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american woman dating a japanese man

dokbok

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someone please help... i'm a 22 yr old korean-american dating a 33 yr old japanese man (from japan).

For the second time last night he made me cry. Why? because I can't understand him sometimes. I can't tell if it's his lack of English-speaking skill, but he keeps insisting that if I'm going to cheat on him, he won't care-- he'll just get over me quick and date someone else.

I have no problem with the logic or reasoning behind it, I have a major problem with the fact that he states it over and over and over and over. Every night, for the past 2-3 weeks. It's been the same conversation.

basically, he asks if i can wait for him while he goes to spain for 3 mo's. I tell him of course, i love only him. i don't need anyone else, i need him.

then he always proceeds to say, "if you go somewhere else (i.e., find another lover) then I don't care. You find some japanese or american guy; i find some japanese girl. easier for me. easier for you".

is he being indirect in wanting to get rid of me?

and yet, when i get upset and stop talking to him, he starts hugging and kissing and trying to talk again. he gets confused about the change in mood. what does he want/ not want?

i always turn the question on him, "can you wait for me? do you want to find someone else?" to which, he always makes an emphatic "no! i can wait".

i have to admit, he brings up this conversation when he gets at least midly drunk (2 pints of beer after work, which is just about every night).

can someone out there, with some insight on japanese men or men in general, please explain what is going through his mind? and how can i get him to stop asking?
 

Mike Cash

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Doesn't sound very indirect or subtle to me.
 

Eisuke

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It could be that he is afraid you will be cheating, that may be why he repeats his ideas about that, but you could make it clear to him that you understand his feelings already, you will be loyal to eachother and that therefore he should not worry and shouldn't repeat his concerns often.
 

kirei_na_me

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It kind of sounds like that's what he fears--you cheating on him--and it sounds like he might be wanting reassurance that you won't cheat on him. Either that, or it's his weird way of trying to end things. Either way, it's not a very good way of handling it.

Being with a Japanese guy, you might want to try getting used to the idea that you'll never hear things straight. There's just going to be subtle hints, looks, or actions. In other words, you have to be a mind reader in order to know what they're thinking.
 

Ewok85

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kirei_na_me said:
In other words, you have to be a mind reader in order to know what they're thinking.

My girlfriend has come straight out that I am required to be a mind reader and the anticipate what she wants and know what is wrong at all times.... apparently its the Japanese way to which I laughed and gave her some tales of my Japanese friends and their relationship mishaps.

But I wouldnt call it unusual, my girl goes on about finding me someone better, and saying I should just leave her... weird girl 😊
 

dokbok

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thanks for your replies.
i just don't understand where this fear-- of me cheating-- comes from. i've never lied or cheated, and i see him everyday. i've tried explaining that he doesn't need to worry, but he says that when i don't see him everyday, i'll change my mind easily.
by the way he acts towards me, i don't feel like he wants to get rid of me. i just don't understand why he doesn't trust me. is it a japanese guy thing? :?
and, he expresses concern over my work. he seems to think that, when i start work in this company, i will sleep with my bosses or co-workers. i really don't understand his thinking! i am not flirtatious with men. guys do flirt and stare, but it's not unusual for any young woman living in my area.
i love him so much, but i can't keep tolerating his lack of trust. i don't deserve it. is this something to break up over? :?
 

dokbok

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Ewok85 said:
But I wouldnt call it unusual, my girl goes on about finding me someone better, and saying I should just leave her... weird girl 😊

So yah... is it some japanese thing? some strange, twisted inside joke? i don't like it. i like sex, but i'm not a *****. i would think that most boyfriends would appreciate a girl with my kind of energy, but if he doesn't-- then maybe i'll just withhold. fight back, right? :box:
 

MajideSaiaku

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Ewok85 said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by kirei_na_me
In other words, you have to be a mind reader in order to know what they're thinking.


My girlfriend has come straight out that I am required to be a mind reader and the anticipate what she wants and know what is wrong at all times.... apparently its the Japanese way to which I laughed and gave her some tales of my Japanese friends and their relationship mishaps.

But I wouldnt call it unusual, my girl goes on about finding me someone better, and saying I should just leave her... weird girl


your by no means alone on this ewok, mate.

there will never be a week in my life with my girlfriend when she doesnt mention at least once in some way or another that i should leave her and date an attractive blonde haired (naturally) british girl, because im such an attractive handsome british boy apparently, i just luagh and ignore it, and tell her she's attractive, and that she knows fine im ugly as sin, and if i wanted anyone but her, i wouldnt have even entertained the notion of a relationship with her....followed by some aishiteru's, daisuki's, i love you s-chan *hug* and sorted until the next time she brings it up.

sometimes her japanese wierdness can really get under my skin, especially when her moody fits are so distant from any basis in reality it boggles the mnid, but then i remember, its not much different with a western women, and in some cases, their even worse =P.
 

misa.j

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He sounds lika a DK(drama king), trying to get your attention by saying things that he doesn't really mean.
I would ask him why he says those things.

How long have two of you been together? Has he started to act like that just recently?
 

Index

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mikecash said:
Doesn't sound very indirect or subtle to me.

Mike could be right.

Alternatively, he might just be insecure or emotionally a little inexperienced so to speak. Perhaps he has some skewed ideas about women's fidelity? He might think that it would be 'normal' for you to cheat on him while he's away. Despite, or maybe because of, these seemingly peculiar views, it sounds like he likes you a lot, which is why he might be worried therefore about what will happen when you are apart. This could also explain his off the cuff comments about how easy it would be for him if the relationship didn't work out; in other words he is concerned that he will be hurt if things do not turn out so he is protecting himself psychologically just in case. Sounds like emotional immaturity with a splash of drama and a garnish of self centered negativity.
 

Mike Cash

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Sounds to me like he is leery of the relationship developing too much further. Leery of someday explaining to Mom and Pop and friends and coworkers that he not only brought home a foreigner as a bride, but one of GASP! Korean ancestry. So he may be enjoying playing with something he wouldn't be eager to take home with him. And further lack the testicular fortitude to have to admit this to himself and come to terms with it, so he tries not-so-subtly to place the onus for the breakup on the other person.

Thus ends my overly frank and irresponsible attempt at long-distance psychoanalysis.
 

Elizabeth

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Being with a Japanese guy, you might want to try getting used to the idea that you'll never hear things straight. There's just going to be subtle hints, looks, or actions. In other words, you have to be a mind reader in order to know what they're thinking.
Your first clue being their big sigh of relief when you guess right. :p
Seriously though, having similar interests, ways of thinking and expressing them plus knowing the language will create a very deep, positive and unspoken bond between you that can outlast all these social conventions and mannerisms if there is enough desire on the other side.
 

ralian

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He sounds like he is insecure as Index pointed out.
It is not easy to date with someone insecure, because they useally need a constant assurance.
I know because I have dated with a very insecure person.
Good luck...
 

jeisan

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maybe its becasue he's heard alot of bad things about koreans and believes them, coupled with his insecure nature and an age difference that most men would enjoy for a fling, i dont think many would make it long term.

so for the reasons above and Mike's frank insight as well, id say end it now, its for the better in the end. i guess after the trip to spain he will accuse you of cheating anyway and/or will have done so himself...
 

dokbok

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thanks

Well, i appreciate the (occasionally brutal) honesty and variety of opinions. I didn't, however, appreciate being referred to as "something". And, as for all the **** talking that occurs (Korean <--> Japanese, Chinese <--> Japanese, Korean <--> Chinese), I agree that historical and current political grudges have their basis but these things shouldn't affect our personal lives. I (obviously) like Japanese people a lot, despite all the crap I heard growing up and all the history lessons.

Anyway, we've been dating for 3 months now, so it hasn't been long but it's been intense. There hasn't been a day that we've been apart and it looks like we'll move in together.

That was the impetus for wriitng-- I've always been against moving in before marriage because I don't think it works. Then again, I never thought I'd be dating someone more than 4 years older than me. Then again, I never thought I'd consider bringing home a non-korean athiest to our little catholic home. Well, the point is that I wonder if I'm making a mistake in moving in with him already-- especially because he does seem a little immature.

Ok well... I'm 80% sure now that he doesn't think it's just a fling. He is really affectionate and he always says he loves me. I think it is insecurity, but I don't know how to deal with it because he's starting to use the "if you don't do ___, then I'm leaving you" line to stop me from seeing certain people or going out with people he doesn't know. He is getting a little obsessive... has anyone had a similar experience?
 

Mike Cash

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If you fail to listen to all the little voices of reason that are popping up in your head and firing off alarm bells regarding this, then chances are you're just as immature as he is.

Err on the side of caution.
 

dokbok

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mikecash said:
If you fail to listen to all the little voices of reason that are popping up in your head and firing off alarm bells regarding this, then chances are you're just as immature as he is.

Err on the side of caution.

I can't say I'm not immature-- you could be right.
But as much as I want to be reasonable and back off, it's just much easier said than done. I think it's love that distorts the brain-- nothing needs to be reasonable to make sense.
From this thread, I'm hoping to either find clear and loud signs that he's the wrong choice for me, or advice on how to cope.
Really, it boils down to my philosophy on love-- "love is like sh*t, it happens". The questions are, how much is too much and what do you do about it?
 

misa.j

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dokbok said:
how much is too much and what do you do about it?
This is too much.
dokbok said:
use the "if you don't do ___, then I'm leaving you" line to stop me from seeing certain people or going out with people he doesn't know.
From what you discribe, he doesn't seem to have much experience in coping and simply in 'relationships'. I would think about how your decisions will effect in the long-term; you have been together for three months, and you seem to be focused on rather negative aspects.

dokbok said:
Well, the point is that I wonder if I'm making a mistake in moving in with him already-- especially because he does seem a little immature.
Sounds like you know the answer.
 

jeisan

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dokbok said:
...I think it is insecurity, but I don't know how to deal with it because he's starting to use the "if you don't do ___, then I'm leaving you" line to stop me from seeing certain people or going out with people he doesn't know. He is getting a little obsessive...

or controlling...

but either way you really dont want to be in a relationship with someone who's insecure, obsessive and/or controlling.

Anyway, we've been dating for 3 months now, so it hasn't been long but it's been intense. There hasn't been a day that we've been apart and it looks like we'll move in together.

Really, it boils down to my philosophy on love-- "love is like sh*t, it happens".

are you in love or in lust?
you may want to let this play out abit further, wait for the initial phase of lovey dovey cuteness and constant sex pass before you decide to move in together or anything else major for that matter.
 

dokbok

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well, things have only become worse. i don't think things will work out. i know i'll move on, but it seems impossible right now. part of me can't wait to see how blind i'm being to all this. the other part is afraid i'll look back and regret. i'm so sad. why must we do things we don't want to do? i think i'll just resign to the safety of solitude...
it makes me wonder, love is easy to find but how do people manage to make things work? i guess things will either work out or crumble away... how do other people keep from falling, too?....
are all japanese guys like this? this has been the worst experience... the worst because I love him so much that it hurts me just that much more... i know he's controlling, but i've overlooked it. Realistically, i can't keep ignoring myself like this. AKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. somebody take this pain away!
 

mizer

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I think his controlling behaviours sound like more to worry about than behaviour in your first post, in fact. Use emotional blackmail on you - that isn't good... I think you need to talk about that.

But, your first concern, seems that he is worried that you will find someone else. Maybe he doesn't want to appear hanging on to you too much, in case you become resentful. Sometimes, with my boyfriend I feel like saying, 'I don't mind if you want to break up' because I want him to feel free and not obliged by me. It is trying to protect, emotionally, almost to convince (yourself) that you are able to move on if relationship doesn't work.

I always thought it is more 'mentally healthy' to become not so very attached to someone that they have power to devastate you... but, of course, if you are very much in love, it is difficult, impossible sometimes. It sounds like he loves you very much but is trying 'rational', more distant - maybe to face possibility that when you are apart, find someone else...

Maybe the controlling behaviours are an extension of that. Definitely it is necessary to be careful, around these. But, also, these could be security issues that maybe become resolved if relationship lasts during the five months. I think, give him the chance; perhaps relationship will work right with time. It seems you love him; also, it seems he loves you too, so it is sad if it breaks up because of problem of communications.

There are comments about not knowing what the men are thinking often (I mean Japanese men)... Well, I think this can be true for any people! I am guilty in this myself sometimes *~* My boyfriend is Japanese, he in fact communicates well what he is thinking and feeling. He gives less 'maintenance' to relationship than some other men do, but, he says things honestly so I don't really have to guess his feelings. With truth, a little goes a long way :)
 
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