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Help with sakubun

giuliafra91

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Hi everyone, on Thursday I'm having a really important exam and part of this exam is to write a sakubun on a random topic. We have 4 topics to write brief sakubuns about, and this will be evaluated during the exam. I wrote all of them but I need to make sure they're correct. I know it's much to ask to read 4 sakubuns, but it would be really helpful. They're all made by simple sentences. Thank you very much!
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giuliafra91

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Sorry i posted in the wrong section. Is it possible to move it in the right one?
 

Toritoribe

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I moved your thread.
It's impossible to quote each sentence from pictures. I added corrections in the written order. Please ask if it's unclear what part I'm talking about.

The first composition;
It's more natural to add あと or それと before 猫.
両親 is more appropriate.
There is a typo in イタリア人てす.
You can't use honorifics for your in-group members, thus, ブルノさん is inappropriate. Also, ブルーノ is more common for Bruno.
高いではありません is ungrammatical. 高い is an i-adjective, not na-adjective.
モニカさん is inappropriate, either.
Your mother is not male.
落ち着いたです is ungrammatical.
There is a typo in 作くこと.
は is more appropriate for contrast.
レティジャさん is inappropriate, either.
妹は私より若いです。 is obvious. 妹, i.e., your younger sister can't be older than you. You don't need to say it.
低い can mean that another thing than the height is low, e.g., your younger sister's income is lowest in your family. 背が低い is more appropriate.
You don't need to use two nominalizers in 絵を書くのこと. The kanji 描く is used for "to draw/paint a picture".
は is more appropriate for contrast also in this sentence.
The particle is wrong, and a article is lost in 彼女が鼠嫌いです.
The subject is unclear in the last sentence.
 

giuliafra91

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thank you very much for your answer! for what concerns the other ones, are they correct?
 

Toritoribe

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No. There are so many mistakes as well. It's too many to point out at once. Aren't you going to correct the first composition, by the way?
 

giuliafra91

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yes, I have already made corrections:emoji_grinning: are there so many mistakes?
 

Toritoribe

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Can you show us the revised version?
Yes, so many.
 

giuliafra91

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here it is. I added some sentences because I have to reach a minimum of 300. may you please tell me about the other ones? you would really help me.
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Toritoribe

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This is not mentioned previously, but 全員 is more appropriate than 両親と妹と私.
You ignored my advice about 低い.
The long horizontal line of hiragana "mi" is not tilted.
The two lines are too tilted in い.
父はかみが短く黒いです can be interpreted that he has short hair and he is black.
古い is not used for people's age.
You misunderstand the position of the dot in hiragana "ra".
There is a typo in 楽しです.
There is only one dot on the upper side of 楽, not three.
作くること is still wrong.
You misunderstand my advice about が vs. は. 上手ですは is ungrammatical.
You missed a particle in 妹高校生です.
You ignored my advice about 低い also here.
が is not correct in 妹のかみが.
You misunderstand my advice about が vs. は also here.
You ignored my advice about 書く.
書く上手ですは is ungrammatical.
You ignored my advice about 彼女が鼠嫌いです.
There is a typo in 英を.
What you wrote is でさます.
The hook(hane) in the third stroke of き/さ is too large. No hook is better than too large hook.

Now you can see why I asked you to show us the revised version, right? It seems to me that it's too much to you to give corrections of other three compositions at once, no?
 

giuliafra91

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I'm sorry I didn't mean to ignore your advices, I must have misunderstood. I know it's much but I need as much corrections I can, and talking to you is a great opportunity to learn and make my mistakes right. as I said my exam is in one day and I need to present them the best I can. for what concerns the first correction in your last post, I just copied it from my book, I thought it was right. what word can I use to define "old"? and why is "tsukuru koto ga" wrong?
 

Toritoribe

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I need to present them the best I can
You couldn't write the right version of the first composition even after getting my corrections. I wonder if the revised version after getting corrections can be the best version you can in the first place, though...

what word can I use to define "old"?
The dictionary is your friend.
oldの意味 - goo辞書 英和和英

why is "tsukuru koto ga" wrong?
Read more carefully what you wrote. It's not "tsukuru koto".
 
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