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Dating Confusion

marinarat

後輩
19 Jan 2010
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Hi everyone,

Please can someone give me some pointers. I have known a Japanese girl for about 5 years. We have seen each other on and off during that time - I do not live in Japan - I see her when I come here.

Each time we have met, the meetings have been intense and physical - behind closed doors anyway. We exchange emails on a regular basis and she is fully aware about how I feel.

I asked her to be my girlfriend the other day - she said yes! Which I am delighted about. However, she seems nervous, a little shy, she wants to meet me with her friend - an English speaking guy who I really like (my Japanese is basic). When we are out together, she is very polite. Always serves food to me first in a restaurant, brushes against me, holds my hand when we are alone, but is not openly physical in the way that an western girl would be (I prefer her way), but it feels a little odd. Is her behavior normal?

She is so beautiful and I am so in love with her that I do not want to offend her by being over familiar in public, yet I do not want her to feel that I am holding back! I also want to be sensitive to her culture - but I am naive about it. She comes from a traditional family and was brought up in a temple. She is the youngest of three children - Boy - Girl - Girl.

One other thing - if someone can please help me? I understand that it is normal for a guy to buy his girlfriend an ring when they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Is this so? Again, I do not want to move to fast here, but do not want her to feel that I am holding back either!

Thank you!🙏
 
I find PDA to be rarer in Japan than back home in America. Quite honestly though.. why don't you just talk to her about how she feels about it and what she is comfortable with? I don't think she would be offended and would like to help you understand Japan better.
 
Public intimacy is frowned upon. The Japanese are very 'behind closed doors' physically. I rarely see couples in public doing more than holding hands here in Japan.

Even in my home country the Japanese girls I knew were opposed to it, despite the fact that PDA is not a big deal in Canada. Which leads me to believe it's an instilled value rather than a choice, it's just what they believe in, in general, not something done strictly for the benefit of others.

I wouldn't worry. The most important thing was you asking her to be your girlfriend formally, and her saying yes, that seals the deal more than any public intimacy ever would IMHO.
 
Thank you both for replying so quickly. I have so much to learn... but I am loving every minute of it! :)
 
How old is she? You say you see each other on and off. Is she just having a good time with you or do you think she is really sincere?

I would communicate with her and just enjoy the time you have with her. Take it step by step and don't go too fast.
 
She seems a bit old-fashioned which is a bit surprising as a lot the Japanese girls nowadays are quite the opposite (loud, flashy, aggressive, opinionated etc.) It might also be dependent on where she grew up. You mentioned that she grew up in a fairly strict/traditional family in a temple. Sounds like she might be from the countryside where the girls may be a bit reserved and atypical of the Japanese girls a lot of gaijin stereotypes are based off of.

Her shyness might also stem from the fact that she's dating a gaijin. While it's more accepted now in Japan, there are still some older/traditional Japanese that still look at interracial marriages/romances as odd. She might be acting this way because this is still a new experience for her and she's not sure how to act around you (or perhaps she thinks you like her playing the role of an "the shy Japanese girl").

I'd hold off on the ring though as that's too reminiscent of those friendship/going steady rings that they used to wear in high school. She might also think you're trying to propose to her. Maybe other types of jewelry would be better.
 
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