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"Dating" Advice: American Woman Curious About a Japanese Man

angeia

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I never thought I'd be this stumped, even after living in Niigata Japan for 2 years, but here goes.

I'm interested in a Japanese guy, but I have absolutely no idea if he's even slightly interested back or if I should just drop this whole charade altogether. I really feel that Japanese men are harder to read than Chinese and Korean ones, and it's downright tiring. I need help.

I'm an American girl living in Shanghai, China and I have a ton of Japanese friends here (I also work at a Japanese company, I speak Japanese everyday). My best Japanese friend invited me out drinking with his Japanese friends (all dudes) and we had an absolute blast—conversation was flowing, good times were had, constant laughing. One of the guys (I'll call him TK) was from Niigata, and I almost **** a brick because I never meet anyone from Niigata outside of Niigata. Ever. After drinking all night, when saying farewell I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and asked for his number.

He texted me and said it was great to meet, hope to hang out again soon, and texted me random stuff about Niigata and other things over the next few days. He's pretty international, he speaks an ok level of English and has traveled all over the world solo.

Thus, I invited him to a house party my foreigner friends were having, since he seemed a bit more international and might enjoy it. He was a bit nervous, me too, but in the end it was an ok evening.

I invited him to another party the following week, and he came and we had a good time.
I really wanted to get to know him better, but I didn't want to be too forward and decided to just let it go. When I told my British friend about this, she took my phone, texted him "let's meet up this weekend" and sent the text. I was extremely embarrassed, but was delighted to see him reply and ask me when I was free.

Just the two of us went out for lunch, I was so nervous. After an hour my nerves finally cooled, and we talked. We really hit it off and while I thought we were just having lunch, we ended up spending the whole afternoon together (about 4 hrs) just talking and walking around.
But afterwardsツ… no response.

As you see the pattern above, I'm always inviting him out to do stuff and the opposite never occurs. He doesn't SEEM like the extremely shy type, but he doesn't seem like the assertive, forward type either. While I'd like to get to know him better, I have no idea if he feels the same. I'm not getting any feedback. As a western woman who has dated Asian men in the past, I know that we have to be the more forward of the two (like, ask them out) or nothing is going to get done.

Still, it's downright tiring. I don't know if this is normal for a Japanese guy, or if he literally has 0% interest. Whenever I invite him out to events or even just to lunch, he seems so excited and never says no, soツ… I have no idea. I want to know if this is culture difference, or if he's really not that into me.

Sorry I wrote a mini novel up there. Japanese men are just so hard to read. When I lived in Japan 3 years ago I went on a few dates with Japanese guys, but was still as confused as ever. Now that it’s been 3 years since I left Japan, I'm even more dazed as to what to think. (It's no wonder I had a Korean bf in Japan).

Anywayツ… any response would be helpful!!! I want to stop agonizing.
Thanks!
 

dsvlee

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You may know sometimes East asian men would not to speak it out straightly, even when they do not like sth.

I suggest you not to be too further of you two, if you want to keep a long good relationship with him. Or it may become some kind of sex realtionship.

I think it is good to start conversations with him, like lovers or what kind of girls he would like to date. Then make the conversation further and further. You always talk sth about love, if he is not stupid enough, he would understand. This is because of high context culture. But never try, hey, how is it to become my boyfriend.

If you feel ok about a period of love and sex then split, you can directly ask him to be your boyfriend for a while. But if you want to marry him finally or keep your love long enough, I suggest you to be patient.

And I am Chinese. you should judge yourself.

btw you can show us your photos, then I can tell you if you are welcome or not.
 

kraystone

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Yes dvslee provided some good tips~

From my humble experience, some Japanese guys become a totally different person in a drinking party. I am also not sure if it is acting or their real personality :/ Many foreigners like me find it difficult to go into a deeper friendship with Japanese. But there are many that made it, so all the best :D
 

angeia

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Haha why would my photos make a difference?

Well the reason I’m limiting my contact is because I don't want to be too straightforward, and definitely don't want to look desperate. That's why I'm hesitant about asking him. And honestly, I want to take things slowly, I don't want to outright say, "hey, you have a girlfriend?" that's way too obvious.

I'm not looking for a sex relationship and I highly doubt that’s what he’s looking for as well.

I’m honestly not thinking about marriage, or even dating at this point. I just want to get to know him better without seeming like I’m desperate or persistent. If he has 0% in me then I don’t want to push him or be that テ。nnoying girl’ that’s always bothering him.

Anyway… you’re right that I should keep trying and contacting him. I’ll do my best!

And just to clear up, this guy is Japanese. I’ve dated Chinese guys in the past and they’re way different. I notice Chinese guys are way more straightforward, open, and assertive than Japanese men.
 

angeia

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He was pretty much the same in and out of the drinking party. It wasn't a regular "izakaya nomikai" type thing, esp cause we're here in shanghai not Japan. It was like the four of us hanging out and having some drinks, not the weird awkward nomikai gathering where everyone gets plowed.

I told myself I'd swear myself off from Japanese men, sigh. How'd I get into this again!?
 
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