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family approval?

MajideSaiaku

tsuyaku o tsukete kudasai
19 Jan 2005
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While i was in Japan, i visitted my girlfriends uncle+grandfather's home, it all seemed very nice and polite, i even got one of those new year envelopes of money? even though i tried to turn it down and felt very un-deserving of it, but they started drinking (the uncle and grandpa) and i guess the politeness may have been a mask, because it ended up with my girlfriend crying into my chest outside the house while me and her mother tried to calm her down, apparently her relatives musta said something dissaproving of our relationship, anyway, i got driven back to home, i guess i wasnt welcome...

The second time we went to her grandmother's house up in the country, after we went fishing (it was a good fishing trip to, i got to bond with my girlfriends father and i think i finally won him round, but he's not an emotional type of guy obviously so i had to be extra attentive to notice any signs that i was you know...approved for dating his daughter) we went up to her grandmothers house (her aunt also lived there,...i guess tis normal for siblings to live with elderly) and it was all very nice, a nice traditional japanese home, i was shown around, got to hold a katana (i feigned impressiveness as if ive never held katana's before or owned any *whistle whistle*) but the reason for all the politeness was that A) they didnt get drunk and rude and B) my girlfriend and her family told them i was just an exchange student through my girlfriends university staying with her.

What i want to know is has this happened to anyone else?, what happens when we marry and have kids, i once (half jokingly) told my girlfriend, "this is the boy from the exchange, he's babysitting my child, who was conceived immacualty (sorry spelling) and in his country kissing me and calling me wife is just a sign of friendship and that isnt a wedding ring, they dont wear them in his country, and also its is strange how my child looks half japanese isnt it?".

Whats going to be the consiquences of me making it quite clear to her relatives her status with me?...whats going to be the consiquences for her and our child?...or for her parents who;ve accepted me?.

Ugh, this is so insane, i mean, being hated on for my skin colour (which isnt that much different) i thought that was left back in the19th century, or in neo-nazi club houses...
 
I have had great experience with my parents in law. although before I met my father in law, he disapproved our relation because I was not Japanese, but Mayuko convinced him that I can take care of her, etc.

The first evening I was at their house, they were very friendly, had some beers together, and A REALLY important talk with dad haha. it was a great talk, and in the end I asked him if I could marry his daughter, and he replied with a laugh: yes of course!

the weeks after this we went golfing together, family trip to the sunflowers, dinner with the family, and in the end her dad told me that I feel like a Son for him.

I feel fortunate with a family like this, and yes, also I had a hold on his 300 years old Katana 🙂

There not bad, just show the right attitude to them, and show that you can take care of their daughter, and everything will be fine.
 
I got the son commentary pretty quickly from my girlfriends family, her mum thinks of me like the son she never had....

A son that dates her daughter....

But ive seen my girlfriend be pretty daft and stuff, her mum has actually sincerely apologised to me several times my girlfriend has been a bit wierd or daft, or just misbehaving....man i thought i could be immature sometimes...and you know what?....it just made me love her more!. :p

Yeah, it was even more amusing to see that sincere look of apology from her mother after my girlfriend was being stupid and daft.

Her immediate family is okay, its how life will be with extended relatives of her's being bigots about it.
 
I have heard of several friends who were not initially accepted, but it seems as though children have a way of breaking down barriers!
 
It depends on where two of you decide to settle down, in your country, Japan or somewhere else, I know you would have to deal with some relatives to varying degrees, but I don't think they are the ones to approve or disapprove your relationship. It doesn't affect their lives much anyways.

A daughter's mother seems to take the side of being supportive more than anybody in the family usually. My mother always was.
 
A guy who works in my building fell in love with a Japanese girl who was at college here. They went over to Japan before Christmas and haven't come back yet. I have to wonder what her family thinks of him, as I think most parents anywhere would object to him - he is twice her age, has a mohawk that he dyes a different colour every week, and he has a previous girlfriend's name tatooed on his forehead.
 
Yeah, my girlfriends mother is pretty cool like, infact she's too awsome, i half wish i was her son!. 😊

Whenever people say japanese hate foreigners and all that, i just remember her family, they were completely un-guarded with me, just real, and cool, not anything like i originally expected, suffice to say unless i was with the one exception my opinion is that Japanese people can be just as welcomming and genuinly sincerely friendly as anyone.

Except her extended family, if their going to hate on me for my skin colour i'm quite happy to hate on them for being morons. 👍
 
Ordinarily I would never ask, nor would it occur to me to even wonder about it, but since you've mentioned your skin colo(u)r being a factor would you perhaps mind sharing with us what it is?

Don't, if you'd rather not.
 
nurizeko said:
While i was in Japan, i visitted my girlfriends uncle+grandfather's home, it all seemed very nice and polite, i even got one of those new year envelopes of money?

Hmm the Japanese also give out money in envelopes like the Chinese? Apparently their traditional culture is more similar to ours than I thought.

...even though i tried to turn it down and felt very un-deserving of it, but they started drinking (the uncle and grandpa) and i guess the politeness may have been a mask, because it ended up with my girlfriend crying into my chest outside the house while me and her mother tried to calm her down, apparently her relatives musta said something dissaproving of our relationship, anyway, i got driven back to home, i guess i wasnt welcome...
The second time we went to her grandmother's house up in the country, after we went fishing (it was a good fishing trip to, i got to bond with my girlfriends father and i think i finally won him round, but he's not an emotional type of guy obviously so i had to be extra attentive to notice any signs that i was you know...approved for dating his daughter) we went up to her grandmothers house (her aunt also lived there,...i guess tis normal for siblings to live with elderly) and it was all very nice, a nice traditional japanese home, i was shown around, got to hold a katana (i feigned impressiveness as if ive never held katana's before or owned any *whistle whistle*) but the reason for all the politeness was that A) they didnt get drunk and rude and B) my girlfriend and her family told them i was just an exchange student through my girlfriends university staying with her.
What i want to know is has this happened to anyone else?, what happens when we marry and have kids, i once (half jokingly) told my girlfriend, "this is the boy from the exchange, he's babysitting my child, who was conceived immacualty (sorry spelling) and in his country kissing me and calling me wife is just a sign of friendship and that isnt a wedding ring, they dont wear them in his country, and also its is strange how my child looks half japanese isnt it?".
Whats going to be the consiquences of me making it quite clear to her relatives her status with me?...whats going to be the consiquences for her and our child?...or for her parents who;ve accepted me?.
Ugh, this is so insane, i mean, being hated on for my skin colour (which isnt that much different) i thought that was left back in the19th century, or in neo-nazi club houses...

Well my mum is not exactly very fond of my husband, she thinks he talks too much, but she doesn't really disapprove of our marriage.

My father doesn't say anything disapproving neither. My siblings are ok with him.

But I think for interracial couple its better living in a Western world, at least from my experience that is.
 
I'm white mike, black hair, brown eyes, 5'12"?, i havnt measured myself for a while, my nationality is "British" my home is Scotland.

This happens with applying for jobs aswell, they have this diversity form of bullshit, if it really doesnt matter about my skin colour and equal employment, then you shouldnt find out until you decide to interview me but, its just another reminder western society isnt as equal as it gets wood off thinking it is.
 
Nurizeko, I am glad you still are positively open minded despite mistreatment by her distant relatives. But the important point is you had won her parents.

Unless one of those distant relatives is very important to your girlfriend, if I were in your shoe, I will play it cool and maintain "enough" relationship just so that her relationship with them won't be broken because of me.

Final word of encouragement, family politic exists regardless who you are. I know people who married others from same nationality, same culture, and same colour of skin - and got the same mistreatment from their relatives or even parents. So in your case, it's just because you are "soft" target, you got it hard from them disguised through skin color, culture, etc. So keep your head cool and communicate with her in case there are things you need to know about her family history. Know your enemies before they know you :)

Ganbatte!
 
When I first came to Japan (a bit before we got married), I lived with my in-laws and they had to tell the neighbours that I was an exchange student too, because it's a neighbourhood with a lot of elderly people and I was told that it wasn't proper to live with a girl (esp. at her parent's) before getting married. I don't know what they told the neighbours a few months later, after we got married... I guess they just admitted the truth, as the neighbours knew. It's probably not such a big deal to lie in Japan. After all it is a "face" country where everybody lies all the time about such things. People usually know it's just a lie for the form.
 
I'll be happy to go up to her grandma/aunts home with her child one-day in the future, SUPRISE! your a great-grand-mother to a half-foreign child! :D

The sad thing is that might actually have made local newspaper headlines a few decades back. :S


I think her grandmother and aunt are cool enough, genuine nice people, i think they just told the lie just in case because of the grandpa/uncle situation, but when we have our children, if they ever say anything racist about my kidand i find out i will be having words with the, being racist bigots towards me is one thing, saying that to their own blood, an innocent child is another.

Bah not their problem anyway, i agree, distant relatives arent really a big deal unless important to the partner in question, but, if their gonna hate me they could at least hate me for a good reason. 😊
 
Maciamo said:
When I first came to Japan (a bit before we got married), I lived with my in-laws and they had to tell the neighbours that I was an exchange student too, because it's a neighbourhood with a lot of elderly people and I was told that it wasn't proper to live with a girl (esp. at her parent's) before getting married. I don't know what they told the neighbours a few months later, after we got married... I guess they just admitted the truth, as the neighbours knew. It's probably not such a big deal to lie in Japan. After all it is a "face" country where everybody lies all the time about such things. People usually know it's just a lie for the form.

You know this surprises me, because I always thought Japanese should be more open minded than Chinese. I guess it is not in all state of affairs.

When my father was working in Taiwan he was not yet married to my mother but they were already in a very close boy/girl friend relationship and my mum's parents let him lived with them, and people didn't really say anything. That was back in the mid 70s, and back then people supposed to be still very conservative.

Bah not their problem anyway, i agree, distant relatives arent really a big deal unless important to the partner in question, but, if their gonna hate me they could at least hate me for a good reason.

Usually people accept their son or daughter's choice after a while, and since in Western families you don't live with your in laws I don't think it would really be a problem over time.
 
Minty said:
You know this surprises me, because I always thought Japanese should be more open minded than Chinese.

My impression has been that the (mainland) Chinese were closer to Westerners in many respects thanks to Communism. For instance, the people of the PRC enjoy greater equality between men and women (even more than in some Western countries) and have more female politicians too (even more than the US). Communism has effectively destroyed a lot of Chinese traditions and superstitions and replaced them with a more practical and rational approach, again closer to Western culture. The seniority system and all things linked to Confucianism are still strong in Japan, Korea and Taiwan, but not in the People's Republic of China, for the same reason. I guess that is also why the Chinese are more "Western" in the way they see marriage nowadays.
 
Maciamo said:
My impression has been that the (mainland) Chinese were closer to Westerners in many respects thanks to Communism. For instance, the people of the PRC enjoy greater equality between men and women (even more than in some Western countries) and have more female politicians too (even more than the US). Communism has effectively destroyed a lot of Chinese traditions and superstitions and replaced them with a more practical and rational approach, again closer to Western culture. The seniority system and all things linked to Confucianism are still strong in Japan, Korea and Taiwan, but not in the People's Republic of China, for the same reason. I guess that is also why the Chinese are more "Western" in the way they see marriage nowadays.

With my parents, one is from Taiwan and she is Han, the other from Malaysia, my dad's ethnicity is Han, Chinese not Malay (people often mistaken people from Malaysia are definitely Malay, Malaysia is a multicultural country), and both of the countries they are from are not communists though. And this Incident I talked about happened in Taiwan. :haihai:

Oh I may have confused you when I use the term Chinese, when I say Chinese I mean Chinese people in general. If I am just talking about people from China I would say Mainland Chinese. Hmm, maybe I should start using the term overseas Chinese to refer to people like us, so that I don't confuse people.😌
 
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