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Lol !Pachipro said:It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
http://auntm.tripod.com/
There are some pretty classic jokes in here (maybe a few racially stereotypical ones, though).There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck . . ." And the farmer shot him.
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A young woman brings her fiancee' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal. So whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she tells him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later, he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already! I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!"
That is spooky - I was about to tell this one as I heard it yesterday. The funniest part was that this guy was telling it to a blonde girl, and when he finished she said "I don't get it"Mycernius said:A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and manages to find his way to the bar. He gets served and after a while says in a loud voice, "Does anyone here like to hear a good blond joke"
Silence descends upon the bar, until a husky voice reaches the mans ears and says, "I'm a six foot karate expert and happen to be blond. The bouncer of this bar is a a blond. The barwoman is 6'4" and a survivial expert is also blond. Of my two friends with me, one is a female professional wrestler and the other is a professional bodybuilder and they are also blond. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blond joke?"
The man pauses for a while and then says, " No, I won't. I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."
Mycernius said:A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and manages to find his way to the bar. He gets served and after a while says in a loud voice, "Does anyone here like to hear a good blond joke"
Silence descends upon the bar, until a husky voice reaches the mans ears and says, "I'm a six foot karate expert and happen to be blond. The bouncer of this bar is a a blond. The barwoman is 6'4" and a survivial expert is also blond. Of my two friends with me, one is a female professional wrestler and the other is a professional bodybuilder and they are also blond. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blond joke?"
The man pauses for a while and then says, " No, I won't. I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."