Must be French bashing week again

[den4]

It must be French bashing week again...
It may have something to do with the weapons inspectors not finding and WMD in Iraq...so, after Mr Ashcroft claiming there need be no reason for starting a war with Iraq, we also get these enlightening facts from the folks who couldn't find WMDs...

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually, the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome" and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily because the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to a Corsican leadership, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. The loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

 

[Ghost]

Excellent points. I really don't think we(the world) need them. They are like kids that won't grow up and take responsibility.

 

[Uncle Frank]

I'M NOT GIVING UP MY ..........

Frenchfries, especially MacD's !!

Frank

 

[EscaFlowne]

Checkers fries are the best.

 

[Uncle Frank]

THEY DID GIVE US THE FAMOUS......

French Foreign Legion although you don't hear much about them anymore. And, don't forget French Ticklers !!! The famous Frenchman , Peppie LePhew who works for Warner Brothers is cool !!!

Frank

 

[Golgo_13]

How do you tell an Air France airplane?

By the hair under the wings

 

[jeisan]

dont forget the french kiss frank!!

 

[thomas]

How many of you smarty-pants have actually been to France?

 

[den4]

Oh-oh....now you guys did it....now you got Thomas with his serious samurai frownie face come upon the scene.....that's trouble, dudes...

 

[Toshiya]

I'm personally very pround of being french (even if my english sucks...). And I would be ashamed of being american...

How can you be proud of Bush's policy?

I think all your posts are stupid and typical of the american way of thinking: "we are the best of the world!!!!! We rule the world!!!! Yeah!!!"

 

[lineartube]

Damn right you should be proud since it is your country.

Though even in France there is the right to satire. I would admit that some posts are a bit crude, but like everything in life, take them with a pinch of salt. Meaning, don't take it too seriously.

Anyway, if you would comb this forum, you would find that there is more USA-bashing than any specific country.

As a world leader, Bush has the biggest "kick me" sign on his back since... well, I can't remember any world leader in history being so easy to be picked at. And he's still breaking records.

 

[kirei_na_me]

*shaking head* Did you all not see den4's little message before posting the insults? I think he was being....sarcastic? The leaders are frustrated now because of the lack of evidence on finding WMD, so they're having to pick on somebody.

I personally love France. I have been there and I have close friends who are French. It's a rich culture, well worth studying.

It seems that a lot of people are not happy unless they are constantly insulting somone or something or somewhere.

Like Americans and the U.S. don't have any skeletons in the closet... Or any other country, for that matter.

Edit: And lmao at den's comment. I just noticed it, thanks to jeisan!

 

[jeisan]

@thomas
not me


@Den, re: thomas.
hahahahahahahaha


@Toshiya
ill admit to my post being stupid, but not the typical american way of thinking.

 

[lineartube]

@thomas

Once I've gazed very intensly at it, from the Andorra side of the border, but then I took two steps back, turned around and started an uncontrolled descent down a ski slope. Fortunately I didn't get past the ground.



More seriously, France is a country I would love to visit someday. It has a lot of appeal to me, like for instance it's history, culture and social life.

 

[Maciamo]

Originally posted by den4

The Complete Military History of France

Complete ? I could add quite a few missing wars, oddly enough mostly won.
Eg. :

- 732 : Charles Martel defeated the Saracens at Poitiers, effectively stopping the Muslim invasion of Europe (it took the Spaniards 800 more years to boot them out of Spain).

- Charlemagne ("Karl der Grosse" in German) create the first empire after the fall of Rome. Crowned in Rome in year 800. 70% of it's empire is now on French speaking soil. Even his English name comes from French, not German (could also have been "Charles the Great" as a direct translation, but it isn't). Defeated the Lombards, Saxons and many others.

- quoting from the encyclopedia : "Philip II (Philip Augustus; 1180-1223), clashed repeatedly with Henry's sons, Richard I and John. Defeating John in 1204 and again, resoundingly, at Bouvines (1214), Philip soundly established the military prestige of France."

]
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Unfortunately for the dumb writer of these words, there was no such term or concept as "Italian" at that time. What's more comparing modern French to the Celtic Gauls is almost as absurd as comparing modern Americans to native Amerindians who lived there 2000 years ago. Studies have shown that 50% of modern French have Germanic DNA (from the 5-6th century Germanic tribes that were the Franks and Burgundians, who invaded the geographic area now known s France and consequently gave their name "France" and Bourgogne (Burgundy in English). In the remaining 50%, some Celts (especially in Bretagne), some Latin (Roman descendants), and other ancient Mediteranean people.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Sainted.[/quoted]

Anyway, France won.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

What's the point ? Huguenots were a French minority that was crushed by the Catholic government. They had to flee to Germany and America. Not a matter of win or lose.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

Louis XIV (1643-1715) won numerous battles/wars against several European countries. France was much more powerful than England or any other European countries during his reign. At that time French supplanted Latin as European lingua-franca, which it remained until the late 19th or early 20th century. He died at the end of the Spanish succesion war, not until ensuring that his grandson becomes the king of Spain Philip V (of Bourbon, name of this French dynasty that extended to Spain, still reign in Spain now, and gave its name to the famous American liquor) at the Peace of Utrecht Call that a defeat ?

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

In this case, France had been at war with Britain for quite a long time, and that was only a victory among a series of victories, defeats and ties against the UK. No big winner or loser. Even the American victory is yet another British victory - against themselves ! See below =>

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

American revolution ? British victory and defeat, primarily due the fact that the opponent was British on both side.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

25 years of nearly uninterrrupted conquest and victories against the whole of Europe from 1789 to 1814, resulting in giving the first democratic system and their current legal system to most of them after that, uniformising measure under the French metric system, making all Continental Europe drive on the right... All Napoleon's work. Just a defeat against Britain+Prussia+Austria+Russia+Netherlands+Sweden is no match to the total of victories with long term implication on the rest of Europe.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

As far as I know, all colonial wars were lost sooner or later by the first victor and colonist. Spain, Portugal, Britain, Holland, Germany, and even the US (Philippines, Japan, Panama...) all lost their colonies in the end. That's only natural. But again, what is one defeat when they have been able to maintain such huge overseas empire for centuries. France is the 2nd biggest colonial ever in the history after the UK. 2nd out of about 200 countries existing nowadays.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Actually France was leading the opposition against the US. Germany and 3/4 of the world followed. Then it was not a war, but the question of the necessity of war or not (just a conflict of opinions/philosophies).

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

Well, considering that France is one of the oldest (or the oldest ?)established country in Europe (since Clovis 5th century AD) to keep the same name, considering that it is one the most cohesive and centralised nation in Europe (Germany, Spain, Belgium, or to some extent the UK, are all federal countries for example), or considering that 50% of the word in modern English come from French, what would make one think that France could collpase any sooner than almost any other country in the world.

 

[Shigatsu]

Originally posted by Toshiya
I'm personally very pround of being french (even if my english sucks...). And I would be ashamed of being american...

How can you be proud of Bush's policy?

I think all your posts are stupid and typical of the american way of thinking: "we are the best of the world!!!!! We rule the world!!!! Yeah!!!"

no. not true...I'm from Ireland and I still don't like France or most of the French.... you have that way of thinking also. (not you personally, but you get the idea)

I think Ireland is the only place that doesn't have that idea...we don't think we are better than the next guy, but we are still proud of our country..

and plus, making fun of the French is fun.

 

[Hachiko]

And Lance rules France by the pants.

 

[den4]

I do hope that everybody that read the original post did know that I was poking fun at my country's lame jokers who have to always pick on some country, namely France, when things don't work out?

but if you didn't get it, then I do apologize

@Maciamo: With the historians constantly changing the history books of their respective nations every few years, I doubt there will ever be a complete history for anything

but it is an election year, so everybody out there do go out and vote for Cutethulhu, because why settle for a lesser evil?

 

[jeisan]

most of the quotes den posted were originally in maxim magazine about a year ago, that should give you guys some indication on how "reliable" the source really is.

 

[den4]

Isn't Maxim a British magazine? or the publisher or main dude behind it originally from England?

Also I find it ironic that the same level of jokes aren't directed at the Chinese, Russians and Germans, who also opted to not join the Iraqi War efforts....

 

[jeisan]

im not sure if it is or not.

i dont, ameicans are lazy, theyd have to think to hard to poke fun at the chinese, russians and germans.

 

[Ghost]

We arnt lazy, we just dont do it much.

 

[den4]

used to be a lot of German jokes during WW2, from what I've seen....most not very flattering....

 

[mad pierrot]

Without the French aid we received during the American Revolution, we'd be nothing more than a big British colony now. Not just France, but other European nations gave quite a bit, too. It seems everyone wanted to stick it to the British back then.

 

[justin]

I'm not sure this is what the Japan Forum was meant for. I've been to France and some of the bad jokes are true while others are B.S. Not all of France is like Paris (smelly, dirty, and filled with rude people), if you get the chance take a ride around the French country side.

Now, enough with bashing other people's countries. Every country in the world has bad apples and we shouldn't judge the country by them. Before you insult another country take a look at your own and you will see it isn't perfect.