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Marriage Jokes


27 Nov 2003
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W. Renwick
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said; "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

:D :D :D :D
How 'bout this one:

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice........"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
Social Security

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home now and come back later with my wallet?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. Oh honey, "I'm sorry," she said. "I should have know there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was
that for?"

She replied "Your horse called."

On a beautiful deserted island in an uncharted area of the Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman
* Two French men and one French woman
* Two German men and one German woman
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman
* Two English men and one English woman
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman
* Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a mテゥnage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/ restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up. She complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of emotional fulfillment from men, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and WHY didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can get back to civilization to get her nails done and go shopping...

:D :D :D
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