toritoribe

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There is no problem if that's your intention.:)
I wouldn't use the -te form since it can be interpreted as a request. How about this?
冬空の下 ついて 来てください
きれいな桜の下を
鳥の歌を聴きながら
ながい道を歩いて
 

Lacota

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There is no problem if that's your intention.:)
I wouldn't use the -te form since it can be interpreted as a request. How about this?
冬空の下 ついて 来てください
きれいな桜の下を
鳥の歌を聴きながら
ながい道を歩いて
Thank you so much for your suggestion. I will be carrying the poem forward, so I shall keep that in mind to see if it will fit with the rest of the piece. I'll post again when I have worked on it some more. Thanks for your support also. It is appreciated.
 
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