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got any jokes?

seeing as its halloween:

Q. What do you call a ghost that haunts a townhall at night?

A. A night mayor

Sorry haha...
So theres two guys in a nudist conlony sitting on wicker chairs. One guys like have you read marx? The other guys like no, it must be the wicker chairs.

This one guy goes to a costume party.
The host of the party asks, "what are you dressed up as?"
The other guy responds," I'm supposed to be a snail."
Host: "Well, whats that girl doing on your back?"
Guy; "Thats my shell."
Originally posted by eimik
Watch it lady!

Youre gonna die from pimple cancer


Speaking of cancer I have malignant skin cancer on the left side of my neck behind my ear. I'm not joking, I have to get parts of it removed in seven days but I don't care if I die so I might just sit at home, drink a beer and translate another japanese adult video into english.


Good luck under the knife, Josh.

About jokes... ahh. :)

A guy goes to buy tobacco and finds a "WARNING! SMOKING CAN CAUSE IMPOTENCE!" message on his pack.
He reads it, turns to the clerk and asks:

Can you trade me this pack with one that only warns me about death? :D

Well, in Portuguese is a lot funnier. :)
You're Safe !!

Don't worry Josh, "Only The Good Die Young" so you should hit a 100 no problem! Gotta start using that #100 sun screen block though.
You hear about the lawer driving along in his big expensive limo who sees a couple guys on the side of the road eatting grass. He has his chauffer stop and he gets out to ask why the guys are eatting grass. They tell him they have no money and are soooo hungry. He says that's terrible and loads his car up with them and their wifes and kids. They all hop in the limo and one of the kids say are we going to a big resturant?
The lawyer says hell no, the grass at his house is 2 feet tall and he hates to pay for mowing!

Originally posted by ghettocities
Speaking of cancer I have malignant skin cancer on the left side of my neck behind my ear. I'm not joking, I have to get parts of it removed in seven days but I don't care if I die so I might just sit at home, drink a beer and translate another japanese adult video into english.

Ahh, fuckk it.

I sincerely apologize about that.
Originally posted by eimik
Ahh, fuckk it.

I sincerely apologize about that.

I don't care dude, I'm the smart one that goes to the tanning beds even though I have to get cancer removed on Thursday hahaha.

Fashion over function,


Originally posted by ghettocities
I don't care dude, I'm the smart one that goes to the tanning beds even though I have to get cancer removed on Thursday hahaha.

Fashion over function,


Hey, if you do die under the kniffe at least you know you'll die with a killer tan! XD
Annie Buddy? Annie Wan? Noe Wan? Sum Buddy?

Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan?

Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori : Im Sori.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori : Im Sori!!

Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!

Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.

Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody." how bout that!?
A little old but still funny. This is old Abott and Castello bit, but done by Bush and Condi Rice:

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Ok, now my joke: I like long winded jokes, so you'll have to bare with me on this one:

So the other day I was out golfing when I see this Frog hop in front of me. The Frog stares at me for a while, and suddenly burst out.

"9 Iron"

First I had to collect my thoughts because I couldn't believe this frog was actually talking. So I go, "Wah?"

Frog: "9 Iron".

You want me to tee off with a 9 Iron....On a Par 4 course? So I ignored it and grabbed my 9 Wood.

Frog: "9 Iron".

Alright, Alright..I'll tee off with a 9 Iron. So I did just that, and as the ball was sailing accross the sky. This wind suddenly came up and carried it all the way to the green.

So naturally in my excited state, I ran there. And frog jump along following me. As I was about to grab my putter. The frog goes:

"Sand Wedge"

A Sand Wedge...on the green. But then I thought about the 9 Iron. And I grab my sand wedge to putt.

Bingo! Right in the hole. First time I've ever shot a birdy in my life.

I stare down at the frog and said. Well do you have any other suprises for me?

Frog: "Vegas"

Vegas? You want me to go to Vegas? Ok!

So I grab the frog, put it in my pocket, and took a cab to the Airport. I booked the first flight to Las Vegas. Landed. Stepped outside.

Ok, now what?

Frog: "Ceasers"

Ceaser's Palace? Ok!

So I hailed another cab. Rode to Ceasers. Stepped inside. Looked down at the frog.

Frog: "Roulette"

So I step to the first Roulette table. Stared down at the frog.

Frog: "Black 29"

I'm getting excited about this, so I decide to wager everything I owned on Black 29.

The guy spins the Roulette wheel..It's making its round and round...AND
Bingo! Black 29.

So now I'm officially a Millionare. The first thing I do with my new fortune is to rent the penthouse at Ceasers.

So I go upstairs. Sit down on my HUGE penthouse bed. Take out the frog from my pocket. Laid it down on the bed, and said, "Well, you've done all this for me, is there anything I can do for you?"

Frog: "Kiss Me"

I stare at it for a few seconds, not saying a word. But then I figure why not, I've done worst!

So I bend down to kiss it. And BAM! The frog turns into this Beautiful 15 year old girl.

So anyway, I told the judge that's how the 15 year old girl got in my room.

Good one, Pete :D

Me gots one as well.

In a train an American, a Russian and a British man sit in a compartment right next to a farmer who has a suitcase in the baggage rack above his seat.
Suddenly, it starts dripping from the suitcase. The American, the Russian and the British start a duscussion about what it is that's dripping there out of the farmer's suitcase.
First, the American goes, holds his head below the suitcase such as to drink of the dripping liquid. After tasting enough, he says: "That's Whiskey!"
Then, the Russian goes, tastes of the dripping liquid as well and states, "No, that's Wodka!"
Finally, the British man goes to taste of the liquid as well. "You are both wrong! That's definitely Sherry!"
Then, the farmer speaks up: "No Whiskey, Wodka, Sherry! Piss of my foxterri!" (fox terrier)
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

This one got misplaced so it's reposted :sorry:

If computer errors were written as haikus

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
"How NOT to answer a medical exam" joke

I wrote a couple of these myself 👍 :


Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of fine paintings

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Benign - what you be after you be eight

Bowel - letters like a, e, i, o, u

Caesarian Section - a district in Rome

Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing

Carpal - someone who gives you a free lift

Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow

Coma - punctuation mark

Cyst - short form of sister

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana

Dislocation - in this place

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans

Enema - not a friend

False Labor - pretending to work

Genes - blue denim

Gluten - ten tubes of glue

Groin - crush and mash

Hernia - she is close by

Humerus - quite funny

Impotent - distinguished / well-known

Labor Pain - hurt at work

Lactose - people without feet

Lymph - walk unsteadily

Menopause - I refuse to wait

Microbes - small dressing gowns

Obesity - City of Obe

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Patella - female Gujarati
(Explanation: Patel is a common Gujarati surname - DaMo )

Protein - in favor of teenagers

Pulse - foodgrains

Pus - small cat

Red Blood Count - Dracula

Rupture - ecstasy

Secretion - hiding anything

Subcutaneous - not cute enough

Tablet - small table

Tumor - extra pair (Two More)

Ultrasound - radical noise

Urine - when you窶决e not out

Varicose - very near

Vas deferens - very different

Vein - at what time?

Vitreous Humor - both witty and funny


Oh, that was a riot and a half :D
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W. Renwick

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said; "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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