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Please correct my diary

keikei000

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would you correct this?☟
"It is raining hard today. A typhoon is approaching. On last weekend it was also raining because of the typhoon, and even in Japan which has a lot of typhoon every year, such a weather is unusual.
So, this morning I found a marvelous band on Youtube. It is "The monkees". First I found their music video on Youtube in which they were playing "Daydream Believer", and I fall in love with them at once. I like the Japanese version of this song, but the original version is also good. So today I've been listening to their songs for most of the day. Their songs are particularly good when I'm studying, because English lyrics doesn't disturb me very much, unlike the Japanese ones.
Now I'm writing this taking a bath, and I found that I can use English more fluently when I'm taking a bath than when sitting in front of my desk..."
 

Julie.chan

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Sure. Words marked in red are corrections for parts that are incorrect. words marked in orange are revisions of unusual word choices (and hence not necessary, just suggested to make it sound more natural).

It is raining hard today. A typhoon is approaching. It was also raining last weekend[1] because of the typhoon;[1] and even in Japan, which has a lot of typhoons every year, such weather is unusual.

This[2] morning, I found a marvelous band on YouTube[3] called "The monkees". I first found their music video on YouTube in which they were playing "Daydream Believer", and I fell in love with them at once.[4] I like the Japanese version of this song, but the original version is also good. I've been listening to their music for most of the day. Their songs are particularly useful when I'm studying because English lyrics don't disturb me very much, unlike Japanese lyrics.[5]

I'm writing this while taking a bath. I found that I can use English more fluently when I'm taking a bath than when sitting in front of my desk.[6]
Some notes:

[1] This is pretty advanced grammar and not many people use it. A more simple version is to split it into two sentences: "...because of the typhooon. Even in Japan..."

[2] Starting a sentence with "so" like that is common in informal spoken English, but it's not acceptable in written English. In writing, use paragraph separation to indicate that you are switching topics.

[3] Not terribly important, which is why I didn't mark it in red, but the official capitalization is "YouTube", not "Youtube". When it comes to trademarks and other such names, sticking to the official capitalization is usually preferred.

[4] Not a mistake, but note that the expression "to fall in love" typically refers to romantic interest. You can use it metaphorically here, but only because it's a group rather than a single person. If it were a single person, this would mean that you are romantically interested in that person, not that you like their music. You can avoid such errors by explicitly saying that you fell in love with their music, since that makes it obvious that the expression is metaphorical.

[5] Repeating the word "lyrics" makes it clear that that's what you're talking about here, as opposed to songs.

[6] Using an ellipsis like that is bad form. It suggests that you are trailing off without completing the sentence. I would also note that if you are suggesting incompleteness of an idea with a complete sentence, you would add a period before the ellipses (so, four periods in total) to show that the sentence is complete. However, in this case, you want to end with just a period, not an ellipsis.

[7] I changed the line separation to use the two-line paragraph separation method. The other method you can use is to indent every paragraph. However, you do need to use one of these methods; if there is no indentation and no extra space, you can't tell easily that there is a paragraph separation. Indentation is preferred on paper, while double-spacing as shown above is more common on the Internet and in computer documents (for various technical reasons).
 

keikei000

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Sure. Words marked in red are corrections for parts that are incorrect. words marked in orange are revisions of unusual word choices (and hence not necessary, just suggested to make it sound more natural).



Some notes:

[1] This is pretty advanced grammar and not many people use it. A more simple version is to split it into two sentences: "...because of the typhooon. Even in Japan..."

[2] Starting a sentence with "so" like that is common in informal spoken English, but it's not acceptable in written English. In writing, use paragraph separation to indicate that you are switching topics.

[3] Not terribly important, which is why I didn't mark it in red, but the official capitalization is "YouTube", not "Youtube". When it comes to trademarks and other such names, sticking to the official capitalization is usually preferred.

[4] Not a mistake, but note that the expression "to fall in love" typically refers to romantic interest. You can use it metaphorically here, but only because it's a group rather than a single person. If it were a single person, this would mean that you are romantically interested in that person, not that you like their music. You can avoid such errors by explicitly saying that you fell in love with their music, since that makes it obvious that the expression is metaphorical.

[5] Repeating the word "lyrics" makes it clear that that's what you're talking about here, as opposed to songs.

[6] Using an ellipsis like that is bad form. It suggests that you are trailing off without completing the sentence. I would also note that if you are suggesting incompleteness of an idea with a complete sentence, you would add a period before the ellipses (so, four periods in total) to show that the sentence is complete. However, in this case, you want to end with just a period, not an ellipsis.

[7] I changed the line separation to use the two-line paragraph separation method. The other method you can use is to indent every paragraph. However, you do need to use one of these methods; if there is no indentation and no extra space, you can't tell easily that there is a paragraph separation. Indentation is preferred on paper, while double-spacing as shown above is more common on the Internet and in computer documents (for various technical reasons).
thanks a lot!
 
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