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Need some help with my Japanese composition.

Singeaninja

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Hello,

I have a Japanese composition (in a beginner course) i have to write but i seem to be having trouble. I have been keeping up with the weekly classes but its been overwhelming with my other units. I didn't mean to leave it so late but since i have i need find someone to help me! I'm mainly having trouble remembering to put particles (to, de, o ) and general sentence structure e.g i don't want to keep repeating 'watashi ha'

If you know how to write in Japanese please help!
 

Mike Cash

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When is it due and what do you have so far? We'll help you do it, but we won't do the assignment for you.
 

Singeaninja

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When is it due and what do you have so far? We'll help you do it, but we won't do the assignment for you.

This week! Of course. Whats the point of learning if i don't actually learn xd.
I decided to do a self intro and although i haven't started the actual writing, i've already made a plan on what i want to write. I'm just going through my textbooks to figure out the most fluent way to put my english statements in Japanese. I'm thinking to being with something like

Konnichiha, watashi no namae wa * *. Shidonii daigaku no gakusee desu. I don't want to use watashi again to describe my age, is it correct to begin the next sentence with 'soshite kotoshi' 21 sai desu.
 

Toritoribe

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It's OK just to connect those two sentences with "de";
Shidonii daigaku no gakusei de, 21 sai desu.
 

Singeaninja

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It's OK just to connect those two sentences with "de";
Shidonii daigaku no gakusei de, 21 sai desu.

Oh! thanks. I just went over that in my books too! haha!
So this is correct? ;
Nishi shidonii daigaku no gakusee de, 21 sai desu. Tanjoubi wa 1gatsu nijusan nichi desu. Watashi wa maishuu kinyoubi to nichiyoubi mo 9 ji kara 1ji made supa de hatarakimasu.

I want the next line to be about my hobbies so im thinking of writing 'boku no shumi wa because i dont want to keep repeating 'watashi'. Is boku ok to use here or is there another way to introduce my hobbies whilst omitting both boku and watashi?
 

Toritoribe

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daigakusei, not daigakusee
To mix wahashi and boku are odd.
You don't need to say "watashi wa" or "watashi no" since it's obvious that you are talking about yourself.

Nishi shidonii daigaku no gakusei de, 21 sai desu. Tanjoubi wa 1gatsu nijuusan nichi desu. Maishuu kin'youbi to nichiyoubi no 9 ji kara 1ji made suupaa de hataraite imasu.
Shumi wa,,,
 

Singeaninja

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daigakusei, not daigakusee
To mix wahashi and boku are odd.
You don't need to say "watashi wa" or "watashi no" since it's obvious that you are talking about yourself.

Nishi shidonii daigaku no gakusei de, 21 sai desu. Tanjoubi wa 1gatsu nijuusan nichi desu. Maishuu kin'youbi to nichiyoubi no 9 ji kara 1ji made suupaa de hataraite imasu.
Shumi wa,,,

I've written this much so far. What else should i add and how can i begin the next sentence?

Konnichi ha, watashi no namae wa neisan shingu desu. Nishi shidonii daigaku no gakusee de, 21 sai desu. Tanjoubi wa 1gatsu nijuusan nichi desu. Watashi wa maishuu kinyoubi to nichiyoubi no gogo 9 ji kara 1ji made suupaa de hatarakimasu . shumi ha anime to ryokou desu. Kyonen 11gatsu, watashi ha nihon ni ikimashita.
 

Toritoribe

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You need to reread my previous post. I already corrected your mistakes, but you repeated the same mistakes again.
You should pay more attention to the pronunciation of the particle "wa".
Can't you use hiragana/katakana?
 

Singeaninja

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You need to reread my previous post. I already corrected your mistakes, but you repeated the same mistakes again.
You should pay more attention to the pronunciation of the particle "wa".
Can't you use hiragana/katakana?

Sorry, i have corrected them in my writing on paper i just copied the previous post to write the romaji quicker! I used 'hatarakimasu' as our tutor said we cant use the 'te' form.

If you prefer i can reply with my writing in hiragana. It was just quicker for me to type in romaji haha!

Ok. Is this correct so far?

こんにちは,わたしのなまえはねいさんしんぐです.にししどにいだいがくのがくせいで, 21さいです.たんじょうびは 1がつにじゅうさんにちです. わたしはまいしゅうきにょうびとにちようびのごご9じから1じまでスーパーではたらきます. しゅみはあにめとりょこうです.きょねん11がつ, わたしはひこうきでにほんのとうきょうにきました.それからでんしゃでおおさかときょうといきました.かぞくはははとちちとおとうとです. ははとちちわ * *からきましたでもわたしとおとうともおおすとらりあじんです.
 

Toritoribe

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こんにちは、わたしのなまえはネイサン・シングです。にしシドニだいがくのがくせいで、21さいです。たんじょうびは、1がつにじゅうさんにちです。わたしはまいしゅうきんようびとにちようびのごご9じからごぜん1じまでスーパーではたらきます。しゅみはアニメとりょこうです。きょねん11がつ、わたしはひこうきでにほんのとうきょうにきました。それからでんしゃでおおさかときょうといきました。かぞくはははとちちとおとうとです。ははとちち * *からきました。でもわたしとおとうとストラリアじんです。
 

Singeaninja

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こんにちは、わたしのなまえはネイサン・シングです。にしシドニだいがくのがくせいで、21さいです。たんじょうびは、1がつにじゅうさんにちです。わたしはまいしゅうきんようびとにちようびのごご9じからごぜん1じまでスーパーではたらきます。しゅみはアニメとりょこうです。きょねん11がつ、わたしはひこうきでにほんのとうきょうにきました。それからでんしゃでおおさかときょうといきました。かぞくはははとちちとおとうとです。ははとちち * *からきました。でもわたしとおとうとストラリアじんです。

thanks for the proof read. I've changed the errors and added one final bit at the end.

I have to write another piece about 'my' daily schedule, it'd be nice if you could proof read that too :D

So far,

こんにちわ, わたし は ネイサン・シング です. まいあさ, げついよび と きん よび も 7じ に おきます. あさごはん はトーストを たべました, こうちゃ をのみました.

the full thing

こんにちは, わたしはネイサン・シングです. まいあさ, げつようびときにょうびもごぜん 7じにおきます. あさごはんはトーストをたべますそれもこうちゃをのみます. わたしは 10じにうちへいきます, 12じにだいがくへいきます. ジミーさんとべんきょうします. そしてジミーさんとわたしもひるごはんをたべます. 2じにだいがくにいきます, 3 じにうちにかえります. 4じにから 5じにまでうちでにほんごをべんきょうします. それから 5じから 6じまでテレビみます. 7じにばんごはんをたべます. 7じ 15ふんから 7じ 44ふんまでスーパーでくるまでスナックをかいます. ときどき 8じにジミーさんとわたしもにほんごをべんきょうします. それからジミーさんわ 9ひはんにうちへかえります. わたしは 10じにねます.
 

Toritoribe

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You repeated the same typos.
You seem to be misunderstanding the usage/meaning of the particle も. Refer to the difference between your original and my corrections in the previous posts.
わたしは10じにうちへいきます doesn't make sense in that context.
The structure time にから time にまで is wrong.
You misused some particles.

Try again.
 
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