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Help Need help with Japanese haiku!

Zekko

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Hello there

As title suggests, I need some help with my haiku. I'm pretty new to Japanese so I could use some help with it. I decided to make it to surprise someone special to me since they also love Japan and Japanese culture and I've alredy wrote it with help of multiple sites but I just wanted to know if, from grammatical perspective, it is any good. I know that there are some things missing (5th on in last line for example) but I just need a general opinion about "matching words" correctly.

優しい風
いい雛菊や
と貴方

gentle breeze
peaceful daisies
and you

Thank you in advance!
 

Majestic

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Hello Zekko,

You've got one extra syllable on the first line also

やさしいかぜ (6 syllables)
いいはなぎくや (7 syllables)
とあなた (4 syllables)

Grammatically, I think the と on the last line doesn't fit with the や on the end of the second line. Its like repeating the word "and".
Thematically, its best if the poem makes the reader imagine the setting, rather than just putting nice words together.
 

Toritoribe

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や is a sentence ending particle, so if と is put right after it, と is interpreted as a quotation particle, not a parallel marker "and". Thus, your haiku actually means;

優しい風
「いい雛菊や」と
貴方

Gentle breeze
"Nice daisies (in Kansai dialect)"
you said
 

joadbres

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The word そよ風 (そよかぜ) means "gentle breeze".
You could use that in the first line, together with や or と, to get 5 syllables.
Also, きみ is better than あなた in this context.
 
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