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Ahh... I'm quite the fool. (Japanese Romancing)

Emoni

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Such a silly thread I'm making here...

Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone here knows much about what the Japanese consider "romantic" or traditional (but subtle) ways that would let on to them that you really care about them. Well, besides the obvious ways that I know as a guy who grew up in America.

There has been someone I absolutely adore for quite sometime, but never really knew how to say anything (I'm a complete idiot when it comes to this type of thing!), and mainly just been doing little things when I can, and giving little gives now and then. In the very tense (and really confusing) situation of just trying to see if she gives any signs that she feels the same way, but no luck, either that or I can't read any signs that she is giving back (which is very possible).

As you could have guessed from the thread, she is Japanese, so there is even more of a gap between cultures making it more difficult to know what to do and what to say.

My question is this. What are the typical "subtle romantic gestures" in Japan? Nothing to extreme of course! What would be the typical responses, or things to look for? I've attempted to look this up on the net and other areas of the forum, but all I find is odd links of dating services... not exactly the type of thing I'm looking for...

I really do care about this person, so I'm hoping to do something special, but not anything that might seem like I'm trying to trap them into a response or "buy them."

Thanks for any advice. Finding anything on romantic japanese traditions has proved much harder than I expected. 😭
 

Emoni

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Nooo....

Nooo... I'm sorry guys this was supposed to be in the general forum not the japanese language forum :( Didn't mean to be off topic. If any mod sees this could you move it over? I can't delete it at this point. Gomen!
 

kirei_na_me

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Moved it to All Things Japanese section. Since you want to know romantic gestures regarding the Japanese, I put it here.
 

MikeM

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I am sorry I can't contribute anything really to this as I am in a similar situation.

But I am looking forward to replies and this is a very interesting topic. :)
 

jeisan

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they hit you!!
seriously though what would make a japanese girl different from a western one? i think you cats worry and think too much about the cultural differences. just enjoy the company and if it happens it happens.

alternativly you can tell them how you feel and see how they respond, or even, get this, ...ask them. :p
 

kirei_na_me

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Well, there are some differences.

It is true that the Japanese generally show love in a more subtle way. It is hard to explain, because it is kind of understood, without saying, what love means to them. That is what is usually difficult for some of us Westerners to understand. A lot of us are used to throwing "I love you" around all the time and countless other sweet nothings, but from the Japanese people I've been around, love means staying with that certain someone. It's pretty much as simple as that. If they want to spend their time with you and only you for an extended amount of time, chances are, they love you.

Also, when they don't want to be with someone anymore and they don't love that person, they will break contact forever, usually. My husband broke it off with his ex-girlfriend of 6 years about a year before we started dating, and he hasn't talked to her since. He phoned her, told her he didn't want to be with her anymore, and hasn't spoken to her since. It's not like relationships I've had before or countless other people's relationships where the couple will break up and then get back together, stalk each other, attack present gf/bf, etc. etc. If they don't love you and don't want to be around you anymore, they will usually make a clean break. Every Japanese person I know is like that.

It's kind of difficult to explain. When they are in relationships with foreigners, though, I think they usually try to act the way they think people act in your culture. My husband started telling me he loved me a few weeks after we first went out as gf and bf(we were friends before). I don't believe he ever told his Japanese gf that he loved her, though, because she was Japanese. They were together for 6 years, so I guess that said it all. Later, I asked him why he told me he loved me if Japanese normally didn't do that, and he just said, "Well, I thought Americans were just supposed to say that all the time." Oh, this gets complicated! Someone help me out! I'm not making any sense... :eek:
 
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The thing I have noticed most about the japanese is they have a HUGE deal with honor, respect, shame and morality.

Shame being a big one, most american GFs I have been with have no shame at all, They will leave a house dirty, Wear very tight cloths or show way to much breast / mid section.

Most japanese girls I have meet consider all of that to be "shamefull." I had one totaly flip out when I stoped bye a friends house and she saw how his wife left it "dirty cloths on the bathroom floor." trash needed taken out, His wife didn't cook so they allways got carry out ect.

On top of that alot of guys / girls cheat in relationships here and all the japs I have talked to consider that a BAD BAD BAD offense that could likely ruin you'r job, family life ect but here no one really cares except the person that gets cheated on.


Any ways, Most japanese women I have meet seem to act allmost like people back in the 1950s here. I would say japanese women have been the MOST supportive and caring / nurturing I have been with. How ever on the downside most are not into kissing in public or being real close in public.
 
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It's true that if a girl is willing to hang out with you alone, she probably does really like you. It probably won't be the male/female friends, we're just good buddies, I don't like you in that way type of thing that you might get in America. Ask her to do something with you. I she says yes, and goes out with you, you're set. If she says yes, and then cancells at the last minute, doesn't show up, or brings a girlfriend along, it probably isn't in the cards.
 

SacredBlue

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There shouldn't be a difference between how you treat girls of different races..Treat her as you would a regular girl and be yourself, so if she ends up liking you, you'll know it's for who you really are.

Ask her about her interests and stuff and tell her about yours, leave out Japan and Japanese if applicable, most Japanese, Chinese, Korean etc. girls I know realize that some guys have a fetish for them, and it's not a turn on.

Don't immediately let on that you like her, at least not at first. And never ever be clingy, or anyway desperate. Comment on her clothes and stuff, her voice, her eyes (not body). Make it apparent that you treat her differently and care more about her more than the other girls your friends with, and she should be able to take a hint.

Other stuff, hmm...If you do buy a gift, don't buy clothes, buy something cuddly. One of the most important things is to make good friends with her friends. If a girl's friends hate you, your chances of being with that girl will suck, and if you do get with her it won't be a happy relationship. Also, know when to start talking and stop talking..Akward silences are bad... Also please please don't throw around the phrase "I love you" to her. Remember the fire that burns brightest burns fastest.

All in all..Just treat her with respect and all the things above and you'll do fine. Good things take time 👏
 

Uncle Frank

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REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING !!!!

You are not kidding about a girls friends being important !! My girl had a girlfriend she grew up with in a little farming town. They were inseperable.
I was convinced at first they were lovers till I got to know them. For the year & a half I was with my girl, at least 1 of her 4 friends was with us. When we got our apartment, her best friend moved in with us. It was kind of nice to see such a close bond. I understand better now since I still hunt & fish & camp with my buddy I grew up with. I always tried real hard to be nice to her friends and NOT seperate them.

Frank
🙂
 

Emoni

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Thanks guys. Really appreciate the input.

So far I've actually be going along the line of Sacred Blue's comments. Just acting considering trying to be nice when I can, but at the same time keeping a distance, and being as extremely subtle as possible on everything.

Things are going quite good with this so far, I just seriously don't want to do anything to offend her, make her mad or sad and the like. If she doesn't want to be around me, as long as it is the best thing for her and she's happy that is all that matters to me :p Just that side effect of being very depressed for a bit ;) lol

Thanks agian guys.
 

Keeni84

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I think it's interesting the things you guys have said, especially Kirei_na_me when she talked about Japanese folks making a clean break with each other.

How would exes act if they ever came in contact with each other? Like, what if they worked together (or would such relationships never happen in the first place?)

Please excuse my ignorance. I don't mean to approach the Japanese love/dating scene like it's something from National Geographic, but I'm really interested.

Thanks everyone!
 

dadio

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Interesting.
Keeni84... in my experience...
my J.girlfriend would try to crawl up the side of a building rather than have to talk to any of her "exes".
As has been said already.. it seems as though Japanese prefer to make clean breaks... when something is over... it's over.
There's not much that I can add to this considering I've ony dated one Japanese girl...(the one I'm still with)...
(2 years now... I must be doing *something* right!)
but advice for the guy that's trying to strike up some kinda relationship...
just try to relax around her...
& be yourself...
don't try to think how a Japanese guy would try to impress a girl...
it seems to me like a lot of Japanese girls like foreign guys *because* they are *not* like Japanese guys...
(supposedly the main reason my J.girlfrind loves me is 'cos I'm so affectionate & close with her...something most Japanese guys wouldn't be)...
sooo...
just do what comes naturally...
be considerate...
& hope for the best!
Goodluck!!!
 
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As for ex's in Japan well... I'm married here with kids, but I have 4 ex girlfriends living in the area. Two of them I haven't seen in years, not sure if they'd want to talk to me or not. Two others I run into fairly often, and they are always friendly.
 

neko_girl22

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A Japanese friend of a friend of mine once had a foreign boyfriend. They were on a date one day and trying to make an impression he presents her with one single perfect red rose... aww... She however was thinking " wow he's so poor he could only afford one rose...." I think she was a bit shallow and ended up breaking up with him because she thought he was so poor haha..... :pツ ahh the joys of cultural differences.

Dadio, I could start a whole thread about your comments that "it seems to me like a lot of Japanese girls like foreign guys *because* they are *not* like Japanese guys..." Cuddles, kisses and declarations of love might be exciting in the beginning.... but I personally don't like to base my whole relationship on that. 2, 3, 5 years later the excitement has lessened and if there is no true love, respect etc there will be nothing left.
I have my own views on why J-girls are obsessed with foreign men.

My J-husband might not sing poems to me outside my bedroom window, but he expresses his love in a more subtle and yet more emphatic way. I have an incurable illness and it's a real strain sometimes on both of us yet he has done so much for me, his love is expressed in many ways -in action. Actions speak louder than words, right.

That said, he did take me out to an onsen resort yesterday to celebrate the date we started dating. 😍
 

kirei_na_me

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Well, in reference to dadio's post and now yours, nzueda, I've thought about something.

Japanese women like to moan and complain about how Japanese men don't give them affection and how Western men make up for that, but then, Japanese men complain about not getting affection from Japanese women, too. When I started dating my husband, he was so happy that he could go out in public and hold my hand, hug me, and kiss me. He also liked that I was a lot more "touchy-feely" than the (Japanese) women he had been around his entire life.

Also, as someone mentioned on another thread, Japanese men don't allow the Japanese women to talk about their problems and let them vent their frustrations. I've heard the other way around. I have been told many times that "Japanese women don't want to hear negative things", so the men are not getting a chance to tell their problems, either. And believe me, the Japanese men I know would rather die than to cause conflict and make their wives mad at them. They know it's hell to pay--and I'm not talking about only mine.

So, is this miscommunication between the men and women of one nationality, or are they just thinking of excuses to find love with someone from another culture?
 

Elizabeth

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Originally posted by kirei_na_me
Also, as someone mentioned on another thread, Japanese men don't allow the Japanese women to talk about their problems and let them vent their frustrations.
Yeah, I have to admit it's true in a way. And even empathic comments in return like "That sounds worrisome" or "that's a difficult situation, isn't it?" may sound simple to a Westerner, but there's something very reassuring at the same time about not getting too deep into specifics or having the "freedom" to complain about mutual friends, exes, etc like you would here. In public, on the other hand, it's also my experience that Japanese men like being able to show their affection more freely.....although in overall demenour and facial expression you're still expected to be as demure and appropriate as a Japanese woman. :eek: At least over there, not sure if that holds true everywhere or with younger men or not.
 

dadio

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Hmmm...
to clarify a few things I said...
about the exes thing...
my J.girlfriend would very much rather *not* bump into her old exes...
but if forced into a situation where she had to...
she would be ultra friendly chatting away to them.
Nzueda...
well, I wouldn't like to base my whole relationship on just cuddles & kisses either!
;)
but I do think that they are important expressions of love...
(at least in our relationship.)
As ya say... there has to be true love & respect...
& of course trust, listening to each others problems, helping each other out... a lot of different things...
other things my J.girlfriend appreciates is that I support her in her ambitions & career plans... & little things like I don't make her wear make-up when we go out.
Anyway...
your husband sounds like a great guy!...
& romantic too... you sound very happy together!
Kirei_na_me...
I used to share a house with a J.guy for a while & he said that he found all the J.women he had been with to be very cold... & liked that foreign women were more "touchy-feely".
He was a really decent guy who didn't fit the Japanese male stereotype at all.
Hmmm.... & about the J.women not wanting to hear negative things...
well... I hafta say that in my experience that's sadly true...
my J.girlfriend likes to tell me about all of her problems...
& also likes to hear about my problems...
*but* if I talk about things negatively... if I *complain* to her...
or let things depress me...
she doesn't like that at all!
(I guess she sees men as the ones who should be strong & able to shrug off any problems that arise?)
Oh, & apologies if I seem like some kinda "lovey-dovey" fool!:sorry:
 

kirei_na_me

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Ah, dadio, we've all been lovey-dovey fools at one time or another. It's a great feeling! ;)

It's all very interesting, this intercultural relationship subject.
 

Elizabeth

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Originally posted by dadio
Hmmm.... & about the J.women not wanting to hear negative things...
well... I hafta say that in my experience that's sadly true...
my J.girlfriend likes to tell me about all of her problems...
& also likes to hear about my problems...
*but* if I talk about things negatively... if I *complain* to her...
or let things depress me...
she doesn't like that at all!
My boyfriend is like that as well. He'll go to a J-women more for companionship or entertainment and me to talk about serious things like problems at work as someone who is always there but not that he has to be with when not feeling like it. 😄
 
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