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If Game Characters Were Old

What happened to Snake? With those layered and textured wisps of oh-so-touchable hair, that Rambo-ninja headband, and a perfectly landscaped maze of lovable facial scruff, MGS 2 Snake was downright dreamy. Several years and one blond douchebag later and Snake is back with crow's feet and the beginnings of a Geraldo Rivera 'stache. If anything is suited for sneaking, it's the varicose veins crawling up the skin stuffs stretched over his legs.

Most game characters don't bother with ugly things like continuity, they never get old and they eternally wear the same clothes. But what if, like Snake, they were suddenly ravaged by Father Time? A dash of Photoshop reveals the disturbing possibilities.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

Sans her athletic physique and sex appeal, all Lara raids these days are aisles of incontinence products. Those once impossibly perky breasts have become gravity's playthings, swinging around her navel like Droopy's ears and snagging on untrimmed shrubs (which she complained to the city council about 16 times).

But it isn't all bad for the retired archeologist, she occasionally spruces things up by surviving nuclear blasts in refrigerators.

Cloud, Final Fantasy VII

Elderly Cloud and his rickety frame are better suited to miming the act of bowling with a Wiimote than engaging in oversized-sword battles, but it doesn't stop him from trying, at least in between doing crosswords and being engrossed by Reader's Digest.

Pikachu, Pokemon

Years of violent enslavement have left Pikachu's psyche scared with misery. When he grows tired of repressing memories with beer and cartons of cigarettes, he suffocates his woes with banalities like The People's Court and the weekly bingo game at the rec center.

Don't let the grotesqueifying of beloved game characters end here, post your own renditions in the forums! The only prize is the satisfaction of having made us cringe, but if we get enough entries we'll post our favorites on GR in a follow-up feature.

Obviously we used Photoshop, but your medium is your choice, just make 'em disturbing.


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