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Join my Cult! -- It`s a cool one.

25 Dec 2005
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Looking around and seeing all the superstitious cults and their leaders and the money and prestige they get, I realize I am missing out on something.

I want to be a cult leader, too. But, my cult is going to be a really cool cult. We will have lots of rules, doctrines, and things like the others, but ours will be much better.
 
Every good cult needs a cool name. My cult is going to be called: The Cult of The Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bars. We will be known as Sandwichians. For short, we can refer to ourselves as Swichians.

We will have:

A book of Laws
A list of Commandments.
A colorful history.
12 Diciples
Priestesses
Villains
Doctrines
etc...

All will be provided by me and some gospels will be volunteered by the first 12 Diciples who volunteer. Don`t forget, I am the Cult Leader.

One thing that is important to realize and accept is, you must subvert your reason to be a cult member in good standing. Intellectual honesty is a taboo.

You also may think that we are borrowing from other superstitious religions as the Cult dogma progresses, but don`t believe that if someone points that out to you. Your best defense in that situation is to close your eyes and cover your ears and repeat, ツ"I see and hear nothing. I am at peace in the Cult because the Cult leader loves me and choose me. I partake of the Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar and it cleanses me and saves me. Though I walk in the valley of the Shadow of microwave heat, my Polar Bear Ice Cream Bar will not melt and leave me wanting.ツ"

Now, accepting all applications for diciples.
 
*Ev3* said:
theres already a cult on the forum -- take a look in the jpop section.

Yes, cults proliferate. But, mine is the really True one. All the others are false paths to the Truth.

Haven`t you ever been touched by the bliss of a Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar? Vow allegience to the Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar and ye shall be saved from the Microwave devil that could melt your soul.
 
I have a few questions before joining your cult...
How many virgins do I get? Can they be delivered on this life (or at least half of them)?
Is there a beer factory in heaven?
Can we form a liberal branch so that our teachings will be so vague and meaningless they will be immune from criticism?
 
kumo said:
I have a few questions before joining your cult...
How many virgins do I get? Can they be delivered on this life (or at least half of them)?
Is there a beer factory in heaven?

Good questions, Kumo.

How many virgins would you like? I am a cult leader who aims to please and those who are my first 12 diciples will get things awarded to them before others who come later. But, please, keep your requests reasonable, you may irk my ire and cause me to become unreasonable.

Remember, this is a serious cult -- not a game of D&D.

Would you be satisfied with 6 virgins?

They can be delivered within one day. But remember, one day of your cult leader's time is equivelent to 1000 years of your time. Yes, we are a cult of loopholes. But, those are the most successful cults so I see know reason to reinvent the wheel. What worked for them should work for us as well.

Yes, lots of beer in heaven. But, all consumption of it must be done at the same time as you eat the heavenly Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar. A beer in one hand and a Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar in the other.

* a bucket is placed in the corner of heaven should you feel the need to barf after consuming both. Too much of a good thing can be sickening.
 
couldn`t resist

strongvoicesforward said:
Yes, lots of beer in heaven. (...)
* a bucket is placed in the corner of heaven should you feel the need to barf after consuming both. Too much of a good thing can be sickening.
enlighten me then, oh the Lustreous one! Is there a toilet nearby? Or one of the blessings of Sandwichians is infinite bladder? :? :D
 
Void said:
enlighten me then, oh the Lustreous one! Is there a toilet nearby? Or one of the blessings of Sandwichians is infinite bladder? :? :D


hmmm... these questions are forcing me into complex doctrines before their due time I had omnipotently planned for their debut. They could confuse me. At times I am a confused Cult Leader like many who have come before me.

But, ye asketh and ye receiveth. Ye knocketh on the door, and it shall be opened.

When we Sandwichians are caught up in the Great Ice Cream Whipping Machine to meet the Holy Polar Bear in the Heavenly Ice Box -- there will be an infinite bladder bestowed on us so that we may not defile the Holy Ice Box.

But, the bucket for barfing remains because beer and Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bars could cause some funky stomache functions.

All deciple positions are still open.
 
Commandment #1

I am the Great Polar Bear of the Arctic Tundra North which hath brought thee out of the state where ye did not partake of The Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich.

Commandment #2

"Thou shalt have no other Ice Cream Sandwich Bar before me.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any other Ice Cream Sandwich Bar or any likeness of any thing that is in The Great Ice Box above. Thou shalt not eat other Ice Cream Sandwich Bars, nor serve them to others: for I, the Great Polar Bear of the Arctic Tundra North, am a jealous God Bear, visiting melted ice cream and chocolate upon all those who do not eat the Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar properly with respect ; and showing mercy by not visiting sticky fingers upon thousands of them that eat it, and keep my sacred commandments."


------------------------------------------------------

We are an intolerant cult when it comes to other cults and Ice Cream sandwiches. All others are false and ignite the microwave heat of anger within the Great Polar Bear and the Word, Strongvoicesforward, who was one with the Polar Bear and the Sandwich from before time.

Don`t try to understand it. Just accept it. Skepticism is to be suspended at all times.

Ok, sorry, but I have had only enough time to make two commandments for the moment. Being a cult leader is exhausting. So, please hold on while I eat a Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bar to wait for more inspiration for more Bear Breathed Inspiration and scripture.

And, ツ"no,ツ" I am not hijacking an already established religion. It just looks similar to any others purely by coincidences. Mine will get much better with time.

Still accepting deciples. All 12 positions are still open.
 
Hummm?????

I would like to be a cult Judas ! Can I be the deciple of the Nutty Buddy Cone? Love those sugar cones and the chocolate with nuts!


Uncle Frank

😊
 
Wrong Sub-forum?

I can appreciate the humor involed here, although I think its lustre has been already dulled by certain overtones from previous argumentations which in fact are yet weak in some very fundamental ways and areas.

More than that, although I may eventually become a follower some long-off, lonely day, I would like to suggest that this be moved to the CHIT CHAT & MISCELLANEOUS; Humor sub-forum. It is not a Serious Discussion in my considered opinion.
Is there a second for my motion?
 
Yeah. I'm prepared to second the motion ...

I don't think it's a bad thread at all; but it's fairly obvious that humor is the intent.

Do we need a third ... ?

ニ淡ニ停?。ニ停?
 
Mars Man said:
I can appreciate the humor involed here, although I think its lustre has been already dulled by certain overtones from previous argumentations which in fact are yet weak in some very fundamental ways and areas.
More than that, although I may eventually become a follower some long-off, lonely day, I would like to suggest that this be moved to the CHIT CHAT & MISCELLANEOUS; Humor sub-forum. It is not a Serious Discussion in my considered opinion.
Is there a second for my motion?

Satiring and parodying are both credible forms to illustrate an argument for or against something. While the surface may be light, the underlying message is nothing but.

Don`t anger the Great Polar Bear of the Frozen Arctic Tundra. You may be refused entrance on the Day of Judgement to the Great Ice Box. All blasphemines go to the hidious microwave to melt in heat for all eternity.
 
Oh but GREAT ONE, the ONE and ONLY GPB (since it would be sacraligious (sp?) to actually say your MOST HOLY NAME...hee, hee, hee...

Yes, but this is just the wrong place for it, that's all. :)
 
Mars Man said:
Is there a second for my motion?
I am in complete agreement here, and think this should be moved.

Aside from all that, and on a more serious note, I think one would need to be quite charismatic and holding a lot of integrity to actually start a successful religion that would last as long as Christianity has. Is that now 2000 years, and yet it is still practiced worldwide? Jesus put forth that one should do unto others as one would have done unto themselves, and he probably lived that maxim with great integrity. People could feel his compassion, and I think in part this is why the disciples felt they absolutely had to carry on his name somehow. Just my twobits.

EDIT: as I have read, a lot of the stories and embellishments were added on later, to appeal more to the pagans. Christianity in it's infancy was neither considered a religion, as it didn't have a lot of mythological elements, nor was it an actual philosophy.
 
Mars Man proposed, Sen-san seconded, Revenant thirded, I fourth. Yes, I think it should be moved.
 
should it not be moved? no it should! This forum section is where people discuss fictional fantasies that have no solitude, what seperates this guys cult from that of christians, jews(few thousand followers im sure), but go for it strongvoicesforward!!

Strongvoice, you need to create some religious doctrination, like ways and virtues that people can ammend to and live through out their lives.
 
Last edited:
jack2 said:
should it not be moved? no it should [not]! This forum section is where people discuss fictional fantasies that have no solitude, what seperates this guys cult from that of christians, jews(few thousand followers im sure), but go for it strongvoicesforward!!
Strongvoice, you need to create some religious doctrination, like ways and virtues that people can ammend to and live through out their lives.

Yes, the doctrines of my cult will come soon enough. First, though, The Great Polar Bear of the Frozen Arctic North is pressuring me to get the 10 Commandments down. Actually, I had them given to me by the Great Polar Bear of the Arctic North, carved in slabs of ice.

He had given them to me when I climbed a glacier and hid behind a big snowball. Before me, he presented himself and the commandments to me in all His Glory. But, when I was coming down from the glacier I tripped and dropped the ice carvings of the commandments and they shattered.

Now I keep kicking myself for not wearing crampons to my boots when I went up that glacier. Don`t worry, though, the Great Polar Bear of the Arctic North is breathing the words of his dogma into me little by little.

Stay tuned for more commandments. Faith willing, they will come to us in innerrant form despite the destruction of the autographa.

* desciple positions are still open.
 
Mars Man said:
Is there a second for my motion?
As it has alrady been seconded, thirded and fourthed, I shall fifth it. I think it really does belong in humour, along with the Spaghetti God of Den4
 
every self-respecting super-puper being ought to have the Opposition :D should i sign for Malicious Pinguin the Lord of Antipode Land or for more "antipode-ness" it should be EarthBound Kiwi the Vile? :?
 
Thousands of people have created their own cults, especially in the 20th century. Why not create your own ? In a country that guarantees freedom of religion, freedom or thougt and freedom of association, everybody should be free to create their own cult.
 
I don't know who moved this thread to chit-chat, but for me it is no more chit-chat than discussion about Christianity or other religions.
 
Maciamo said:
I don't know who moved this thread to chit-chat, but for me it is no more chit-chat than discussion about Christianity or other religions.
Looks like at least five people disagree with you. :p
 
And, on the 2nd Day, The Great Polar Bear of the Frozen Arctic North was banished to the isles of Chit Chat and Miscelaneous where He was executed for the crimes of bringing forth the Truth about the Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich Bars.

There He layed, in the tomb of an igloo bidding his time.

But, the bitter winds of the North breathed, and He rose -- Resurrected to the place of his birth, and now He sits once again upon his thrown in Religion and Philosophy.

As it was said by the prophets -- and as it had come to be.

The cult lives and continues on.

---------------------------------------------
* desciple positions still available.
 
I look forward to hearing more of the story as it goes. It may take some time, but as the heartless winds ravage the dunes and ravines in that land of tasty delights, as the twisted beauty of ice and snow slowly cover the tomb of the One Almighty Rock of Ice Cream Bars, GPB, we can rest assured, that the time will come when once again the spirit-filling goodness of the Polar Bear Ice Cream Sandwich will be praised by everyone !! Forever and Amen !!
 
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