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Jokes for the Ladies


27 Nov 2003
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over. He whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, on one condition." (There are always conditions.)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly and meaningfully said,..."Clean my house."
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on
the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Originally posted by Kent Brockman
Helen Keller was a lady.

This is the "Jokes for the Ladies" thread.

A gold sovereign for the next poster if they...

How do you drive Helen Keller crazy?

Re-arrange her furniture everyday. :D
The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She has lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, women become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe ツュruled by a __nis.
Guidelines on men....

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men, who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money, and thank God are heterosexual, are shy, and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men, who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Who understands men? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Male and female attributes

From a newspaper, in which the readers were
asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and
explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device
when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak
havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to
the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.

:D :D
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