penfriend experiences

[maji]

For a while, I noticed that it's somehow really hard to get something like a friendship over snail mail/email with someone from japan.
It seems to be the more difficult, the younger the person is you have contact with.
Like, I have the most frequent email contact with a Japanese mother (no idea about the age), and it's really nice to read and write emails to/from her. But somehow, the younger persons you get to know that way, the higher the chance that, for example, they stop mailing.
Or that you mail for a long time, but for some reason, everything stays that surficial that you have the feeling of ever writing a stranger or even a machine because you cant relate to the person.
or maybe it's just me that I'm easier with people who are older than me? I don't know.
anyone else made such experiences?

 

[kirei_na_me]

You're not alone, maji. I've had similar experiences. Some just stop writing. I have told my husband about this and he'll say, "well, that's the way they are", or something like that. I don't know why that happens. Maybe it's the language barrier? I don't know. Some of my American or European penpals/online friends/whatever always keep in touch. Even if they get busy or I get busy and can't write for awhile, we will still get in touch if it's 2 weeks, 1 month, or 6 months later.

My closest Japanese friend(girl) and I had a conversation about Japanese and relationships once. We were talking about why they didn't express affection and emotion much and why they didn't say "I love you", and I asked her how could you tell if someone really liked or loved you, then, and she said "because they stay with you". She meant that if someone keeps in touch with you or stays with you for a long time, that's how you know they really care about you and are happy with you. Not that this really has anything to do with the penfriend thing, but I just thought that was interesting...

 

[maji]

I had that one thing too.
I've friends online. At times, they just don't have the time because they have lots to do, and we don't mail or chat for a few weeks or even a month. Then we send only a short email or message if still, everything is ok.
But it doesn't hurt the friendship. Not talking for a while. It hurts the friendship far more if people feel forces to email/chat with one because one didn't do so for quite a while.
It only works well if you know the other person, I guess—otherwise, it's too easy to forget.

 

[Elizabeth]

I don't know how to explain it exactly, I just can't begin to imagine having met any of my closest Japanese friends over the years online. I suppose since they value one on one personal expressiveness, attention and care so highly the difference between in person vs. letters would be almost too bizarre to contemplate. As well the young people there are extremely superficial and machine-like from a distance. Besides of course Japanese not studying abroad tend not to be overly intrigued with foreign cultures and may give up, esp. before they don't know you well, if they feel the other person doesn't have a lot of time and is being forced into staying in touch. Perhaps they feel they are asking an unreasonable favor of you in that case.

I had some penpals as a child from Australia and Austria that seemed to work for a couple of years, but haven't tried anything since so sorry can't give any better suggestions. If you were able to come in contact through mutual interests certainly that would boost your chances more than anything.

Knm is right as well, though, about the bond of caring that seems to so easily flower and flourish in the absence of any formal bonds. Japanese friends can be the source of the most incredibly profound and rewarding experiences as long as you can hold off letting yourself get tied down (in obligation) to anyone in particular .

 

[budd]

"She meant that if someone keeps in touch with you or stays with you for a long time, that's how you know they really care about you and are happy with you. Not that this really has anything to do with the penfriend thing, but I just thought that was interesting..."
nope, i needed to hear that, thanks!
"it seems to be the more difficult the younger the person is you have contact to."
yes, but isn't that in all cultures?
"anyone else made such experiences?"
what is the main language being spoken?
japanese? english? or romaji?
english is hard to learn, and i have NOT MET ONE Native Japanese person who hasn't expressed some insecurity about using English -- even those who have spent YEARS in America...

 

[kirei_na_me]

Originally posted by budd
"She meant that if someone keeps in touch with you or stays with you for a long time, that's how you know they really care about you and are happy with you. Not that this really has anything to do with the penfriend thing, but I just thought that was interesting..."
nope, i needed to hear that, thanks!

Glad that helped you, budd! In general, I believe that's true of most Japanese people. They show their love by being loyal. If a Japanese person continues to want to be with you or contact you, that means they truly care.

And you're right about their English speaking insecurities. My husband has been here for 8 years, and to this day,if he is put in the position of talking with a native English speaker he doesn't know by phone, he will panic and will hand me the phone and if he needs to call someone, he usually gets me to do it.

 

[neko_girl22]

Originally posted by kirei_na_me
talking with a native English speaker he doesn't know by phone, he will panic and will hand me the phone and if he needs to call someone, he usually gets me to do it.

my husband doesn't the phone too. Speaking in another language on the phone is soo much more difficult than in person I think. I don't like using Japanese on the phone as well. I really need to see their face! Plus, on the phone you can't really pause for time to think of the right words.
I tend to get flustered on the phone when I have to speak Japanese, so I've a notebook besides the phone with some things I should say if there's an emergency