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How we deal with relationship problems

Deviations

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20 Feb 2007
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I just read an article over the weekend that gave me some insight on the way men and women try to solve relationship problems.

To paraphrase (and generalize), women like to discuss problems at length but men really only are interested in changing behavior. that concept is pretty familiar to anyone who has read the whole Mars/Venus stuff, but what was new to me was the assertion that men experience high levels of anxiety when forced to discuss relationship problems.

The technique that women use to 'tend and mend', actually makes men feel worse about themselves and their partner!

This rings very true to me, how does it sound to the rest of you?
 
Basically I tend to brake up when it comes to a point when the problems outway the fun but at the moment I am going through some seroiuos emotional questions so who knows what I will do.^^
 
^ lol!

Personally I find it really difficult to talk about my feelings and stuff like that. But I guess sometimes it has to be done. 😌
 
I swear that I'd rather be tazed than rehash the same topic for an hour. She feels like we are bonding, I feel like I've been abused. Is that against the Geneva Convention?
 
How it goes for me is I will be with the same person for several years, and as the relationship slowly sours she begans to become more abusive and inuslting of the very essence of who I am, lets say, the fact she is Japanese from Tokyo and I am white from a poxy **** little city in Scotland, and somehow my life is inferior to the greatness of being a white trophy doll in Tokyo, she will nag me to drop my life to come be an English teacher in Japan, totaly disregardiong reality or my financial situation or other plans.

Eventually it will get to the stage where I will dread her comming on MSN, because she will want me to sit there for the better chunk of a day while she picks apart every last thread of my existance, and slowly makes me feel like a worthless human being.

Eventually she ignores me for weeks on end (after a year or two of actually openly informing me of her crushes and stuff, and pretending to have other guys) and then comes back expecting me to come crawling, I tell her to piss off, and break it off.


Women dont talk out and discuss relationships, they beat you down with verbal abuse and they tell you what is apparently wrong and they tell you how to make things better (for her).

Men dont care about all that stuff, we figure "hey, were with the woman we love, great, thats all that matters", but many women, even if they do love you, seem to have this elaborate mental plan on how exactly a relationship goes, and if it doesnt go exactly the way they want it, they start taking it out on you. Men also serve as convenient punch-bags for them.



Lawl, sounding a bit harsh, but I think the point stands.

Women seem to have complex ideas about how a relationship is, and if it doesnt match it exactly, they got to feel something is seriously wrong and then discuss it, when the only thing wrong is her flawed idea that relationships can be planned in such complex detail.

Your with the man you love, Jesus Christ, just be happy you have him and get on with it. :/


I dont mind conversation with women, but it should be real conversation, when it gets to the point where she wants to spend 2 hours picking apart the "suspicous" fact I didnt say thankyou for a cup of tea this morning, thats when I want to get up and leave.


I'm with Moffeltoff, unless I'm seriously involved (like with my Japanese ex) I dont stick around when she starts making everythnig a problem.

I dont want to be changed, I dont want to be fighting over ****, if its just a casual relationship, I'm in it for only a few specific reasons.

A) I like her B) I have fun with her C) I enjoy our (eventual) sexual relations and D) we can hang out and talk and stuff and its not being taken so seriously. My ideal woman would be someone I could chill with like a friend. if we start fallnig in lvoe and it becomes serious feelings, great, we can take it slowly, but either way, dont even try planning it like operation overlord, because that will just put me right off.
 
^ lol!
Personally I find it really difficult to talk about my feelings and stuff like that. But I guess sometimes it has to be done. 😌
Usually I can tell how he's feeling when he asks me to change a specific behavior, like getting off the phone in 20 minutes instead of 70 or not asking stupid questions 😊 but will also go the other mile by making a thoughtful gesture himself. It gets to the same point as saying your impatience directly but provides much more immediate, effective and long lasting pain relief, in my experience at least. When we do get angry, it is from a misunderstanding. He jumps to conclusions without listening a lot more than I do....😌
 
Women dont talk out and discuss relationships, they beat you down with verbal abuse and they tell you what is apparently wrong and they tell you how to make things better (for her).

Men dont care about all that stuff, we figure "hey, were with the woman we love, great, thats all that matters", but many women, even if they do love you, seem to have this elaborate mental plan on how exactly a relationship goes, and if it doesnt go exactly the way they want it, they start taking it out on you.

I could not agree more. Something about the nest never being quite perfect. The best part is how they react when you tell them how you feel about some of their behaviors. 'Krakatoa East of Java' comes to mind.
 
I could not agree more. Something about the nest never being quite perfect. The best part is how they react when you tell them how you feel about some of their behaviors. 'Krakatoa East of Java' comes to mind.

Krakatoa is actually west of Java.
 

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nurizeko said:
Women seem to have complex ideas about how a relationship is, and if it doesnt match it exactly, they got to feel something is seriously wrong and then discuss it, when the only thing wrong is her flawed idea that relationships can be planned in such complex detail.
Well, didn't you know we, the women, are constantly trying to improve relationships by educating ourselves from reading Cosmopolitan or seeking advice by writing to 'Dear Abby'? And, it is extremely disappointing when nothing goes the way it appeared to be in the magazines!

Thus, you get 'Krakatoa East of Java' reaction from us.
 
Your with the man you love, Jesus Christ, just be happy you have him and get on with it. :/

^ Haha... I love that attitude. 👍

I think some people seem to look for problems where none exist. ☝ Luckily I am not that type of person. :) I think it makes my life happier and benefits to relationships too! 😄

I think communication and honesty are important, but it's more about feeling like you can be open with each other, and if there's something that's bothering you and you want to ask a question or whatever, to be able to come out and say it instead of bottling things up and fretting about some little molehill thing that you've built up in your mind into a mountain.

I am naturally an honest person in the sense that I don't tell lies, but I would not say that I am a very expressive person. 😌 So it's actually my bf who is usually asking the questions about how do I feel on something, and about 'big' issues, but that's fine with me. I am like, 'If there is something you don't understand or you have a question to me or something on your mind, feel free to ask it'... and that works fine for us, because I'm aware that I'm not always 'easy to read'.

IMO, as long as we both feel comfortable to talk, that's cool, and in fact that entirely takes the pressure off and we don't feel any need to unpick a load of things that aren't even going wrong.

A) I like her B) I have fun with her C) I enjoy our (eventual) sexual relations and D) we can hang out and talk and stuff and its not being taken so seriously. My ideal woman would be someone I could chill with like a friend.

I think you have it absolutely... I can't imagine having a relationship lasting any length of time with someone unless they were my friend too. Otherwise it's really just sex, isn't it? And even great sex doesn't make a 'relationship'. You have to like other things about the person! 😆
 
Well, didn't you know we, the women, are constantly trying to improve relationships by educating ourselves from reading Cosmopolitan or seeking advice by writing to 'Dear Abby'? And, it is extremely disappointing when nothing goes the way it appeared to be in the magazines!
Thus, you get 'Krakatoa East of Java' reaction from us.
It's actually genetically inbred for women to be more selective if they don't want to be left to raise their children alone after the man who fathered them either abandons the family or doesn't acknowledge paternity. Men may have a social or emotional investment in intimate relationships, a lot of cultural factors come into play, but it's ultimately women in most cases that are forced to bear the brunt of a poor decision. :)
 
Thats another thing, hoping you will be able to change a man to suddenly wanting to give you children at the tender age of 21 isnt on.

I remember me and my ex had a pregnancy scare once......you should have seen how cold and total lack of intimacy occured.

I'm more worried in that case of her running off with the kids, even though I have no interest in the little nooblets anytime soon.
 
Well, didn't you know we, the women, are constantly trying to improve relationships by educating ourselves from reading Cosmopolitan or seeking advice by writing to 'Dear Abby'? And, it is extremely disappointing when nothing goes the way it appeared to be in the magazines!
Thus, you get 'Krakatoa East of Java' reaction from us.

Classic example - Jessica Simpson watches a movie (The Notebook) and decides she needs to end her relationship.
 
Are people really so easily-led? :eek:

Or maybe I'm just cushioned on a gorgeous cloud of oblivion from the media. 😍 ....... :eek:
 
I think there are quite a few people out there who are that easily led.

Worse than that example, think of how many people buy products because of her endorsements? (a little off thread topic)



To several earlier comments, I used to think that loving the girl was enough. I was dis-abused of that notion and am no longer so naive.
 
i think the scene from Futurama where they meet the "Mom's Friendly Robot Corporation" Love-bot, designed to be the partner women dream of, sums it up nicely:

love-bot: "My two favourite things are commitment and changing myself"

i remember reading some crazy psychology stats about showing that, when polled, what women look for in a boyfriend, and what they look for in a husband, they are totally different sets of criteria!
 
It's actually genetically inbred for women to be more selective if they don't want to be left to raise their children alone after the man who fathered them either abandons the family or doesn't acknowledge paternity. Men may have a social or emotional investment in intimate relationships, a lot of cultural factors come into play, but it's ultimately women in most cases that are forced to bear the brunt of a poor decision. :)

interesting point elizabeth,

I believe it has to do with the amount of energy and food a woman's body requires to incubate a child... its a much higher biological cost than for a man, so she has to more discerning when selecting a mate. thats not to say that men dont have role at these times, its just that the role isnt purely biological, but more sociological... just as women have a huge maternal instinct to nurture, men have a huge paternal instinct to protect and provide for the incubating mother... this need in male psychology is why knowing for absolutely sure that who the father is is so important to men.

it saddens me that so many men nowadays shirk their paternal duties... its ironic that men's original role was to provide for the mother while she was unable to hunt/farm for herself meant they had to be able to hold them selves physically and emotionally aloof... when this drive for distance is what gives so many men the urge to abandon their offspring and partner.

in fact, if we look at the socio-biological timescale of humanity we find that the human brain is, behaviourly, programmed along the lines of a stone-age model... its very much a case of our mental and technological speed of advancement massively outpacing the speed at which organisms' behaviours can evolve.

many theorists suggest that this disparity is why of all species mankind seems to be one which is at least harmony with its environment and within itself... that this is the root of our general badtemperedness, warlikeness and inability to get through a week with our boy/girlfriends without an argument.

but hey, thats just what I can remember of my university lectures on the topic ;)
 
Hmm..in this case, i would drag him to the room and talk to him..hehe..i believe that couples need to sort out their differences and also the willingness to listen and change or to accept our weaknesses. Its all depend on how much you love that person.
 
I try to work things out with my girlfriends. It's sad to say this, but last year I walked away from this woman who had a cutting problem. I told her I would be there for her if she would just tell me when she felt like doing it, and she never did. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone when they do that crap.

I've put ciggies out on my skin. I understand how it feels to feel that bad. I wanted to help her so badly, but she was a lost cause to me. Better that I just cut ties with her than harm myself, right? It hurt seperating myself from her. Forcing yourself to be numb is not fun.

Oh, and then there was this woman a couple months ago. Made everything a problem, and wanted to talk about kids with me. What the hell? Look at my age and see why that would be a problem.
 
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