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Need Quick Help Proof Reading a Manga Translation Project

pedroami

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Hello! I tried translating this manga for fun and practice but I have a feeling I may have a few mistakes from here to there. I substituted certain words with others to capture a more colloquial English style for this, but I was wondering if there was anything I was really off on. I feel a little so so on translations for pages 1, 10, and 12. Any advice or pointers would also be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

-pedroami

==========
271時間目・窮地!伝説の傭兵剣士
Period 271: Dilemna! Legendary Mercenary Soldier

Page 1:
ラカン: 俺がてめぇに 勝てねぇだと?
フェイト: そう…絶対にね
ラカン: ハッタリじゃね…つかこいつは前からハッタリとかいうキャラじゃなかった
フェイト: J・ラカン…あなたは本当に強い確かに千のお呪文の男に並ぶだろう…その「強さ」を「ホンモン」と言っていいのかそれとも ただのバグなのか僕にはわからないけれど…

Page 1:
Rakan: Looks like / I've beaten ya huh?
Fate: Yes... quite utterly, no?
Rakan: (Heh, no bluff... since the beginning this kind of guy wasn't the type to bluff)
Fate: You are truly strong Jack Rakan. There is no mistaking that you stand on par with the Thousand Master, is there? / Whether or not that fact of your strength has been well documented is something I cannot concur, however

Page 2
Text: 頂上対決、決着の時!!
フェイト:僕自身はあなたの力に敬意を表する・それが幻でも
ラカン:杖…鍵?切り札って訳か / さてどうす…

Page 2:
[Text: The final showdown! Moment of truth!]
Fate: I would like to express my admiration for your strength, it's god-like.
Rakan: (A staff... key? Some kind of trump card? Well... lets see...)

Page 3
ラカン: いや… / 詮索はいい / やるだけだ!!

Page 3:
Rakan: (Nah...) / (Curiosity's swell) / ( I'll just do it!)

Page 4
(Illustrations)

Page 4:
(Illustrations)

Page 5
(Illustrations)

Page 5:
(Illustrations)

Page 6:
ラカン:む?!

Page 6:
(Wha?!)

Page 7:
ラカン:何だこの違和感は?! / ぬんっ / こいつの効果か!! / これで子細工もなし! / シメだ!! フエト・アーウイルンクス!!

Page 7:
Rakan: (The hell - whats with this uneasy feeling?!) / Ugh! / (Is this comin' from an effect of his?!) / (This ought to stop it!) / *huge sfx* / (THIS IS IT!! FATE AVERRUNCUS!!)

Page 8-9:
ラカン:零距離・全開!!! / ラカン インパクト!!!
Girl1: そんなっ… フェイト様!
Girl2:フエイトさまぁんツ?!
Girl3: 何という力…
Girl4: フェイト…様

Page 8-9:
Rakan: (Point Blank Full Throttle!!! RAKAN IMPACT!)
Girl1 (pigtailed loli): That's-- Fate sama!!
Girl2 (cat ears): Fata Samaaa?!
Girl3 (violinist): What kind of power is this... *mutters something*
Girl4 (tan one): Fate...sama...

Page 10:
ラカン:悪いなぼーず / ライバルを奪っちまってよ / まあ… 拭き残しと戦り合うこともあるまい…?! / さっきのもそうだこれは何か別の... むかし...

Page 10:
Rakan: Too bad, huh, kid? / Looks like I annihilated ya... / Ah well... if I didn't all his left over parts might've all come back together. / ...?!

Page 11:
ラカン:ここは…
フェイト:ようこそ J・ラカン / コーヒーでもどうだい?
Girl: アツ アレ? ココどこ?
Girl: フェイト様っ! ふ服まで?
Girl: ラカン:てめぇ… / ファンタズマゴリアか?いや 違う この感覚は確かに…

Page 11:
Rakan: This is...
Fate: Welcome, Jack Rakan. How about some coffee or the sort?
Girl2: Wh - WHA? WHERE IS THIS?!
Girl1: Fate sama!
Girl3: Even... his clothes?
Rakan: You... / (This some sort of phantasmagoria? No... thats wrong. This feeling... its certainly...)

Page 12:
フェイト: その通りこれは幻じゃない / さっきの勝負も現実…この景色もホンモンだよ / いや… / より性格には / そもそもこの世界全てが幻なのだ / と 言い直せるもしれないけどね
ラカン: フェイト: 美しいばしょだね / この景色が戦火によってもう存在しないというのは残念だよ. この景色がなくなったのはそう…四十年前

Page 12:
Fate: That's correct, this is no illusion. / This is the reality from that victory from some time ago / But no... this entire world has been nothing but an illusion. to begin with. / if I may correct myself.
Jack: (He says all of this without a care as he's sipping some tea? / No, that's not it / Whats with this uneasy feeling... / There's something off about this place and the place from some time ago... / tsk- this guy has quite the skill...)
Fate: It's a beautiful area, is it not? / According to the war it was the scenery of no existence, of bad luck. / This scenery has been no more... for forty years.

Page 13:
フェイト: あなたが奴隷拳闘士としてデブューした年…
ラカン: まだ勝負の最中だ 人の過去を覗くのはあんまいい趣味じゃねぇな
Girl: !

Page 13:
Fate: As for you, it was the years of your debut as a prizefighting servant gladiator.
Rakan: We're still in the middle of our battle. Peeking into people's past isn't a very good hobby, eh, kid?
(Transition)
Girl2: !

Page 14:
Girl: !!??
Girl: あ…何?!これは…
Girl: あなたは「???」をつかいましたか?
Girl: つ使ってないよ?
ラカン:なん…だ コレは俺は確かに奴の肩に手をかけて…
ラカン:いつ服を着た?いつ座った?いつこのカップを手に取った?幻覚 記憶操作時間操作…
ラカン:その程度なら おれには わかる…そうじゃねえ / てめぇ… / この感覚… この感覚はやはり…
フェイト:何をしやがった… / 勝負は… 楽しかったよ / でも 僕には使命がある だから あなたが対抗出来ない 唯一絶対の力を使わせてもらった

Page 14:
Rakan: !!?
Girl1: Ah... what?! This is...
Girl3: ...did you use...
Girl2: I didn't use it?!
Rakan: (The... hell. This is... surely I had my hand on that guy's shoulder... / When did I suddenly wear this? When did I sit? When did I even take this cup in my hand?) / (To manipulate a hallucination to this degree in both time and one's memory... I don't get it...) / You... / (This sensation... this sensation is... after all...)
Fate: What's on your mind... the battle was... enthralling, yes? / But I have a mission, so therefore, you cannot be an opposition. / It is your sole power that we must absolutely use... and have

Page 15:
フェイト:世界の終わりと始まりの魔法 / リライト
ラカン:世界の…そいつぁ…!!
フェイト:あなたは僕を人形と呼んだけれど実の所ー あなたも人形なんだ悲しいけれどね

Page 15:
Fate: To destroy the world and begin a new one of magic. To rewrite.
Rakan: The end of the world... that's...!!
Fate: You may call me a puppet, but, the reality is... you too, are a sad and pitiful puppet...

Page 16:
フェイト:人形は人形師に逆らえない

Page 16:
Fate: And puppets cannot oppose, or defy, the puppet master...

Text(Katakana): Code of the Life Maker!
Text: Code of the Lifemaker!!

想像の域を超えた「絶対なる力」を舞えにラカンは…?!
"After crossing over this imaginary realm, will the absolute power of Rakan dance to it-?!"
 

Ashikaga

もちもちした食感
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The lines I thought needed corrections are in BLUE, while my suggestions for those lines are in RED.

==========
271時間目・窮地!伝説の傭兵剣士
Period 271: Dilemna! Legendary Mercenary Soldier

Page 1:
ラカン: 俺がてめぇに 勝てねぇだと?
フェイト: そう…絶対にね
ラカン: ハッタリじゃね…つかこいつは前からハッタリとかいうキャラじゃなかった
フェイト: J・ラカン…あなたは本当に強い確かに千のお呪文の男に並ぶだろう…その「強さ」を「ホンモン」と言っていいのかそれとも ただのバグなのか僕にはわからないけれど…

Page 1:
Rakan: Looks like / I've beaten ya huh?
What? You're telling me that I cannot defeat you?
Fate: Yes... quite utterly, no?
Rakan: (Heh, no bluff... since the beginning this kind of guy wasn't the type to bluff)
Fate: You are truly strong Jack Rakan. There is no mistaking that you stand on par with the Thousand Master, is there? / Whether or not that fact of your strength has been well documented is something I cannot concur, however
I cannot tell whether your strength is real (ホンモン/ホンモノ/ほんもの/本物) or just a "bug"(?), however.

Page 2
Text: 頂上対決、決着の時!!
フェイト:僕自身はあなたの力に敬意を表する・それが幻でも
ラカン:杖…鍵?切り札って訳か / さてどうす…

Page 2:
[Text: The final showdown! Moment of truth!]
Fate: I would like to express my admiration for your strength, it's god-like. Even if it's just an illusion.
Rakan: (A staff... key? Some kind of trump card? Well... lets see...)

Page 3
ラカン: いや… / 詮索はいい / やるだけだ!!

Page 3:
Rakan: (Nah...) / (Curiosity's swell) / ( I'll just do it!)
No time for asking questions.

Page 4
(Illustrations)

Page 4:
(Illustrations)

Page 5
(Illustrations)

Page 5:
(Illustrations)

Page 6:
ラカン:む?!

Page 6:
(Wha?!)

Page 7:
ラカン:何だこの違和感は?! / ぬんっ / こいつの効果か!! / これで子細工もなし! / シメだ!! フエト・アーウイルンクス!!

Page 7:
Rakan: (The hell - whats with this uneasy feeling?!) / Ugh! / (Is this comin' from an effect of his?!) / (This ought to stop it!) / *huge sfx* / (THIS IS IT!! FATE AVERRUNCUS!!)

Page 8-9:
ラカン:零距離・全開!!! / ラカン インパクト!!!
Girl1: そんなっ… フェイト様!
Girl2:フエイトさまぁんツ?!
Girl3: 何という力…
Girl4: フェイト…様

Page 8-9:
Rakan: (Point Blank Full Throttle!!! RAKAN IMPACT!)
Girl1 (pigtailed loli): That's-- Fate sama!!
Girl2 (cat ears): Fata Samaaa?!
Girl3 (violinist): What kind of power is this... *mutters
something*
What an amazing power...
Girl4 (tan one): Fate...sama...

Page 10:
ラカン:悪いなぼーず / ライバルを奪っちまってよ / まあ… 拭き残しと戦り合うこともあるまい…?! / さっきのもそうだこれは何か別の... むかし...

Page 10:
Rakan: Too bad, huh, kid? / Looks like I annihilated ya... / Ah well... if I didn't all his left over parts might've all come back together. / ...?!
Sorry, kid. Looks like I've taken away your rival.


Page 11:
ラカン:ここは…
フェイト:ようこそ J・ラカン / コーヒーでもどうだい?
Girl: アツ アレ? ココどこ?
Girl: フェイト様っ! ふ服まで?
Girl: ラカン:てめぇ… / ファンタズマゴリアか?いや 違う この感覚は確かに…

Page 11:
Rakan: This is...
Fate: Welcome, Jack Rakan. How about some coffee or the sort?
Girl2: Wh - WHA? WHERE IS THIS?!
Girl1: Fate sama!
Girl3: Even... his clothes?
Rakan: You... / (This some sort of phantasmagoria? No... thats wrong. This feeling... its certainly...)

Page 12:
フェイト: その通りこれは幻じゃない / さっきの勝負も現実…この景色もホンモンだよ / いや… / より性格には (正確には)/ そもそもこの世界全てが幻なのだ / と 言い直せるもしれないけどね
ラカン: フェイト: 美しいばしょだね / この景色が戦火によってもう存在しないというのは残念だよ. この景色がなくなったのはそう…四十年前

Page 12:
Fate: That's correct, this is no illusion. / This is the reality from that victory from some time ago / But no... this entire world has been nothing but an illusion. to begin with. / if I may correct myself.
The fight that's taken place just now was real as well.... so is this scenery. No, to be more precise (正確 not 性格), I suppose I could say that this entire world is an illusion.

Jack: (He says all of this without a care as he's sipping some tea? / No, that's not it / Whats with this uneasy feeling... / There's something off about this place and the place from some time ago... / tsk- this guy has quite the skill...) *this whole passage does not appear in the original text above*

Fate: It's a beautiful area, is it not? / According to the war it was the scenery of no existence, of bad luck. / This scenery has been no more... for forty years.
It is a shame that this scenery has been destroyed by the war and no longer exists. It happened (the scenery was lost).... yes, 40 years ago.

Page 13:
フェイト: あなたが奴隷拳闘士としてデブュー(デビュー)した年…
ラカン: まだ勝負の最中だ 人の過去を覗くのはあんまいい趣味じゃねぇな
Girl: !

Page 13:
Fate: As for you, it was the years of your debut as a prizefighting servant gladiator.
Rakan: We're still in the middle of our battle. Peeking into people's past isn't a very good hobby, eh, kid?
(Transition)
Girl2: !

Page 14:
Girl: !!??
Girl: あ…何?!これは…
Girl: あなたは「???」をつかいましたか?
Girl: つ使ってないよ?
ラカン:なん…だ コレは俺は確かに奴の肩に手をかけて…
ラカン:いつ服を着た?いつ座った?いつこのカップを手に取った?幻覚 記憶操作時間操作…
ラカン:その程度なら おれには わかる…そうじゃねえ / てめぇ… / この感覚… この感覚はやはり…
フェイト:何をしやがった… / 勝負は… 楽しかったよ / でも 僕には使命がある だから あなたが対抗出来ない 唯一絶対の力を使わせてもらった

Page 14:
Rakan: !!?
Girl1: Ah... what?! This is...
Girl3: ...did you use...
Girl2: I didn't use it?!
Rakan: (The... hell. This is... surely I had my hand on that guy's shoulder... / When did I suddenly wear this? When did I sit? When did I even take this cup in my hand?) / (To manipulate a hallucination to this degree in both time and one's memory... I don't get it...) / You... / (This sensation... this sensation is... after all...)
Fate: What's on your mind... the battle was... enthralling, yes? / But I have a mission, so therefore, you cannot be an opposition. / It is your sole power that we must absolutely use... and have
But I have a mission, so I have taken the liberty of using the (one and only) absolute power that you cannot fight against (oppose/deflect/win against).
Page 15:

フェイト:世界の終わりと始まりの魔法 / リライト
ラカン:世界の…そいつぁ…!!
フェイト:あなたは僕を人形と呼んだけれど実の所ー あなたも人形なんだ悲しいけれどね

Page 15:
Fate: To destroy the world and begin a new one of magic. To rewrite.
A magic that destroys and creates the world. REWRITE!
Rakan: The end of the world... that's...!!
Fate: You may call me a puppet, but, the reality is... you too, are a sad and pitiful puppet...
Sadly, so are you (a puppet).

Page 16:
フェイト:人形は人形師に逆らえない

Page 16:
Fate: And puppets cannot oppose, or defy, the puppet master...

Text(Katakana): Code of the Life Maker!
Text: Code of the Lifemaker!!

想像の域を超えた「絶対なる力」を舞えに(前に)ラカンは…?!
"After crossing over this imaginary realm, will the absolute power of Rakan dance to it-?!"
What will Rakan do, faced with/before the "ABSOLUTE POWER" that exceeds the realm of imagination!? 

There are some mistakes in the original Japanese text (which I have corrected), and I suspect there are more. I hope my suggestionsl help. Good luck!
 
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