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Help proofing and improving this translation please!

Rodpastor

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This is a little personal letter meant to accompany a domo-kun plushie. I wanted to proof and improve if necessary the Japanese translation. Also feel free to edit and improve the original English version as long as the meaning remains the same.

Thank you all!

Japanese Text:

このどーもくんがかわいくて買ったんだ。
君のように、かわいくて。
…もちろん君ほどかわいくないけどな^ ^

ちょっとお願いがある。いいかな?

君が「チレロ」な人で、
君には頼れる人がいること。
君が大切な人で、
君のことをずっと思う人がいること。
このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出して欲しいな。


English:


This DOMO-kun was cute, so I bought it. / DOMO-kun is cute,
Cute like you...
...but of course, not cuter than you! / ...but of course not as cute as you!

I have a little request. Can I ask it of you?

You are "chilero",
You have someone you can rely on.
You are important,
And you have someone who is always thinking of you.
Every time you look at this DOMO-kun I hope you can be reminded of these things.
 

lanthas

 
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What does チレロ mean? Does she know? (it's not in the dictionary)

"Every time X, Y" is expressed as XたびY. ~て欲しい means "I want you to", not "I hope you will" as in the English version.

I'd leave out the two こと's after いる and instead write それを思い出して at the end.

Good luck :)
 

Toritoribe

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このどーもくんがかわいくて買ったんだ。
かわいかったからこのどーもくん買ったんだ。
もちろん君ほどかわいくないけどな
もちろん君ほどじゃないけどね
ちょっとお願いがある。いいかな?
ちょっとお願いがあるんだけど、いいかな?
このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出して欲しいな。
このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出してくれるといいな
(に is not always necessary.)

Is どーもくん a character of NHK? "DOMO-kun is cute like you", hmmm, is this a word of praise?
 

Rodpastor

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かわいかったからこのどーもくん買ったんだ。

もちろん君ほどじゃないけどね

ちょっとお願いがあるんだけど、いいかな?

このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出してくれるといいな
(に is not always necessary.)

Is どーもくん a character of NHK? "DOMO-kun is cute like you", hmmm, is this a word of praise?
Yeah it's NHK's character! It's a private joke but yes, is a word of praise. Could you please explain me what are your edits ?? Thank you for replying ! :)
 

Rodpastor

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What does チレロ mean? Does she know? (it's not in the dictionary)

"Every time X, Y" is expressed as XたびY. ~て欲しい means "I want you to", not "I hope you will" as in the English version.

I'd leave out the two こと's after いる and instead write それを思い出して at the end.

Good luck :)
I'm having trouble understanding your suggestions. Sorry but my japanese is pretty lame. Could you please expand?

Thank you for answering :)
 

Toritoribe

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このどーもくんがかわいくて買ったんだ。 sounds like explaining why to buy something else than どーもくん.

To avoid repeating かわいい and sounding rude. See the difference.
もちろん君ほどじゃないけどね
もちろんお前ほどじゃないけどな

To connect the two sentences naturally.

If I say どーもくんみたいにかわいい to my wife, she must get angry...
どーもくんみたいにかわいいってどういうことよ!あたしあんなにずん胴?あんなに目がちっちゃい?あんなに口大きい?あんなに毛むくじゃらだって言いたいの??!!
 

Rodpastor

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このどーもくんがかわいくて買ったんだ。 sounds like explaining why to buy something else than どーもくん.

To avoid repeating かわいい and sounding rude. See the difference.
もちろん君ほどじゃないけどね
もちろんお前ほどじゃないけどな

To connect the two sentences naturally.

If I say どーもくんみたいにかわいい to my wife, she must get angry...
どーもくんみたいにかわいいってどういうことよ!あたしあんなにずん胴?あんなに目がちっちゃい?あんなに口大きい?あんなに毛むくじゃらだって言いたいの??!!
Haha I'm a disaster but I'm still no getting it! What's all that japanese at the end of your post? Why would she get angry??

Sorry but I don't know almost anything about Japanese.
 

Rodpastor

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A translator I contacted through the internet. I want to make sure that the translation is legit before sending the gift.

Are you Japanese? How does it look to you?
 

Toritoribe

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The translation is not bad. They are fluent in Japanese (but obviously not a native Japanese speaker). The point is that you are comparing her with どーもくん, not the trivial issues in the translation. かわいい "Cute" sounds like sarcastic in that context.
 

Rodpastor

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The translation is not bad. They are fluent in Japanese (but obviously not a native Japanese speaker). The point is that you are comparing her with どーもくん, not the trivial issues in the translation. かわいい "Cute" sounds like sarcastic in that context.
Oh I see, I thought domo-kun was considered kawaii. Is he considered ugly or something??
Thank you for helping me out!
 

lanthas

 
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To paraphrase Toritoribe's wife's hypothetical reaction, Domo-kun has tiny eyes, a huge mouth with pointy teeth, a very straight (male) waist, and is covered in fur - characteristics that are most definitely not cute when applied to a girl/woman. As a result "You're cuter than Domo-kun" isn't much of a compliment.

このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出してくれるといいな
(に is not always necessary.)
Didn't know that, thank you. :)
 

Rodpastor

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Oh thank you for clarifying that lanthas!

So just to be sure the fnial version should look like this ??

かわいかったからこのどーもくん買ったんだ。

君のように、かわいくて。

…もちろん君ほどじゃないけどね ^ ^

ちょっとお願いがあるんだ けど、いいかな?

君が「チレロ」な人で、
君には頼れる人がいること。
君が大切な人で、
君のことをずっと思う人がいること。

このどーもくんを見るたび、思い出してくれるといいな。
 

Toritoribe

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Er, does that mean you think you don't need to consider if she might get angry after receiving such a letter regardless of our advise?
 

Rodpastor

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Er, does that mean you think you don't need to consider if she might get angry after receiving such a letter regardless of our advise?
Yes, it might sound crazy but it's kind of a joke. It's for a boy not a girl by the way. He likes Domo and considers it kawaii, he won't get angry. I also know it's not customary to call men kawaii but he won't get angry for that either.

If you please could paste below how the whole thing would look like once proofed, I would really appreciate it since I'm kind in the dark when it comes to Japanese and I don't trust my ability to assemble the individual changes. Thank you very much!
 
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Mike Cash

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Is the person you are sending this to Japanese?
 

Toritoribe

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Is he fluent in Japanese?
 

Mike Cash

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I know firsthand he speaks Japanese and can read it but can't tell if he is fluent or not.
Is the message too complex?
No, but you've been totally wasting everybody's time here.
 

lanthas

 
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Well, this thread took quite a surprising turn :D. I was sure you were a guy about to send a gift to a Japanese girl.

Since the person you're sending this to is in fact not Japanese, there's hardly as much need to tweak the message to perfection. Especially so if he's aware that you basically know nothing about the language, as you said yourself. Since you're sure that he won't mind being called "kawaii", and assuming that he knows what チレロ/"chilero" means (I don't), you can just send it as it is.
 

Toritoribe

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there's hardly as much need to tweak the message to perfection.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. Actually, the translation is written as a letter from a man to a girl/woman. You need to change the tone of the sentences completely (second personal pronoun, sentence final particles, etc. etc.), but it's useless to revise it if the recipient is not a (nearly) native Japanese speaker. I believe he can't catch the difference in nuance.
 

Rodpastor

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Oh ok thank you all for your help, I just wanted to make it right. Didn't mean to waste anybody's time. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and didn't know that all the edits you suggested were that hard to appreciate.
 
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