- 23 Sep 2005
- 1,275
- 73
- 58
Hi there everyone…
I'm having a major big dilemma right now, and I really do not know what the best course of action to take would be. So I will tell you the whole story and see if any of you guys can give me any input on what to do, since I really do not know what to do myself and I will appreciate any opinions and reasons you guys can give me.
Because the detail of this whole story is so long, long story short my fiance's best friend tried to persuade me to have sex with him, I didn't have sex with him or do anything else with him, I stayed 100% faithful to my fiance and my fiance knows this for a fact (because he happened to hear the conservation and stuff as it happened) and I told the whole story of what happened to my fiance.
However now I do not know whether to tell the girlfriend (who is a friend of mine) of my fiance's ex-best friend of what happened between us, she also has a child with this guy. My fiance is also having the same dilemma as well. Detail of what exactly happened below;
EDIT: The writing in normal size is the main stuff, the writing in small size is the detail of the story, which is optional if you want to read it or not.
(BTW, this is going to be a pretty long , in-depth and detailed post).… …
On Saturday night me and my fiancé went to a friends birthday party , this friend, who we shall call Jeff (not his real name) was a friend of mine but he was more of a close friend of my fiance, he was one of my fiance's best mates and they were very close friends, regularly meeting up to go out on their motor bikes etc. Even though my fiance see's Jeff a lot, i hadn't really seen Jeff in over a year however I was looking forward to going to his birthday party and catching up with him. It was Jeff's 27th birthday party.
The B-day party basically consisted of going down to Jeff's one and only local pub, it was a bit of an old people/family pub but there were many other people there for Jeff's party and we had a pretty good time overall, I met quite a few new people and it was quite pleasant even though Jeff had a lot of drinks with his brother and mates and was a bit rowdy etc.
Because me and my fiance were both intending on drinking alcohol that night, we arranged to stay the night at Jeff and his girlfriends house so we didn't have to drive back home with alcohol in us etc. Jeff and his girlfriend have a little girl of around 2 or 3years old together, Jeff arranged for his and his girlfriends parents to baby sit their little girl while we all had a good night out together.
After the pub had started to close up after many hours of us partying for the night and everyone else in the party crowd had left for him, me and my fiance and Jeff and his girlfriend all decided to head back to their place for the night.
Jeff was pretty drunk, when we all got back to his place and his parents left, we all stayed up for a little bit. Jeff does a lot of working out with weights and stuff, he insisted on me and my fiance trying out his weights (of course I was pretty rubbish since my arms are made out of squish not muscle lol). Jeff's girlfriend soon decided to call it a night, I had been pretty tired while at the pub in the last hour or so but I started to wake up again so I decided to stay up for a bit.
Not long after Jeff's girlfriend had hit the hay, my fiance decided to go to sleep on the sofa in the sitting/main room while me and Jeff stayed up together chatting away together.
And this is where it all started…
At first, me and Jeff just talked about general stuff, but after a little while he really started to pour out his heart to me about all kinds of serious personal stuff, which he said he had never talked to anyone else to about.
(continued in a mo)
(continued)
At first it was all pretty innocent but serious stuff- Jeff is a bin man and his girlfriend is a cleaner, I've known them for years and I have always known that they have been a pretty skint couple, never been able to bring in much money to support themselves and their child, but always trying to provide their best for their child together and never relying on government hand outs or anything like that. Jeff told me that despite his best efforts to bring in as much money as possible, he was spending over £200's more a month than what he was actually bring in and so was being unhappily resigned to a life of debt. I don't know if his girlfriend knows of his debts or not.
Jeff is a very proud man, its one of the reasons why currently he is refusing cash hand outs (which he is entitled to) from the government. He admitted to doing pretty poorly at school, his GCSE grades were all D's and E's or worse- he admitted that he really didn't try hard at school, preferring instead to concentrate on pulling girls and skiving off school and stuff etc. Due to not trying at school, he's also computer illiterate and he doesn't have the time to do stay at home educational courses, so basically due to not giving a damn about his education at school he's ended up unintentionally resigning himself to poorly or basically paid work.
Jeff told me that he got very depressed sometimes, even suicidal depressed at times, he showed me scars on his arms from his suicidal moments in the past- this did shock me, I never thought him to be the depressed type of guy.
Jeff and his girlfriend started going out together in their early teenage years, and even though they are both still pretty young , they've already been a whopping 13years together.
I know that there's no love between Jeff and his girlfriend though- he's admitted to this many a time to both me and my fiance in the past, and yet again, he told me this- he said that there hasn't been any love between him and his girlfriend for the last 5years of their 13 year relationship together. But he said that the main reason why they are together is because of their little girl that they have together.
Now I know that Jeff doesn't love his girlfriend, and she doesn't love him back, but I do know for sure that he loves his little girl 100% and that he will do anything for her.
He said some stuff though that I really did sympathize for him for- I knew/had assumed pretty early on that the main and only reason why Jeff and his girlfriend are still together is for the sake of their daughter. Jeff said he didn't want to be with his girlfriend, however he said that he knew that if he did leave his girlfriend, which we shall call Katy (not her real name), that she would most likely move on with her life and meet a new guy and go out with him instead. Jeff said his biggest fear in all of this would that his little girl would grow up to call this new guy her Daddy, and hearing this would destroy Jeff's heart (which I find quite understandable).
So Jeff has basically resigned himself to being in an unhappy relationship with his girlfriend Kate forever for the sake of his daughter. Apart from the father fear thing, I think he also just wants to be with Kate so their daughter can grow up with having both her original dad and mum in the house together.
I did really sympathize for Jeff with this but I couldn't give him any answers to his situation. But even though Kate doesn't love Jeff, I have seen her say numerous negative things towards Jeff that IMHO I would personally never say to anyone no matter how little I loved them- I still think you should have a basic amount of respect towards someone for the simple fact that they're still a human being, no matter how little you love them. I'm not saying that Jeff doesn't say or do unreasonable things towards Kate, but I have seen the behavior more from Kate than Jeff.
I mentioned all of this to Jeff and he really agreed with me- even though he is a proud macho guy, he admitted that some of Kate's comments towards him did hurt his feelings/damage his self-confidence/esteem. He had mentioned being bullied at work as well earlier on in the conversation too- he's a good looking guy however he isn't very tall (I would say he's maybe about 5ft 4-5" tall) and he is very insecure about his height, which the guys take the piss about him about, plus they also tease him for his surname (which is a girls name to say the least).
Jeff also mentioned that apart from the complete lack of love in his relationship with Kate, they also argue with each other every single day and their sex life is not good together, with him last having sex with her over 4months ago.
I talked about a lot of stuff with Jeff, I won't bore you with it all here though as I should really be getting to the stuff that turns this hole situation upside down .
…Jeff told me that he had never been able to talk to anyone about these things before, he said I was special and that he felt a real connection with me, he said he felt I was on the same wave length as him and that he could really open up to me. I took these compliments quietly in my stride, I felt good that he was able to talk to me about this sort of stuff, but over the hours of chatting I started to feel uncomfortable with him.
Despite his drunk state earlier on in the night (although this was now technically the early hours of the next day), he had certainly sobered up a great deal and he had been very serious while talking to me about all of this stuff. I shall make this clear right now that there was no doubt in my mind that what he started saying and doing next was not under the influence of alcohol, in fact I had never seen Jeff more serious and sober before in my life.
He told me that I was beautiful- now I wasn't taken aback by this when he said this before he has told me and my fiance that I am good looking and that my fiance is a lucky man etc, however this time when Jeff said this to me there was not the same playful feeling or tone in his words, he sounded like he was coming more from the heart.
He asked me how attractive I found him- now seriously, he is a good looking guy, but it was an awkward question to answer; if I told him that I didn't think he was good looking, it could crush his self esteem- throughout the night already he had been grudgingly talking to me about how he was very insecure about his image (especially his height) and how he got picked on at work (which was no small matter for him to come out about, and certainly surprised me) etc- so if I lied and told him he wasn't attractive when he was, I could end up really emotionally damaging him (because for him this was a really serious question and he said my opinion mattered to him the most), which I obviously didn't want to end up doing. If I told him he was attractive though, I could have ended up giving him the wrong impression- however after quickly weighing up the issues of either option, I decided to be honest and tell him I thought he was pretty physically attractive and that I'd give him 8/10 for looks, because at that moment in time although I knew he found me attractive, I didn't think he would be as immoral to come onto me while my fiance, his best mate, was sleeping on the sofa right next to him while we sat on the floor chatting together.
He started going onto to me though more and more about how attractive he found me though. I was quite uncomfortable with this situation and I think my posture, silence and behavior made this quite clear to him.
I tried to steer the conversation back to the original topics, since I had sincerely sympathized for him on these topics and felt it was more positive to be talking about them instead of getting onto this sort of dodgey stuff. Every time I did this though he would only talk about them for a little bit before moving the conversation back onto the subject of his feelings for me.
Each time he did this, he became more and more confident and forceful to continue the conversation along these tracks, even though I was obviously very uncomfortable and not very happy about talking to him about this kind of stuff.
But, I thought to myself, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with a lovesick guy who's lovesick over me- I have a few guy friends that I know who fancy me, but I also know for sure that they would never ever attempt to make a move on me, because they respect my fiance too much and they also respect me too etc. But I hadn't had to deal with a situation quite like this, I didn't really know how to react or act considering all that had been said, a lot of other things were still running through my mind.
Jeff said to me that he was in love with me- he told me that he had wanted me for years, he said he loved everything about me. He said he didn't just love my boobs and my bum and my curves etc, he really did love everything about me, from my lips to my hair to the clothes I wore etc. I said nothing.
He told me that if my fiance hadn't have found me first, he would take me up in an instant. He then even went so far to say that If I left my fiance, he would dump Kate in an instant to be with me.
…
I basically told him, and made it quite clear, that even though I found him attractive (heck, I find a lot of girls and guys attractive) I wasn't attracted to who he was and that its basically "not going to happen between us". I made it clear to him that I was not happy nor uncomfortable talking to him about this sort of stuff and that I wasn't happy hearing it either. I told him that while I really sympathized for him about some of the other stuff he had talked about earlier on, but I said I didn't really know him that well and I certainly didn't love him.
Just to make 100% sure I was getting the right message across, I told him that I was absolutely faithful and dedicated to my fiance and that I would never cheat on him in any situation under any circumstances etc.
Jeff sorta backed off in his approach towards me after I said this to him though- "good" I thought, "we're getting back onto more safe and reasonable topic conversation'.
Jeff started to apologize lots to me about what he had said, admitting to putting me in a difficult situation. But he said he really couldn't help it- he said his lust/love for me was getting out of control and had been so for a long time and that it was driving him crazy.
He said he really liked me as a friend, he said he wanted us to be friends, but he said it was becoming more and more difficult for him to try and just resign himself to the position of being just a friend towards me. He said that he thought it might be best that he doesn't see me any more under any circumstance. He said he knew his feelings were wrong, but he couldn't stop himself from having them about me.
Now when he said this, I started to feel sorry for him again- I thought to myself, "this is just a lovesick guy who is finding difficulty fighting his immoral desires, he can't help having these feelings, he wants to stop himself from having these feelings about me, but he doesn't know what to do etc".
So I said to him, "Look, I really like you as a friend too, and some of the stuff you have said to me on other subjects tonight has really made me sympathize for you, but I don't want to see you anymore if it is going to make you suffer around me because of the feelings you feel for me against your will".
He didn't really seem to take this in though, rather after a while of some talk, he just sat there sighing on the edge of the inflatable bed. He turned around and grabbed my hand, he started talking about stuff like "Why are you with him [my fiance]? What do you see in him?? What can I do to make you want to be with me???", he said, "You know the reason why I work out? Its really stupid. I work out because I think to myself that if I have a great enough body you'll turn around and notice me and make you want to be with me. Its really stupid! Why do I have to feel this way about you??!".
He then said "You know I love you so much, I'm obsessed about you. I'm more of a man that your guy will ever be- if you go with me, I will protect you". He said "there was this one time when we were all in the pub and you were wearing your sexy little kilt skirt and white top and you were playing Pool with your man and I saw this guy just standing a short distance away from you just staring and your ***. I wanted to pummel/punch this guy so much I was so jealous that he was looking at your ***, and I'm not even with you! Why do you make me feel this way??!"
I told him that he had to deal with his anger issues but that I couldn't help the way he felt about me, I told him that I was dedicated to my man, and again I suggested to Jeff that it might be best that we just don't see each other anymore (which to be honest is crazy anyway, this was the first time I had seen him in like a year and all this stuff he was coming out to me about was completely out of the blue and completely unexpected for me).
He said "You know if you left your man I would look after you so well, I would wait on your 24/7, I would do everything for you, I would be your slave and you would be my queen, you wouldn't have to lift a finger, I would be at your beck and call". He said "I have never felt this way about any woman, I have never loved a woman before like I have with you, I feel we connect, we could be good for each other- I would give up everything to be with you".
(continued in a mo)
(continued)
Anyhoo, this kind of stuff went on for a bit. After a while we sat there silently for a few moments, and he said "do you think anything could happen between us"- not looking at him I immediately replied "No". He brought up some imaginary situations and stuff with the same sort of question (more about sex though), each time with me telling the truth and basically saying no. I didn't want to encourage him, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want the situation to get anymore awkward or bad for me- I don't know why, but I kept on trying to concentrate/think about what we had been talking about earlier with the non-sexual/love/fantasy etc stuff. I didn't want to be in this situation, but it was difficult to find an exit.
He just sat there. He looked like a peacock that had lost all of its feathers/beauty- he looked totally disheartened. I didn't really know what to do. After a bit of silence, he said "I know you and I aren't ever going to be together, but I have one request from you, but I know its wrong…"
I said "is it a sexual request in any way" and he said "No, no…Well, not really. I mean, No."
I said "Well what is it then, is it sexual or not? What do you want?". I really had no idea what he wanted- from the way he looked, sounded and acted, it almost looked like he was going to start sobbing, I almost thought he was gonna ask for a hug- him and Kate did not have a physically loving/comforting relationship together, no hugging or anything like that, and it wouldn't have been the first time someone had asked me for a hug in an emotionally twisted and distressing time. But with the difficulty of him saying what he wanted, I suspected he wanted more, but I really didn't know what he was going to request and I wanted to know so I asked again what exactly he want. I said to him that I may or may not do his request depending on what exactly it is, and I will try not to judge him for it.
He drew himself closer to me and he said "Can I have a kiss", I said "No", he asked again and I said no, he said it was just a kiss he wanted, "its not like I'm asking you for sex" he said, I said no, he said "please I just want just one kiss, no one will ever have to know about it-" I said "NO". I told him that there was no way I would ever do anything with him and that it wasn't fair that he was putting me in this situation, I told him again and again that I was dedicated to my fiance etc. Jeff was too close to me, I felt my personal space zone being invaded. I moved back, he was holding my hand. I said I needed to get up and stretch, I didn't, but I did so that when I sat down again I could sit further away from him.
God this was bad/awkward, I thought to myself.
But when I was comfortable to talk, all of a sudden he said "you know, I respect your dedication to your man. No woman has ever turned me down before you know, I respect that about you". I said "No woman has turned you down before?" and he said "Yeah, no woman has ever turned me down before. I really respect that about you, (but it only makes me want you more)".
All of a sudden I just felt like this had been some cruel test. I though to myself, why is he happy that I'm so faithful to my fiance when he obviously wants to get into bed with me??
But if only to contradict himself, he then went on about how much more sensual a kiss was for him, that it turned him on more than anything else, that a kiss can be even more intimate than sex. I agreed with him, saying how that a man might pay for sex with a hooker but he wouldn't kiss her. But as I said this I thought "so much for him wanting 'just a kiss', which apparently meant nothing, even thought he's now going on about how much more intimate a kiss is for him than sex etc".
I didn't want to be in this situation. Jeff started apologizing to me about asking me for the kiss and stuff, he tried to make me swear to him that I wouldn't tell my fiance about what happened. Although I don't like to lie, I told him that I wouldn't tell my fiance about what happened, even though in my mind I had already decided that I would tell him as soon as it was safe to do so. But all the time, I was thinking to myself "I can't believe this is going on!"
Throughout this entire situation I felt emotionally blackmailed with his sob/sympathy stories (which I believe were true).
Anyways…
Long story short, he didn't mention anything more about his passions over me and didn't make anymore requests and the conversation turned towards a more uneasy but acceptable subjects. I was exhausted and very stressed, I had been awake since 9am the day before and it was now about 5:30am in the morning. After a while Jeff said he was going to go for a smoke, I agreed and started to roll myself a cigarette, and at this moment my fiance woke up and after seeing me making a rolly he said he was going to have one as well.
I didn't know if my fiance had over-heard my Jeff's conversation with me, throughout the entire thing I had honestly thought he was asleep, Jeff certainly thought he had been asleep otherwise he wouldn't have dared talking to me about some of the stuff he had talked to me about. I did want to talk to my fiance about what had happened, but I wasn't going to talk to him about it while Jeff was there and his daughter and girlfriend were in the house, so I decided to act like nothing had happened for now.
After a short bit of small talk, Jeff went to bed, and since I was very knackered myself I decided to hit the hay as well and went to sleep with my fiance on the inflatable bed on the floor.
When I woke up 2 ½ hours later my fiance, Jeff, Kate and their daughter were already up and about. I chatted away to Kate about general stuff for a little bit, but then all of a sudden my fiance asked to have a word with Jeff outside- Jeff didn't want to, by my fiance insisted, and since Jeff didn't want to look suspicious in front of Kate he grudgingly obliged. I immediately knew that my fiance must have heard at least some of what had been said last night.
About 5mins later my fiance and Jeff came back indoors both very silent. I decided to go and get ready to leave. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, getting into some new clothes and re-applying my makeup, my fiance wanted to leave ASAP. I know a lot was wrong, I went with my fiance, I didn't know what had been said between my fiance and Jeff.
Me and my fiance got in our car, and after about a minute or two of driving, my fiance asked me what happened that night. I honestly didn't know what my fiance had heard, but from his tone I knew he had obviously heard some of it.
I told him everything.
After a while, he told me that he was very happy that I had told him the whole story, because he then said that he had heard everything, right from the start to the end, he said he had actually been asleep however he had been in a very light sleep so that is why he heard everything. He thanked me for staying faithful to him.
He said that the only reason why he didn't get up and beat the sh*t out of Jeff was because a. I resisted Jeff's attentions, b. because nothing actually happened between us, and c. because he wanted to see how events turned out between us. He said he was glad that he let events play out because I stayed faithful to him- He told me that before, he trusted me 100%, but now he trusted me 110%. He was quite understandably absolutely fuming at Jeff though, the only reason why he didn't beat Jeff up was because he didn't want to wake up Jeff's girlfriend or daughter and have them see Jeff covered in blood from getting the cr*p beaten out of him.
We talked about what had happened together throughout the entire car journey back and long after we had got back home. We hugged and kissed a lot. I wanted to be by my fiance's side more than anything in the world, we stayed right by each others side for the whole day.
After many hours of talking though, my fiance asked me to phone Jeff about what happened, I wanted to talk to Jeff about what happened too so I did.
When I phoned Jeff though he didn't want to speak to me, he kept asking to speak to me fiance, however my fiance quite understandably did not want to speak to Jeff at all, I could visibly see my fiance's anger over Jeff, so I kept on trying to speak to Jeff about what had happened.
I'm having a major big dilemma right now, and I really do not know what the best course of action to take would be. So I will tell you the whole story and see if any of you guys can give me any input on what to do, since I really do not know what to do myself and I will appreciate any opinions and reasons you guys can give me.
Because the detail of this whole story is so long, long story short my fiance's best friend tried to persuade me to have sex with him, I didn't have sex with him or do anything else with him, I stayed 100% faithful to my fiance and my fiance knows this for a fact (because he happened to hear the conservation and stuff as it happened) and I told the whole story of what happened to my fiance.
However now I do not know whether to tell the girlfriend (who is a friend of mine) of my fiance's ex-best friend of what happened between us, she also has a child with this guy. My fiance is also having the same dilemma as well. Detail of what exactly happened below;
EDIT: The writing in normal size is the main stuff, the writing in small size is the detail of the story, which is optional if you want to read it or not.
(BTW, this is going to be a pretty long , in-depth and detailed post).… …
On Saturday night me and my fiancé went to a friends birthday party , this friend, who we shall call Jeff (not his real name) was a friend of mine but he was more of a close friend of my fiance, he was one of my fiance's best mates and they were very close friends, regularly meeting up to go out on their motor bikes etc. Even though my fiance see's Jeff a lot, i hadn't really seen Jeff in over a year however I was looking forward to going to his birthday party and catching up with him. It was Jeff's 27th birthday party.
The B-day party basically consisted of going down to Jeff's one and only local pub, it was a bit of an old people/family pub but there were many other people there for Jeff's party and we had a pretty good time overall, I met quite a few new people and it was quite pleasant even though Jeff had a lot of drinks with his brother and mates and was a bit rowdy etc.
Because me and my fiance were both intending on drinking alcohol that night, we arranged to stay the night at Jeff and his girlfriends house so we didn't have to drive back home with alcohol in us etc. Jeff and his girlfriend have a little girl of around 2 or 3years old together, Jeff arranged for his and his girlfriends parents to baby sit their little girl while we all had a good night out together.
After the pub had started to close up after many hours of us partying for the night and everyone else in the party crowd had left for him, me and my fiance and Jeff and his girlfriend all decided to head back to their place for the night.
Jeff was pretty drunk, when we all got back to his place and his parents left, we all stayed up for a little bit. Jeff does a lot of working out with weights and stuff, he insisted on me and my fiance trying out his weights (of course I was pretty rubbish since my arms are made out of squish not muscle lol). Jeff's girlfriend soon decided to call it a night, I had been pretty tired while at the pub in the last hour or so but I started to wake up again so I decided to stay up for a bit.
Not long after Jeff's girlfriend had hit the hay, my fiance decided to go to sleep on the sofa in the sitting/main room while me and Jeff stayed up together chatting away together.
And this is where it all started…
At first, me and Jeff just talked about general stuff, but after a little while he really started to pour out his heart to me about all kinds of serious personal stuff, which he said he had never talked to anyone else to about.
(continued in a mo)
(continued)
At first it was all pretty innocent but serious stuff- Jeff is a bin man and his girlfriend is a cleaner, I've known them for years and I have always known that they have been a pretty skint couple, never been able to bring in much money to support themselves and their child, but always trying to provide their best for their child together and never relying on government hand outs or anything like that. Jeff told me that despite his best efforts to bring in as much money as possible, he was spending over £200's more a month than what he was actually bring in and so was being unhappily resigned to a life of debt. I don't know if his girlfriend knows of his debts or not.
Jeff is a very proud man, its one of the reasons why currently he is refusing cash hand outs (which he is entitled to) from the government. He admitted to doing pretty poorly at school, his GCSE grades were all D's and E's or worse- he admitted that he really didn't try hard at school, preferring instead to concentrate on pulling girls and skiving off school and stuff etc. Due to not trying at school, he's also computer illiterate and he doesn't have the time to do stay at home educational courses, so basically due to not giving a damn about his education at school he's ended up unintentionally resigning himself to poorly or basically paid work.
Jeff told me that he got very depressed sometimes, even suicidal depressed at times, he showed me scars on his arms from his suicidal moments in the past- this did shock me, I never thought him to be the depressed type of guy.
Jeff and his girlfriend started going out together in their early teenage years, and even though they are both still pretty young , they've already been a whopping 13years together.
I know that there's no love between Jeff and his girlfriend though- he's admitted to this many a time to both me and my fiance in the past, and yet again, he told me this- he said that there hasn't been any love between him and his girlfriend for the last 5years of their 13 year relationship together. But he said that the main reason why they are together is because of their little girl that they have together.
Now I know that Jeff doesn't love his girlfriend, and she doesn't love him back, but I do know for sure that he loves his little girl 100% and that he will do anything for her.
He said some stuff though that I really did sympathize for him for- I knew/had assumed pretty early on that the main and only reason why Jeff and his girlfriend are still together is for the sake of their daughter. Jeff said he didn't want to be with his girlfriend, however he said that he knew that if he did leave his girlfriend, which we shall call Katy (not her real name), that she would most likely move on with her life and meet a new guy and go out with him instead. Jeff said his biggest fear in all of this would that his little girl would grow up to call this new guy her Daddy, and hearing this would destroy Jeff's heart (which I find quite understandable).
So Jeff has basically resigned himself to being in an unhappy relationship with his girlfriend Kate forever for the sake of his daughter. Apart from the father fear thing, I think he also just wants to be with Kate so their daughter can grow up with having both her original dad and mum in the house together.
I did really sympathize for Jeff with this but I couldn't give him any answers to his situation. But even though Kate doesn't love Jeff, I have seen her say numerous negative things towards Jeff that IMHO I would personally never say to anyone no matter how little I loved them- I still think you should have a basic amount of respect towards someone for the simple fact that they're still a human being, no matter how little you love them. I'm not saying that Jeff doesn't say or do unreasonable things towards Kate, but I have seen the behavior more from Kate than Jeff.
I mentioned all of this to Jeff and he really agreed with me- even though he is a proud macho guy, he admitted that some of Kate's comments towards him did hurt his feelings/damage his self-confidence/esteem. He had mentioned being bullied at work as well earlier on in the conversation too- he's a good looking guy however he isn't very tall (I would say he's maybe about 5ft 4-5" tall) and he is very insecure about his height, which the guys take the piss about him about, plus they also tease him for his surname (which is a girls name to say the least).
Jeff also mentioned that apart from the complete lack of love in his relationship with Kate, they also argue with each other every single day and their sex life is not good together, with him last having sex with her over 4months ago.
I talked about a lot of stuff with Jeff, I won't bore you with it all here though as I should really be getting to the stuff that turns this hole situation upside down .
…Jeff told me that he had never been able to talk to anyone about these things before, he said I was special and that he felt a real connection with me, he said he felt I was on the same wave length as him and that he could really open up to me. I took these compliments quietly in my stride, I felt good that he was able to talk to me about this sort of stuff, but over the hours of chatting I started to feel uncomfortable with him.
Despite his drunk state earlier on in the night (although this was now technically the early hours of the next day), he had certainly sobered up a great deal and he had been very serious while talking to me about all of this stuff. I shall make this clear right now that there was no doubt in my mind that what he started saying and doing next was not under the influence of alcohol, in fact I had never seen Jeff more serious and sober before in my life.
He told me that I was beautiful- now I wasn't taken aback by this when he said this before he has told me and my fiance that I am good looking and that my fiance is a lucky man etc, however this time when Jeff said this to me there was not the same playful feeling or tone in his words, he sounded like he was coming more from the heart.
He asked me how attractive I found him- now seriously, he is a good looking guy, but it was an awkward question to answer; if I told him that I didn't think he was good looking, it could crush his self esteem- throughout the night already he had been grudgingly talking to me about how he was very insecure about his image (especially his height) and how he got picked on at work (which was no small matter for him to come out about, and certainly surprised me) etc- so if I lied and told him he wasn't attractive when he was, I could end up really emotionally damaging him (because for him this was a really serious question and he said my opinion mattered to him the most), which I obviously didn't want to end up doing. If I told him he was attractive though, I could have ended up giving him the wrong impression- however after quickly weighing up the issues of either option, I decided to be honest and tell him I thought he was pretty physically attractive and that I'd give him 8/10 for looks, because at that moment in time although I knew he found me attractive, I didn't think he would be as immoral to come onto me while my fiance, his best mate, was sleeping on the sofa right next to him while we sat on the floor chatting together.
He started going onto to me though more and more about how attractive he found me though. I was quite uncomfortable with this situation and I think my posture, silence and behavior made this quite clear to him.
I tried to steer the conversation back to the original topics, since I had sincerely sympathized for him on these topics and felt it was more positive to be talking about them instead of getting onto this sort of dodgey stuff. Every time I did this though he would only talk about them for a little bit before moving the conversation back onto the subject of his feelings for me.
Each time he did this, he became more and more confident and forceful to continue the conversation along these tracks, even though I was obviously very uncomfortable and not very happy about talking to him about this kind of stuff.
But, I thought to myself, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with a lovesick guy who's lovesick over me- I have a few guy friends that I know who fancy me, but I also know for sure that they would never ever attempt to make a move on me, because they respect my fiance too much and they also respect me too etc. But I hadn't had to deal with a situation quite like this, I didn't really know how to react or act considering all that had been said, a lot of other things were still running through my mind.
Jeff said to me that he was in love with me- he told me that he had wanted me for years, he said he loved everything about me. He said he didn't just love my boobs and my bum and my curves etc, he really did love everything about me, from my lips to my hair to the clothes I wore etc. I said nothing.
He told me that if my fiance hadn't have found me first, he would take me up in an instant. He then even went so far to say that If I left my fiance, he would dump Kate in an instant to be with me.
…
I basically told him, and made it quite clear, that even though I found him attractive (heck, I find a lot of girls and guys attractive) I wasn't attracted to who he was and that its basically "not going to happen between us". I made it clear to him that I was not happy nor uncomfortable talking to him about this sort of stuff and that I wasn't happy hearing it either. I told him that while I really sympathized for him about some of the other stuff he had talked about earlier on, but I said I didn't really know him that well and I certainly didn't love him.
Just to make 100% sure I was getting the right message across, I told him that I was absolutely faithful and dedicated to my fiance and that I would never cheat on him in any situation under any circumstances etc.
Jeff sorta backed off in his approach towards me after I said this to him though- "good" I thought, "we're getting back onto more safe and reasonable topic conversation'.
Jeff started to apologize lots to me about what he had said, admitting to putting me in a difficult situation. But he said he really couldn't help it- he said his lust/love for me was getting out of control and had been so for a long time and that it was driving him crazy.
He said he really liked me as a friend, he said he wanted us to be friends, but he said it was becoming more and more difficult for him to try and just resign himself to the position of being just a friend towards me. He said that he thought it might be best that he doesn't see me any more under any circumstance. He said he knew his feelings were wrong, but he couldn't stop himself from having them about me.
Now when he said this, I started to feel sorry for him again- I thought to myself, "this is just a lovesick guy who is finding difficulty fighting his immoral desires, he can't help having these feelings, he wants to stop himself from having these feelings about me, but he doesn't know what to do etc".
So I said to him, "Look, I really like you as a friend too, and some of the stuff you have said to me on other subjects tonight has really made me sympathize for you, but I don't want to see you anymore if it is going to make you suffer around me because of the feelings you feel for me against your will".
He didn't really seem to take this in though, rather after a while of some talk, he just sat there sighing on the edge of the inflatable bed. He turned around and grabbed my hand, he started talking about stuff like "Why are you with him [my fiance]? What do you see in him?? What can I do to make you want to be with me???", he said, "You know the reason why I work out? Its really stupid. I work out because I think to myself that if I have a great enough body you'll turn around and notice me and make you want to be with me. Its really stupid! Why do I have to feel this way about you??!".
He then said "You know I love you so much, I'm obsessed about you. I'm more of a man that your guy will ever be- if you go with me, I will protect you". He said "there was this one time when we were all in the pub and you were wearing your sexy little kilt skirt and white top and you were playing Pool with your man and I saw this guy just standing a short distance away from you just staring and your ***. I wanted to pummel/punch this guy so much I was so jealous that he was looking at your ***, and I'm not even with you! Why do you make me feel this way??!"
I told him that he had to deal with his anger issues but that I couldn't help the way he felt about me, I told him that I was dedicated to my man, and again I suggested to Jeff that it might be best that we just don't see each other anymore (which to be honest is crazy anyway, this was the first time I had seen him in like a year and all this stuff he was coming out to me about was completely out of the blue and completely unexpected for me).
He said "You know if you left your man I would look after you so well, I would wait on your 24/7, I would do everything for you, I would be your slave and you would be my queen, you wouldn't have to lift a finger, I would be at your beck and call". He said "I have never felt this way about any woman, I have never loved a woman before like I have with you, I feel we connect, we could be good for each other- I would give up everything to be with you".
(continued in a mo)
(continued)
Anyhoo, this kind of stuff went on for a bit. After a while we sat there silently for a few moments, and he said "do you think anything could happen between us"- not looking at him I immediately replied "No". He brought up some imaginary situations and stuff with the same sort of question (more about sex though), each time with me telling the truth and basically saying no. I didn't want to encourage him, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want the situation to get anymore awkward or bad for me- I don't know why, but I kept on trying to concentrate/think about what we had been talking about earlier with the non-sexual/love/fantasy etc stuff. I didn't want to be in this situation, but it was difficult to find an exit.
He just sat there. He looked like a peacock that had lost all of its feathers/beauty- he looked totally disheartened. I didn't really know what to do. After a bit of silence, he said "I know you and I aren't ever going to be together, but I have one request from you, but I know its wrong…"
I said "is it a sexual request in any way" and he said "No, no…Well, not really. I mean, No."
I said "Well what is it then, is it sexual or not? What do you want?". I really had no idea what he wanted- from the way he looked, sounded and acted, it almost looked like he was going to start sobbing, I almost thought he was gonna ask for a hug- him and Kate did not have a physically loving/comforting relationship together, no hugging or anything like that, and it wouldn't have been the first time someone had asked me for a hug in an emotionally twisted and distressing time. But with the difficulty of him saying what he wanted, I suspected he wanted more, but I really didn't know what he was going to request and I wanted to know so I asked again what exactly he want. I said to him that I may or may not do his request depending on what exactly it is, and I will try not to judge him for it.
He drew himself closer to me and he said "Can I have a kiss", I said "No", he asked again and I said no, he said it was just a kiss he wanted, "its not like I'm asking you for sex" he said, I said no, he said "please I just want just one kiss, no one will ever have to know about it-" I said "NO". I told him that there was no way I would ever do anything with him and that it wasn't fair that he was putting me in this situation, I told him again and again that I was dedicated to my fiance etc. Jeff was too close to me, I felt my personal space zone being invaded. I moved back, he was holding my hand. I said I needed to get up and stretch, I didn't, but I did so that when I sat down again I could sit further away from him.
God this was bad/awkward, I thought to myself.
But when I was comfortable to talk, all of a sudden he said "you know, I respect your dedication to your man. No woman has ever turned me down before you know, I respect that about you". I said "No woman has turned you down before?" and he said "Yeah, no woman has ever turned me down before. I really respect that about you, (but it only makes me want you more)".
All of a sudden I just felt like this had been some cruel test. I though to myself, why is he happy that I'm so faithful to my fiance when he obviously wants to get into bed with me??
But if only to contradict himself, he then went on about how much more sensual a kiss was for him, that it turned him on more than anything else, that a kiss can be even more intimate than sex. I agreed with him, saying how that a man might pay for sex with a hooker but he wouldn't kiss her. But as I said this I thought "so much for him wanting 'just a kiss', which apparently meant nothing, even thought he's now going on about how much more intimate a kiss is for him than sex etc".
I didn't want to be in this situation. Jeff started apologizing to me about asking me for the kiss and stuff, he tried to make me swear to him that I wouldn't tell my fiance about what happened. Although I don't like to lie, I told him that I wouldn't tell my fiance about what happened, even though in my mind I had already decided that I would tell him as soon as it was safe to do so. But all the time, I was thinking to myself "I can't believe this is going on!"
Throughout this entire situation I felt emotionally blackmailed with his sob/sympathy stories (which I believe were true).
Anyways…
Long story short, he didn't mention anything more about his passions over me and didn't make anymore requests and the conversation turned towards a more uneasy but acceptable subjects. I was exhausted and very stressed, I had been awake since 9am the day before and it was now about 5:30am in the morning. After a while Jeff said he was going to go for a smoke, I agreed and started to roll myself a cigarette, and at this moment my fiance woke up and after seeing me making a rolly he said he was going to have one as well.
I didn't know if my fiance had over-heard my Jeff's conversation with me, throughout the entire thing I had honestly thought he was asleep, Jeff certainly thought he had been asleep otherwise he wouldn't have dared talking to me about some of the stuff he had talked to me about. I did want to talk to my fiance about what had happened, but I wasn't going to talk to him about it while Jeff was there and his daughter and girlfriend were in the house, so I decided to act like nothing had happened for now.
After a short bit of small talk, Jeff went to bed, and since I was very knackered myself I decided to hit the hay as well and went to sleep with my fiance on the inflatable bed on the floor.
When I woke up 2 ½ hours later my fiance, Jeff, Kate and their daughter were already up and about. I chatted away to Kate about general stuff for a little bit, but then all of a sudden my fiance asked to have a word with Jeff outside- Jeff didn't want to, by my fiance insisted, and since Jeff didn't want to look suspicious in front of Kate he grudgingly obliged. I immediately knew that my fiance must have heard at least some of what had been said last night.
About 5mins later my fiance and Jeff came back indoors both very silent. I decided to go and get ready to leave. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, getting into some new clothes and re-applying my makeup, my fiance wanted to leave ASAP. I know a lot was wrong, I went with my fiance, I didn't know what had been said between my fiance and Jeff.
Me and my fiance got in our car, and after about a minute or two of driving, my fiance asked me what happened that night. I honestly didn't know what my fiance had heard, but from his tone I knew he had obviously heard some of it.
I told him everything.
After a while, he told me that he was very happy that I had told him the whole story, because he then said that he had heard everything, right from the start to the end, he said he had actually been asleep however he had been in a very light sleep so that is why he heard everything. He thanked me for staying faithful to him.
He said that the only reason why he didn't get up and beat the sh*t out of Jeff was because a. I resisted Jeff's attentions, b. because nothing actually happened between us, and c. because he wanted to see how events turned out between us. He said he was glad that he let events play out because I stayed faithful to him- He told me that before, he trusted me 100%, but now he trusted me 110%. He was quite understandably absolutely fuming at Jeff though, the only reason why he didn't beat Jeff up was because he didn't want to wake up Jeff's girlfriend or daughter and have them see Jeff covered in blood from getting the cr*p beaten out of him.
We talked about what had happened together throughout the entire car journey back and long after we had got back home. We hugged and kissed a lot. I wanted to be by my fiance's side more than anything in the world, we stayed right by each others side for the whole day.
After many hours of talking though, my fiance asked me to phone Jeff about what happened, I wanted to talk to Jeff about what happened too so I did.
When I phoned Jeff though he didn't want to speak to me, he kept asking to speak to me fiance, however my fiance quite understandably did not want to speak to Jeff at all, I could visibly see my fiance's anger over Jeff, so I kept on trying to speak to Jeff about what had happened.
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