One Line Answers

[Satori]

One line answers

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Caught

The policeman got out of his car, and the kid he had stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way--without a ticket.

Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb
and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you
in, sir. You're obviously drunk." The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya
absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper, "let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief! I thought I was a cripple."

Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 a.m?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a
lecture," the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"
the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

 

[jeisan]

im gonna have to try that "well i got here as fast as i could" one

 

[neptunemoon]

yea thats a good one

 

[Satori]

im gonna have to try that "well i got here as fast as i could" one

Jeisan, maybe you'd want to try the following a well!

Satori
___________________________

Speeding ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

 

[mad pierrot]

You Might be a STAR WARS Geek if.......

When you get pulled over for speeding and the cop asks for your license you wave your hand and say...

"You don't need to see my identification....

 

[mad pierrot]

"These aren't the droids your looking for."

 

[Satori]

I always like what Steven Wright, the comedian, had to say on the subject. He said he had his driver's license taken out of focus on purpose, so that when the cops pulled him over, they'd have a hard time trying to look at it and say, in a confused way, "Here ... you can go..."

 

[Golgo_13]

Science Jokes -- Very clean


Did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting on the Moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

So two atoms bumped into each other the other day. "I think I've lost an electron!" says one.
"Are you sure?" replies the other. "I'm positive!"

 

[Satori]

Great food, no atmosphere.

 

[Golgo_13]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "For you . . . no charge!"
-----------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------
The cable station ESPN-2 has just negotiated the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships live from Tokyo.

Sadly, it's only available on Paper View.
-----------------
A martial arts joke:

I got beat up by a Tai Chi expert.
It took him 30 minutes and I got hit twice.


That's about all the clean jokes I have for now.

 

[Satori]

I got beat up by a Tai Chi expert.
It took him 30 minutes and I got hit twice.

Having practiced Tai Chi since 1978, I can really appreciate that one!

That's about all the clean jokes I have for now.

I know what you mean. I had more, but they weren't, shall we say, "appropriate" for a public forum!

 

[Golgo_13]

Then I'll send you some through a private message!

 

[Porl]

Originally posted by mad pierrot
You Might be a STAR WARS Geek if.......

When you get pulled over for speeding and the cop asks for your license you wave your hand and say...

"You don't need to see my identification....

I nealy spat out the chocolate bar i was eating..then consiquently nearly choked on it!!!!

Porl''

 

[Golgo_13]

More Jokes

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
------------------------------------

POLISH SAUSAGE
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
-----------------------------------

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging
out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice........"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
----------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you."
---------------------
A successful husband is one who earns more money than his wife can spend.
A successful wife is one who can find such a husband.
---------------------
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?

God said to man --- So that you will love them.

Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?

God said to man --- So that they will love you!

 

[Golgo_13]

A man escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years... As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns,but instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years." "I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you...just give him satisfaction." "This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear..." "He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey....I love you too."

 

[Satori]

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking you pervert?

 

[Satori]

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experiance."

 

[Golgo_13]

Bear Life

I want to be a Bear In my next life.....
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six
months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who
are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping
and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you
mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line,
you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to
wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will
have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... Gonna be a bear.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate
your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish,
swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny
box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

 

[Satori]

Once upon a time, there was a female
brain cell which, by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was
all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...
but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel
alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...

"Hello - we're all down here...."

 

[Porl]

Originally posted by Golgo_13
... But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

HAHAHA!!!!!

Porl''