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The Bulgarians (2009)

The Bulgarian (2009)
There were times when we felt tired and desperate. There were times when we cried out loud and bled. There were times when we felt nothing at all and silence was the only possible way-out.
I am wondering, what phase are we in now? Maybe we are about to shout out but we are still looking for the strength needed. Or maybe, we have unconsciously gone through the crying-out phase and the silent times set down. Whatever it is, it seems that something is about to happen, something is slowly approaching and the air around is getting thicker and thicker- thicker with anticipation, thicker with the well-known smell of blood and pain.
We waited. We are still waiting. We struggled. We are still struggling. But soon we would not be able to wait any longer. It is approaching. We hoped. We still hope. But will we hope any longer?
We sank deeper and deeper. We were about to lose hope and take our last breath, when we saw the light over our heads, the light just above there, piercing through the surface and trying to reach us. Then we set our hearts free and started dreaming again, dreaming of a better life. It was worth, the whole dark-and-sink period. Now we can go on, slowly but steadily. And the direction is the right one.
We sank again. And again we were about to…when we found our hope again. We dag it with our two hands. Then we believed in the bright future…
…when we sank again… No, no, this time it is not possible, this is a bad dream, the nightmare that occupied our safe and bright dreamland. No one can deprive us of our hope, it has always survived, this time it would not be different.
The ground under our so-felt steady feet shook; this time the ground even did not give us the chance to feel the light slow movements that prepare us for the big disastrous shake. It just happened, one day, one common day that started no different than any other common day. The day when we were dragged back into the darkness, when we sank and sank, and had to deliberately pray and beg, beg and cry, cry and shake with terror; losing hope, then finding it again just because we need to go on breathing and moving and living, and most important, loving. Because in all this darkness and deep black waters there are people that deserve to be loved, that we love, that we should go on living for. And there it is, our hope, our hope found in our love.
Something is about to happen, something big and disastrous, something painful but liberating. I am still asking to find the right answers, but they seem to go on playing their devil game of hide-and-seek. Just I am seeking and seeking, still don't get the answers.

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Journal entry information

Author
innkam
Read time
2 min read
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460
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