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Is it a good idea to get a DNA test for my toddler?

yellow

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Is it a good idea to get a secret DNA test for your toddler just to have piece of mind that he's yours?

Secretly without telling your partner. Not that I don't trust her just thought why shouldn't man have that 100% certainty like a woman. Obviously a woman would finish with you if she found out as it's a lack of trust and an insult to her.

Is it worth paying £100 to get one done?

I have found places which offer the test online.
 

Mike Cash

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Why is this in All Things Japanese?
 

PaulTB

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Why is this in All Things Japanese?
OP has confused this with "Dear Abby". Or maybe ... checks forum description ... this comes under 'personal stories'.

Dear Abby,

I (probably) live in Tokyo and (probably) have a Japanese partner. Of course I trust her. But, in the spirit of sexual equality, I want to be as sure as she is* that the kid is mine. I'm thinking about spending £100 on a shady internet site behind her back in what I acknowledge is an insult and breach of trust that could destroy our relationship.

Is this a good idea? CONFUSED IN (probably) TOKYO.

Dear Confused in Tokyo

What drugs are you on and where can I get them?

* In true spirit of equality, next time you get to have the baby.
 

Mike Cash

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Is it worth paying £100 to get one done?

How do you define "worth £100"?

Seriously. How?

I don't think you can begin to make an assessment of what it's "worth" without having given thought to what you intend to do with the information once you have it.

What will you do if it turns out not to be your kid?
 

yellow

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Once I know 100% he's mine great, which I am sure he is. If he isn't then we split up. You only have a limited time to do this before your little one speaks and might blurt out that daddy put a swab in his mouth. I just wondered if anyone else has used these tests and what they think of the idea.
They are legit tests; proper DNA testing company.
 

PaulTB

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You know, thinking about it, the only scenario I can think of that makes sense is that the OP is hoping that 100 pounds will buy him an excuse to dump his partner without triggering any residual sense of guilt he may have.

Toddler+double+face+palm_5b85e6_3333792.gif
 
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yellow

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You know, thinking about it, the only scenario I can think of that makes sense is that the OP is hoping that 100 pounds will buy him an excuse to dump his partner without triggering any residual sense of guilt he may have.

Toddler+double+face+palm_5b85e6_3333792.gif


My brother has asked if my son looks like me to my mother (when I was a toddler) and also I have heard my brother's girlfriend say there are plenty of children whose fathers aren't the fathers they think they are. I just thought it would give me peace of mind. I mean women know 100% that their child is theirs, why can't men have this certainty.

I have no desire to dump my girlfriend, but would of course if he wasn't mine. Imagine if you have a son whose 17, and you had a doubt. There's nothing you can do about it, but if he's 2 you can. So I thought why not just do it now.

i can show you the list of recommended online test centres
 

Mike Cash

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The kid would be better of without you, so let's hope he isn't yours. Do him a favor and spend the money.
 

Lothor

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I have no desire to dump my girlfriend, but would of course if he wasn't mine. Imagine if you have a son whose 17, and you had a doubt. There's nothing you can do about it, but if he's 2 you can. So I thought why not just do it now.
If I had a lived with a 'son' for 17 years and suddenly discovered that he was genetically not my son, I would be upset but still see him as my son. Some things count more than genetics.

Your info says that you are British. If you are racially non-Asian and the mother is Japanese, isn't it, like, obvious that the kid is yours if it shows characteristics of both races?
 

WonkoTheSane

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Unlike everyone else, I recommend you do it. Because if you don't you seem like the type of person for whom this will fester and eventually cause more pain to the whole family when it boils to the surface.

Frankly, though, I think it was an incredibly poor idea to have unprotected sex with someone you inherently distrust and with whom you were not ready to start a family. You should reevaluate your decision making process. You should also work through your issues with trust if you want this relationship to work.
 

Mike Cash

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Unlike everyone else, I recommend you do it.

Unlike almost everyone else...

Anybody who has little enough attachment and commitment to a toddler that he would abandon the toddler over something the toddler had no control over and no comprehension of is a reprehensible piece of **** the child would be well shut of and the sooner the better.
 

yellow

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Unlike almost everyone else...

Anybody who has little enough attachment and commitment to a toddler that he would abandon the toddler over something the toddler had no control over and no comprehension of is a reprehensible piece of **** the child would be well shut of and the sooner the better.


lots of attachment and commitment. Of course knowledge of the DNA result would affect anyone. But why as a man shouldn't I have that same certainty that a woman has?
 

yellow

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Unlike almost everyone else...

Anybody who has little enough attachment and commitment to a toddler that he would abandon the toddler over something the toddler had no control over and no comprehension of is a reprehensible piece of **** the child would be well shut of and the sooner the better.


Actually don't know if I would abandon him I don't know what I would do. How would most people react?
 

yellow

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Unlike everyone else, I recommend you do it. Because if you don't you seem like the type of person for whom this will fester and eventually cause more pain to the whole family when it boils to the surface.

Frankly, though, I think it was an incredibly poor idea to have unprotected sex with someone you inherently distrust and with whom you were not ready to start a family. You should reevaluate your decision making process. You should also work through your issues with trust if you want this relationship to work.

Don't distrust her, don't have festering feeling of distrust. Wanted to start a family with, glad i did. Just thought why not. Women know 100% why can't men!
 

yellow

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If I had a lived with a 'son' for 17 years and suddenly discovered that he was genetically not my son, I would be upset but still see him as my son. Some things count more than genetics.

Your info says that you are British. If you are racially non-Asian and the mother is Japanese, isn't it, like, obvious that the kid is yours if it shows characteristics of both races?

Sure, you could be right.
 

nice gaijin

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If you need the peace of mind go for it. You should tell your partner first though.

Think of it like cheating, if you know your partner would be upset if they found out whatever you're doing, maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

If you can't think of a way to talk to your partner about this, how are you going to handle problems in the future?
 

yellow

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If you need the peace of mind go for it. You should tell your partner first though.

Think of it like cheating, if you know your partner would be upset if they found out whatever you're doing, maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

If you can't think of a way to talk to your partner about this, how are you going to handle problems in the future?

Interesting point. Something to think about. But I disagree when you say it's like cheating. That would be worse morally. Doing this is more like creating sexual equality between men and women. Women know 100% that a baby's theirs, men don't have that luxury and this would then give men that same opportunity. And asking her when she would threaten to finish with me is stupid so just do it on the sly surely. I could do it without her knowing. Just can't let my son get too old as he would then speak too well and could tell her.
 

nice gaijin

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I didn't equate this to cheating, but I likened it to sneaking around behind your partner's back, which you're literally doing if you're concerned about your son ratting you out.

Rationalize it all you want, but it still makes you look like you don't trust your partner, and you're willing to abandon her and the child. If you don't have a valid reason to think she cheated, is that not enough for you? Face it, if you can't do it out in the open, YOU are being unfaithful (by lacking faith in your partner), and YOU are the one being deceptive (by trying to do this without her knowing).

I'm not saying I can't understand the desire to not be cuckolded, IF I found out that my partner had cheated on me and either knowingly or unknowingly tricked me into raising someone else's child, I would feel incredibly betrayed. However, it's possible to be so afraid of the possibility of something that is incredibly improbable that you could do something stupid that actually makes things worse. And in hindsight, it would have been completely unnecessary.

In other words, your desire to know something 100% could be jeopardizing the happy life you want with your family. Sure you might get away with it, but using the SAME logic you're using now, IF your partner found out you did this you know she would feel betrayed herself by your lack of faith. Knowing this, it's up to you if it's worth it.
 
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yellow

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I really don't get this. I wouldn't blame a woman for doing or anyone else. I can't be open about this because somethings in life you can't be open about; that's life isnt it?
I am sure she does a few sneaky things, so what! But i have to make a decision on this soon, my son is two and will speak soon.
 

WonkoTheSane

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I really don't get this. I wouldn't blame a woman for doing or anyone else. I can't be open about this because somethings in life you can't be open about; that's life isnt it?
I am sure she does a few sneaky things, so what! But i have to make a decision on this soon, my son is two and will speak soon.
Your son isn't speaking at all at 2 years old?
 
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I join those who recommend you do this. Based on what you're said, you'll always wonder, and it makes a difference to you, so go for it.

I would think that at two years old, the child would have already bonded with you, and vice versa, but hey, people are different.
 

mdchachi

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It will get done sooner or later so may as well do it now. By the time he comes of age, DNA testing for genealogical and other purposes will be extremely widespread.
So I would do it but I would link it to ancestry (ie you can use the tests from ancestry.com or others). So rather than simply confirming his parentage you can get started on genealogy which in the long run will be more valuable your family.
 

liftedblocks

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why would you think that the child is not yours? if i was your wife i would really feel disappointed and would think that you are accusing me of adultery.
But if it would make you feel better to have his DNA tested, then go ahead.
 
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