What's new

Welcome to Japan Reference (JREF) - the community for all Things Japanese.

Join Today! It is fast, simple, and FREE!

Any kind of Joke

Mitsuo

The Great
Joined
19 Jan 2006
Messages
554
Reaction score
9
Please place any Joke here.

I'll start.....Please take no offense, they're just jokes.


A: What do you call a unitarian/mormon?

Q: A person who rings your doorbell, but doesn't know why.

hahaha, ok your turn.
 

mad pierrot

I jump to conclusions
Joined
22 Nov 2003
Messages
1,350
Reaction score
81
Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship

This one is for the guys....



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust & doesn't lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four ladies don't know each other.
 

Pachipro

JREF Resident Alien
Rest in Peace
Joined
19 Jan 2005
Messages
1,831
Reaction score
225
This Is Not a Dirty Joke. Honest.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


Now wipe that smile off your face. 🙂 😊
 

Tokis-Phoenix

先輩
Joined
23 Sep 2005
Messages
1,275
Reaction score
72
Pachipro said:
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Now wipe that smile off your face. 🙂 😊
Lol :LOL: !

."Ahem".

I’m not very good at telling jokes, so if anyone’s heard this one before please don’t get too mad if I mess it up 😊 .
Anyways…
One day a male bear and a rabbit are in the woods when they both come upon a genie- the genie tells the bear and the rabbit they can both have 3 wishes each.
The bear starts off first, he says that he’s never had much luck with the lady bears in the woods and he's never been much of an attractive bear so to speak, so he asks the genie if he can make him the most attractive/sexy bear in the woods- the genie grants his wish.
The rabbit asks if he can have a really, really fast motorbike- the genie grants his wish.
The bear thinks some more on the subject of lady bears, and decides that he wishes that all the lady bears in the woods are really good looking and want him more than anything else in the land- the genie grants his wish.
The rabbit asks if he can have a full tank of petrol in the motorbike and some keys to start it- the genie grants his wish.
After some further considering on the subject of lady bears, he asks the genie if he can make him the only male bear in the woods- the genie grants his wish.

By this time, the rabbit is revving the motorbike up, the genie asks him for his last wish and the rabbit points to the bear and replies “MAKE HIM GAY!” and speeds off in the motorbike :D !
 

Pachipro

JREF Resident Alien
Rest in Peace
Joined
19 Jan 2005
Messages
1,831
Reaction score
225
A sandwich and and a hot dog walk into a bar and take a seat. The bartender leans over to them and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food in here."

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and take a seat. The bar tender leans over and says, "I'll serve you but you better not start anything in here."

What do you call a deer who has only one eye?

I have no idea. 😊
 

Rich303

Sempai
Joined
31 Mar 2005
Messages
576
Reaction score
22
A similar joke...

A ghost walks into a pub and says; ''double Vodka please''

The barman says; ''Sorry, we don't serve spirits''
 

Rich303

Sempai
Joined
31 Mar 2005
Messages
576
Reaction score
22
I know some absolutely filthy jokes, but I'll keep it clean;

Two nun's are driving down the road in a car, when suddenly a vampire lands on the car.

One nun says to the other ''Lean out the window and show him your cross''

So, she winds down the window, pulls an angry face and shouts;
''Oi ! GET OFF THE F*CKING CAR !!!''


ha ha...(you're cross/ your cross)
 

Mitsuo

The Great
Joined
19 Jan 2006
Messages
554
Reaction score
9
There was this hitchhiker that was walking around the desert in the dark. There was no light for miles. He then saw this car pull over. So he got in the passenger seat and looked over to say thanks. But noticed nobody was there. He started to get scared, but then out of nowhere this hand appears and starts directing the steering wheel. The man, thinking the car is haunted, jumps out and watches as the car keeps going.

A while later he reaches a bar, he walks in and a man from the other end of the bar yells, "HEY! That's the guy who jumped in my car as I was pushing it!"
 

Tokis-Phoenix

先輩
Joined
23 Sep 2005
Messages
1,275
Reaction score
72
.... .... ....
Three animals meet and start arguing who's the most scary one...
The wolf says "Once I howl, everyone shivers in fear".
The lion says "When I roar, all the animals freeze up scared..."
And... the chicken says "When I cough, everyone's running away like hell."
 

Hachiro

先輩
Joined
5 Feb 2006
Messages
553
Reaction score
14
TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES OF 2005.

>>Number 4

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man
turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

> > Number 3?

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

> > Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickleslicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."

> > Number 1

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at
the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well, " Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee."
 

Mitsuo

The Great
Joined
19 Jan 2006
Messages
554
Reaction score
9
A family went to go visit their Grandmother in the retirement home. They asked the nurse if she was doing Ok. The Nurse said, "well, she keeps tilting in her chair, and we don't want her to fall over. So we have to put back straight."

So, they go to the Grandmother and asked how she was doing. The grandmother replied "Im doing good, but they won't let me fart"
 

Hachiro

先輩
Joined
5 Feb 2006
Messages
553
Reaction score
14
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a
hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler
first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over
after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss
approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."
 

Tokis-Phoenix

先輩
Joined
23 Sep 2005
Messages
1,275
Reaction score
72
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

😌 .
 

Mycernius

The Hairy Wookie
Joined
4 Feb 2005
Messages
4,511
Reaction score
195
A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and manages to find his way to the bar. He gets served and after a while says in a loud voice, "Does anyone here like to hear a good blond joke"
Silence descends upon the bar, until a husky voice reaches the mans ears and says, "I'm a six foot karate expert and happen to be blond. The bouncer of this bar is a a blond. The barwoman is 6'4" and a survivial expert is also blond. Of my two friends with me, one is a female professional wrestler and the other is a professional bodybuilder and they are also blond. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blond joke?"
The man pauses for a while and then says, " No, I won't. I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."
 

lastmagi

Sempai
Joined
17 Feb 2005
Messages
395
Reaction score
21
First, I gotta give credit where it's due: http://auntm.tripod.com/ There are some pretty classic jokes in here (maybe a few racially stereotypical ones, though).

Anyway, here are some of my picks (these jokes are probably NOT for the little ones!!!):






There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck . . ." And the farmer shot him.

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A young woman brings her fiancee' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal. So whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she tells him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later, he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already! I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!"
 

Tsuyoiko

DON'T PANIC!
Joined
11 Mar 2005
Messages
3,060
Reaction score
165
Mycernius said:
A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and manages to find his way to the bar. He gets served and after a while says in a loud voice, "Does anyone here like to hear a good blond joke"
Silence descends upon the bar, until a husky voice reaches the mans ears and says, "I'm a six foot karate expert and happen to be blond. The bouncer of this bar is a a blond. The barwoman is 6'4" and a survivial expert is also blond. Of my two friends with me, one is a female professional wrestler and the other is a professional bodybuilder and they are also blond. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blond joke?"
The man pauses for a while and then says, " No, I won't. I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."
That is spooky - I was about to tell this one as I heard it yesterday. The funniest part was that this guy was telling it to a blonde girl, and when he finished she said "I don't get it" :D :D :D
 

d3jake

C++ Programmer
Joined
9 Mar 2005
Messages
216
Reaction score
3
Mycernius said:
A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and manages to find his way to the bar. He gets served and after a while says in a loud voice, "Does anyone here like to hear a good blond joke"
Silence descends upon the bar, until a husky voice reaches the mans ears and says, "I'm a six foot karate expert and happen to be blond. The bouncer of this bar is a a blond. The barwoman is 6'4" and a survivial expert is also blond. Of my two friends with me, one is a female professional wrestler and the other is a professional bodybuilder and they are also blond. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blond joke?"
The man pauses for a while and then says, " No, I won't. I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."

:LOL: :clap: That guy probably didn't make it home that night...

I have one, it's short though...
Three men walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.
 

koko

先輩
Joined
31 Jan 2006
Messages
39
Reaction score
0
a friend told me this one, probably a childish joke...

Q: Donna pan ga tobimasuka?

A: Frying Pan..
 

Rich303

Sempai
Joined
31 Mar 2005
Messages
576
Reaction score
22
One of the hardest things to convey in a foreign language is a joke, especially in English where so many jokes use words that have double meanings. With my Japanese colleagues and my friend, I have had to employ different comedy tactics.

So, I'm sorry to say this joke is only for English speakers, maybe even only people who live in England;



There are two rats in a sewer. They've had a bad day and one of them is complaining. He says;
''I'm sick of this life, it's the same thing over and over again every day - Sh*t for breakfast, sh*t for lunch and sh*t for dinner''

The other rat says;
''Aw, stop complaining - anyway, it's alright, tonight we're out on the piss!




P.S. in the UK ''out on the piss'' means to go out drinking.
 

Clawn

The Wise *****
Joined
6 Feb 2005
Messages
576
Reaction score
15
A man is walking along a beach in California. As he walks, he comes across a glass bottle. He reaches down for it, and lo and behold, a genie appears. The genie says, "You have freed me from my 500-year imprisonment. I shall grant you one wish." The man is elated at his good luck and quickly replies, "I've always wanted to live in Japan, could you build a bridge from here to Japan?" The genie looks at the man and says, "You're joking, right? I'm not going to build a bridge that long! Pick something else." The man is disappointed, but he thinks about anything else he would want. Finally, after a while of thinking, he says to the genie, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women." The genie crosses his arms and thinks for a moment. "Just how long did you want that bridge again?" 🙂
 

sl0thmachin3

iron monkey
Joined
23 Mar 2006
Messages
80
Reaction score
6
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
A: What was the question?
___________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was cutting open
his
guts.
_______________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising

 
Top Bottom