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Is this considered cheating in Japan?

jclark12

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Hi,

I've been seeing this Japanese girl for about 6 months now and we just moved in together last week. A few days ago she said she was going out for dinner with a friend of hers (a girl called Nao). I thought this was the same person she was inviting over to our house for dinner so I looked on Facebook and found out the only Nao she had in her friend list was a guy. This naturally raised my suspicions so I deliberately weaved this into our conversations and used the words "she" and "her" a lot and she used them too.

She went out for dinner with this guy for about 2 hours (too short for anything to happen I think) and when she came home I asked her about it and said I knew it was a guy. She burst into tears, apologised and explained that Japanese men (I'm British) don't like it when their partners have meals with other men (even if it's purely friendship). I checked her mobile and it seems she first texted the guy a couple of times back in April and it was quiet until this month when he asked her if she would like to meet for dinner.

I don't mind if she's meeting other people (even guys) if it's purely for friendship reasons and not dating, but I'm not sure why she would lie about it, is it extremely taboo in Japan? She hasn't even been in the UK a year yet and I think she's having trouble finding friends since her English isn't very good so it could just be that.

About a year ago I ended a 7 year relationship with a girl (we had a shared house/mortgage and everything) and I ended it with her because she slept with someone else. I really cannot go through that again so am I best just ending this now? I really don't want to, I really like her and I want to forgive her lying to me but I'm finding it very difficult given my past experience. I've never dated a Japanese girl before and I don't know the differences so am I probably setting myself up for a big disappointment if I continue or is she probably genuinely remorseful?

Thanks,
John
 
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OK, my take on the situation. She is Japanese and if she is using an excuse that Japanese men don't like it when their partners go out with other guys then she is totally disrespecting you as person. Why? If she really meant what she said, why not tell you before hand that she was going out with another guy for dinner, I mean your British, so I only see this as an excuse on her part.

No 2, why does she think she can go out with another guy if if it not accepted generally in Japan among couples? It is still going behind your back no matter which way you look at it.

No 3, what kind of name is Nao? (OK, I am a little drunk right now, but if my wife went to dinner with a guy named Nao, I would kick his a$$ just b/c of that name. (Parenthesis within parenthesis, OK , I am drunk, dis regard that.))

No 4, In all likely hood she is not cheating, but she is lying to you and I would not take that standing up/lying down/planking or what ever way you take it. But that is just me.
 
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I'd consider it odd for my girlfriend to go out one on one with another guy regardless of the reason. Seems a bit odd really.
 

Mike Cash

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Exactly how high a hill does one have to stand on and exactly how large does the red flag need to be in order for you see it being vigorously waved?
 

Half-n-Half

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No 3, what kind of name is Nao? (OK, I am a little drunk right now, but if my wife went to dinner with a guy named Nao, I would kick his a$$ just b/c of that name. (Parenthesis within parenthesis, OK , I am drunk, dis regard that.))

I missed your drunken posts :).
 

jclark12

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His full name is Naoya, he is studying English here. She also has a friend called Nao (female) so I think she just thought I would presume she had 2 friends called that.

In the UK, this wouldn't normally be considered cheating (or bad), as long as it wasn't done in secret. My understanding from her is that Japanese guys don't allow it at all. Hence why I'm asking for info here.

I really like her and she did cry and apologise profusely when I questioned her on it, I did say I forgave her (although I probably should have made her suffer more), we have been fine the past 2 days but I just can't get this out of the back of my mind and it's doing my head in. It's further complicated by the fact she just moved in, it seems a stupid thing to do after 1 week of living together which makes me think it wasn't a date but I don't bloody understand women to be honest.
 

Mike Cash

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After seeing that "I probably should have made her suffer more" juvenile horsesh*t from you, if I had a chance to talk to her I'd tell her to pack her bags and get the hell away from you just as fast as her two little legs will carry her. Neither of you are mature enough to be playing house like grownups.
 

Trond

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I seem to be really understanding person so I would give her a second chance. Although she did 'cheat' anyways so she still did wrong, I don't see how it could be okay even if you knew. After the second chance anyway, I'd tell her to pack her bags and get out.
 

Alecksander

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What you really need to ask yourself is, can you trust her? I mean really think it over. If every time she goes out with her friends, will you be wondering if she is really meeting that guy or someone else in secret? If the answer is no you can't trust her, then end it quickly before you two get deeper. But if you feel you can trust her, talk to her about what you're feeling. Let her know it's not ok to lie or do things in secret, especially if you two are living together.

The thing that would make me end things, in my opinion and experiences in the past, is the fact that she burst into tears about the situation when you confronted her. She feels guilty for something. If she honestly felt the need to not tell you, which is a red flag in any culture or country, and really believed what she was doing was right, she wouldn't have started to cry and apologize profusely. In the end the decision is up to you but trust your instinct on this. There are plenty of other women who don't feel the need to lie. Good luck!
 
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After seeing that "I probably should have made her suffer more"... I'd tell her to pack her bags and get the hell away from you just as fast as her two little legs will carry her. Neither of you are mature enough to be playing house like grownups.

Agreed. Why would you try to make someone you are in a relationship with suffer? Set sail for fail.
 
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His full name is Naoya, he is studying English here. She also has a friend called Nao (female) so I think she just thought I would presume she had 2 friends called that.
In the UK, this wouldn't normally be considered cheating (or bad), as long as it wasn't done in secret. My understanding from her is that Japanese guys don't allow it at all. Hence why I'm asking for info here.
I really like her and she did cry and apologise profusely when I questioned her on it, I did say I forgave her (although I probably should have made her suffer more), we have been fine the past 2 days but I just can't get this out of the back of my mind and it's doing my head in. It's further complicated by the fact she just moved in, it seems a stupid thing to do after 1 week of living together which makes me think it wasn't a date but I don't bloody understand women to be honest.
Hey, my ex girlfriend when I was 19 cried for days pleading for me to take her back after she screwed another guy after we had a fight. Sorry, but I don't don't women back that cheat.

As for your situation, I don't care if she is Japanese and saying that it is frowned upon in Japan to see another guy. If my wife did not tell me she was going out with another guy, (Friend) I would have every reason to think she was cheating.
I missed your drunken posts :).
LOL! On the other hand admin don't like my drunken posts (Perfectly understandable). But on the topic of drunken posts, I usually am drunk when I post on most forums I frequent, just like now. It is 3:50pm and I am 5 beers down, with how ever many more it takes to pass out/ err fall asleep.
Lately, I have been drinking this beer due to my susceptibility to gout.
tanrei_w_500jpg_ex200x200s2r1-1.jpg
 

noyhauser

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LOL! On the other hand admin don't like my drunken posts (Perfectly understandable). But on the topic of drunken posts, I usually am drunk when I post on most forums I frequent, just like now. It is 3:50pm and I am 5 beers down, with how ever many more it takes to pass out/ err fall asleep.
Lately, I have been drinking this beer due to my susceptibility to gout.
tanrei_w_500jpg_ex200x200s2r1-1.jpg

I might be a lowly administrator, but I approve of Dave's drunken posts.
 

Wardibald

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If you really like her, I'd say, have a serious and long talk together. Don't hold back and tell her your questions and feelings. And obviously, listen to what she has to say. Sounds like a no-brainer, but listening to someone is an underrated skill in my experience.

Lying isn't cheating yet, but after a good talk, if you still get the feeling you can't trust her, I don't think there is a point to continuing the relationship. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, imho. Japanese, Nicaraguan; makes no difference afaic.
 
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Why not stop being such an ***-master clark ?

you have already thrown away an entire life because someone "cheated" on you.
and you're going to do it again?
this time based only on your own paranoia?

and whats with you making her suffer more?
that doesn't 'alf make you sound like a *****.
although having said that please do be aware that the tears and stuff were no doubt an act.

Women are women are women.
Grow up, and grow a pair.

she's not you're pet. and she's probably feeling somewhat isolated here in blighty.
If you want her to be happy then let her be. stop creating such drama for her and for yourself.

the whole - using the word she to try and catch her out and stalking her facebook.
there is a red flag there buddy, but it's you. it's in your mind.
(for a start it's not uncommon for people with english as a 2nd language to use she when they mean he)

So what, you made her cry,
and for what, because you thought she might have spent 2 hours with noa's diminutive yet surprisingly well girthed member in her face?
and even if she did so what? it's her body.
what difference does it really make to you?

you say you have had a mortgage etc. so you must be an adult,
why not try acting a little grown up about it?

Perhaps you should have looked into the Japanese "rules" on infidelity before you got started.
(think armed forces pre-open-gay "don't ask don't tell" it's not wrong if you don't get caught)

bottom dollar.
You can chose to be happy, or you can chose to be a paranoid git.
you can chose to trust her, and understand that monogamy is pitting a few hundered years of society against several millions of years of evolution, and if it does happen, understand that these things happen
or you can go out of your mind.

because if someone is determined to sleep with someone else without you knowing, they can.
It's not hard.
Why not put it into perspective.

Does she make anyone else dinner every night?
Does she do the washing and cleaning for any else?

focus on what you have, Focus on what is important.
Don't listen to the paranoid rantings of people on here who say things like,
"lying isn't cheating......yet"
screw that and screw tham.

you live once.
You get one go of this.
what are you gonna do with your day's?
worry about some crap that isn't even important, or let go. live your life...
and perhaps even...learn to love

love, accept,
accepting the faults and flaws,

you can listen to the huxters on here. (and i am no less one of them)
or you can be happy.

If you love her. Tell her you love her.
Don't be an *******
It's not like she hasn't had several guys bone her already before you even met.
you don't own her. and you don't owe her either.

be together if it is going to make you happy.
but be realistic. and let go of your paranoia.

should you stay with her?
you know the answer already. :)

good luck
 

Glenski

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You can look at it 2 ways.

The harsh way is to feel she may not have cheated (sexually) on you so far, but that it is headed in that direction.
The trusting way is to forgive, believe the tears, and see what else happens. She's been caught in a lie and will either be much more open about Naoya with you in the future, or she will be just the opposite. Personally, I don't know how to judge this, and there is so much more that we anonymous readers don't know that it is hard for me to say more.

She's lonely. Ok, how does she know this guy compared to a Japanese woman friends? In other words, why pick him instead? Did/Do they work together? Is she willing for you to meet him socially? Is it possible for you to look at things from her POV and guess just how "lonely" she really is (and why it wasn't you who took her out)?

FWIW, my J wife couldn't give any clear cut advice either. Too many unknowns.
 

Davey

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What's up with all the cursing....

We all feel a bit lonely when we live in another country so we tend to go out and search our fellow countrymen... especially Japanese. I wouldn't worry about it too much, instead ask him to come over to the house instead and just see what kind of guy he actually is... forbidding her to see him is another option but if I guess that would only scare her away.
 

thomas

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I might be a lowly administrator, but I approve of Dave's drunken posts.

I'm nothing but a lowly admin too, but I approve, support and welcome Dave's drink-posting wholeheartedly. Come on, Dave, have another one.

And Davey, I concur: what's with all that swearing and cursing? Definitely too many ******.
 

Kenjikun

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Oh! My girl went out with some guy who had a weird a** name. Boohoo what should I do?
Balls man, balls is all you need to do what you need to do.
 

Nerima

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I'd gag her off mate, quick sharp. You'll be doing yourself a MASSIVE favour in the long run.
 
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If her meeting was innocent, she should be willing to introduce you to her friend and invite you along when she has dinner with him
 

Davey

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I kind of wonder what the situation is now, but am afraid that he might not be posting here anymore :(
 
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