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Girlfriend studying in Japan for 1 year. Should I be worried?

Genzou

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Hi,

My GF of three and a half years is now going into japan, to study for one year, and I am kinda worried.
I am not the jealous kinda type either, but this happened all of a sudden, supposedly on a whim with no planning at all.

She knows japanese fluently and she will have no problem getting along because she has many friends at various locations and cities within Japan. She is outgoing, well spoken, well mannered, and all that. You know, I love her with all my heart.

Thus I am all the more worried. She's only been there for what, three weeks tops, at a time and never for a period as long as one school year. That is a lot. She has not said anything to me directly but I can see in the corner of her eye that our relationship somehow is not what it used to be.

I wonder if she ever got tired of me and is just using this as an excuse to get away from me and from us. I can't help but feeling something is going on. I know she is going though. She is not a liar.

I mean what do you think? How would you react in this kind of situation?

Thanks for any help I really need to hear some kind words right now.
 

Mike Cash

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I'd like to help you but yesterday my cat knocked my crystal ball off the shelf and broke it.

You've been dating her for years, but we're supposed to be better judges of what she might do just because we're in the same country with her?
 

Genzou

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Not nesecerally.
Yet not unnesseceraly. I mean you live there right?
That has got to have some kind of bearing.
 

nice gaijin

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Years ago, I was in a similar situation, except it was me going to Japan. She even gave me an out, asking if I thought we should break up before I go; I wouldn't hear of it! I thought that our feelings were enough to keep the relationship afloat. It didn't work out very well, and I regret my selfishness in putting her through that.

Unless you both have an understanding and a long-term plan, and are willing to put yourselves through the rigors of a long distance relationship, it's not fair to either one of you to force your (already stressed?) relationship onto this new development. Let her have this experience and if it's meant to be you'll find each other again, but I guarantee you this year is going to change the people you are, and it's less likely to bring you closer together. Unless both parties are totally on board and willing to put in the extra work necessary to maintain a long distance relationship, it's just going to be a source of frustration for you both.

I wonder if she ever got tired of me and is just using this as an excuse to get away from me and from us.
FYI, This makes you look incredibly self-centered. If you really love her then let her go.
 

Genzou

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Of course, I am questioning our relationship to the point where I am asking myself if it is really worth holding onto. Or if I should move on. I hold no obligation whatsoever and even before she goes I am questioning it. Does it mean that she has betrayed me? No.
Does it mean that she should stop all her plans? Well, no.

It just means that we will be apart for a while. That is all.
 

OoTmaster

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Best way to find out is to voice your concerns with her. This comes off as all very self centered on your part. I mean you're allowed to be, but unless you voice your concerns maybe she has no idea that you have them. She's not a mind reader. If she cares about you she'll listen to your concerns and she might reconsider. I would say it would be good for you to consider what it all means to her and how helpful it will be in moving forward her goals. Also if moving forward her goals align with your combined goals.
 

Mike Cash

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I just noticed you're 47. I would have sworn you were 17.
 

Glenski

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This might sound like a really stupid question, but what have you told her, and what response did she give?

You're 47, in a relationship for 3 years, and your girlfriend just "suddenly" decided to up and move to a faraway land where she speaks the local language. Plus, "she has many friends at various locations and cities within Japan". C'mon, my friend, what was the reason she gave? What will she do here? Has she said you can come and visit? Do you know her friends here? What does she do for a living now? How old is she?

Like Mike, my tarot cards are misplaced, so I have no way of knowing what you two have gone through in those 3 years, nor what is on her mind. The suddenness of her choice is the only indication of her feelings, but that's not enough. Frankly, this is way too little information for anyone to help you.
 

Mike Cash

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Where I come from, any lady around your age who had been dating a guy for 3 1/2 years with no marriage proposal would tell the guy to "shït or get off the pot".
 

Genzou

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Well obviously if you did not know it's a typo. I am actually 27.
 

Glenski

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Obviously, we didn't know, and to miss the 2 and hit something 2 keys away suggests your eyesight or muscular coordination are pretty bad. That you didn't catch the mistake means you're not very careful. The grammatical structure of your sentence is pretty bad, so communication is in doubt.

I wonder why your gf wants to leave suddenly.
 

Genzou

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She did not say it outright but i think we both knew what she was thinking at that very moment she decided going to study abroad. I mean we both knew the significance it would bear on our relationship.

You know, I do not hate her for it. It is just one of those things that she has decided on her own without any thought or consideration on my part. And i kind of feel left out.

I just want to make the best of it, you know. Without breaking up.
 

tomoni

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Well, since you asked

I think you already know what’s going on and you can sense it-so why kid yourself?

Usually in the situations your intuition is right so rather than ask us why not ask her but be prepared for the answer that you don’t want to hear-because you’re pretty sure it’s coming and you’re coming here for reassurance-but as you can see you’re not likely to get it.

No offense intended, but you’re asking the wrong people-rather than second-guessing - ask her and accept whatever answer she gives-

And I’m pretty sure you already know what the answer is -so bite the bullet and get it done. Good luck
 

S.K.

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Maybe it's just the people around me but I've never witnessed a long distance relationship not end in breakup after a few weeks or months. Out of sight, out of mind.
 

HanSolo

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Go join her from time to time, OP. You're from Norway, I'm sure you've got the spare cash.
The odds of her finding a romantic replacement being in Japan and deciding to stay there are less (note the number of male expats here vs female), so don't worry about that.
 

Mike Cash

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Go join her from time to time, OP. You're from Norway, I'm sure you've got the spare cash.
The odds of her finding a romantic replacement being in Japan and deciding to stay there are less (note the number of male expats here vs female), so don't worry about that.

6099275C-F280-4E8D-8702-83DDD3470B35.jpeg


Source:

平成28年度外国人留学生在籍状況調査結果 - JASSO
 

abouduranium

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Hi,

My GF of three and a half years is now going into japan, to study for one year, and I am kinda worried.
I am not the jealous kinda type either, but this happened all of a sudden, supposedly on a whim with no planning at all.

She knows japanese fluently and she will have no problem getting along because she has many friends at various locations and cities within Japan. She is outgoing, well spoken, well mannered, and all that. You know, I love her with all my heart.

Thus I am all the more worried. She's only been there for what, three weeks tops, at a time and never for a period as long as one school year. That is a lot. She has not said anything to me directly but I can see in the corner of her eye that our relationship somehow is not what it used to be.

I wonder if she ever got tired of me and is just using this as an excuse to get away from me and from us. I can't help but feeling something is going on. I know she is going though. She is not a liar.

I mean what do you think? How would you react in this kind of situation?

Thanks for any help I really need to hear some kind words right now.
Well it's just a simple thing your GF
if she loves you and doesn't want to break up with you and you are the same so don't worry if you are worried about if the life there can change her it's just one year will not change everything stay contacting her do not at least 1 per day and choose the right time and visit her if you have a chance and the money to do so.
 

Genzou

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I know, right?
It has been getting on my nerves lately, because she never used to behave this way.
Staying out late, not answering my calls duly in time, not telling me where she is. Stuff like that.
It annoys me because she is alway on the point and does so aggresively to the point i feel totally abandoned without her.
You may call it being in love, or having falled in love. Whatever it is, it is something i do not feel like living without.
But she does not care. No, she does not care at all. I am just totally heartbroken and I don't know what to do. I mean I could follow here there but then i would only feel sorrier the loser.
 

abouduranium

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I know, right?
It has been getting on my nerves lately, because she never used to behave this way.
Staying out late, not answering my calls duly in time, not telling me where she is. Stuff like that.
It annoys me because she is alway on the point and does so aggresively to the point i feel totally abandoned without her.
You may call it being in love, or having falled in love. Whatever it is, it is something i do not feel like living without.
But she does not care. No, she does not care at all. I am just totally heartbroken and I don't know what to do. I mean I could follow here there but then i would only feel sorrier the loser.
Please i don't mean to be harsh on you but don't ever try to contact her ever again and see by yourself if she will call you when you stop calling her and then brother know your place and choose if you are willing to stay running after a girl that she doesn't hold any feeling for you and trust me your love can be changed you can love anyone and move on in our life we fall in love many times until we find the right person.
 

Genzou

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Something else just occured to me.

She has been going out of her way lately to get out of talking with me, or hanging out with me. Last time i checked she was out dining to about 9 o' clock in the evening. Suspicious, it would seem.

And last time we checked our weekly round about, she acted like she never ever been out with me before, and like this was going to be something special. She even ordered something expensive for dessert while supposing I pick up the bill. She never does that.

It's just some couple of habits that seemingly has been coming out of nowhere that annoys me. It annoys me to no end. Because I know, and she knows how we should behave to one another in order to sustain a healthy, normal relationship. We both know how to act kindly and have done so for five years plus.

But yeah, i dont know. She has been getting expensive things lately like new perfumes and clothes, laptops phones and dressings. She is just a totally new person to me. I don't think i know her anymore, who is she?

Oh, the woes. Why must my Japanese girl turn so suddenly and silently?
 

abouduranium

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Something else just occured to me.

She has been going out of her way lately to get out of talking with me, or hanging out with me. Last time i checked she was out dining to about 9 o' clock in the evening. Suspicious, it would seem.

And last time we checked our weekly round about, she acted like she never ever been out with me before, and like this was going to be something special. She even ordered something expensive for dessert while supposing I pick up the bill. She never does that.

It's just some couple of habits that seemingly has been coming out of nowhere that annoys me. It annoys me to no end. Because I know, and she knows how we should behave to one another in order to sustain a healthy, normal relationship. We both know how to act kindly and have done so for five years plus.

But yeah, i dont know. She has been getting expensive things lately like new perfumes and clothes, laptops phones and dressings. She is just a totally new person to me. I don't think i know her anymore, who is she?

Oh, the woes. Why must my Japanese girl turn so suddenly and silently?
i guess she surprised you :D be careful open your eyes maybe she done something wrong or maybe she felt something wrong and she wanted like to make something likely to make herself feel better for her doing and maybe she is like making some steps to do something bad.
you should look at her eyes and ask her directly she feels about you look at her seriously do not mess up things ask her if she loves you or she not and ask her if she love you in that moment and in the future and from the look from her eyes and you know her better you can discover if she is lying to you or not and what's really happened to her in japan and ask her if you can meet her friends there or even go there and show yourself it's not something to be ashamed of if you can of course in a way that you don't bother her or her friends because sometime problems can happen by meddling to much.
 

Glenski

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Why must my Japanese girl turn so suddenly and silently?
You never said she was Japanese, only that she speaks the language fluently. What gives here?

As for actually answering your question, who knows? You don't seem to be all that open to telling us a lot of facts from the start. We have to learn little but important tidbits as we go, with lots of time between posts. I'd say with the little information you have given us, she has found someone new and is merely wringing what she can from you, but even that seems to be in an effort to get you to break up with her.

Once again, I ask: have you actually confronted her on any of this?
 

Genzou

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Once again, I ask: have you actually confronted her on any of this?

No, I have not. I will go out on a limb and say her behavious is out of order, but there could be many reasons as to why. Stress, work related problems, friends etc.

I have tried to sneak a peek on her phone, trying to check her messages and her call log activity but turns out there is a damn lock and the thing won't open.
 
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