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助けておねがいします!!! Japanese Writing Assessment

Willow-chan

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Konnichiwa, minasan!
I know this thread requests only short translations, but even so, I would really like to seek help from somebody who could go over my Japanese writing assessment for me! I'm only taking a beginners course, and it is meant to be really rather simplistic, but I've been studying by myself for longer than I've been taking the course, and studying hard at that! So I've tried to make it a little more complicated in places. My request is for someone to point out or rectify any glaring mistakes- or, in the event that the piece is just riddled with errors, to advise me to re-write the assessment more simplistically!
I really hope someone can help me out,
Arigatou in advance!
Willow-chan x :x3::geek::p

Version 1: Romaji
Watashi no ichinichi.
Watashi to watashi no kare, Jakku, wa watashi no tanjoubi ni umi e ikimashita.
Sangatsu nijuuyokka kayoubi ni ikimashita.
Jakku no akai kuruma de ikimashita.
Tochuu, hakubutsukan ni ikimashita.
Sore wa Eden Camp sensou no hakubutsukan deshita. Soshite, watashitachi wa omoshiroi to omoimashita ga, kanashikatta to chotto kowakatta deshita.
Tenki ga kareta deshita.
Torai no ato ni, watashitachi no kote-ji e ikimashita, sore wa ookikatta desu yo!
Furuba de, sauna demo arimashita!
Ribingu wa ookikatta desu, shokutaku ga sofua no ushiro ni arimashita.
Intanetto ga arimashita node, watashitachi wa bikkurishita to shiwase deshita!
Atode, umi ni sanpo o shimashita, soshite iwa ni noborimashita. tanoshikatta desu!
Roku ji goro, sakana no resutoran ni ikimashita. jakku wa sakana to furaido poteto o tabemashita.
Watashi wa daiichikai sake (鮭) o tabemashita. oishikatta naa!
Shikashi, zenbu o tabemasendeshita, totemo ookikatta ninmae desu kara.
Yoru wa onwa deshita ga, meccha kurakatta desu.
Kote-ji ni iku tochuu de, watashitachi wa mayoimashita.
Kote-ji de, sofua ni suwatte o shimashita soshite, Mario Kart o yarimashita.
Jakku wa anime o miru youni tokifusemashita. Watashitachi mo Blackadder ya Archer o mimashita.
Shin'ya ni, sauna o tsukaimashita. Shikashi, nagaiai o tsukaimasendeshita, atsusugimashita kara.
Saigo ni, beddo ni pasokon de burakkuadā o mimashita.
Bangumi no ma ni, watashitachi wa nemurimashita, soshite pasokon wa yuka ni ochimashita!
Unyoku, sore wa kowaremasendeshita!
Ryokō wa totemo tottemo tanoshikatta!

Version 2: Kana/Kanji
私の1日
私と私の彼、ジャックは私の誕生日に海へ行きました。
3月24日火曜日に行きました。
ジャックの赤い車で行きました。
途中、博物館に行きました。
それはイーデンカンプ戦争の博物館でした。そして、私達は面白かったと思いましたが、悲しかったとちょっと恐かったです。
天気が晴れやかでした。
到来の後に、私達のコテージへ行きました、それは大きかったですよ!
風呂場で、サウナでもありました!
リビングは大きかったです、食卓がソファの後ろにありました。
インタネットがありましたので、私達はびっくりしたと幸せでした!
後で、海に散歩をしました、そして岩に登りました。楽しかった!
6時ごろ、魚のレストランに行きました。ジャックは魚とフライドポテトを食べました。
私は第一回に鮭を食べました。おいしかったなあ!
しかし、全部を食べませんでした、とても大きいにんまえでしたから。
夜は温和でしたが、めっちゃ暗かったです。
コテージに行く途中で、私達は迷いました。
コテージで、ソファに座ってをしましたそして、マリオカートをやりました。
ジャックにアニメを見るように説き伏せました。私達もブラックアダーやアーチャーを見ました。
深夜に、サウナを使いました。しかし、長い間を使いませんでした、暑すぎましたから。
最後に、ベッドにパソコンでブラックアダーを見ました。
番組の間に、私達は眠りました、そしてパソコンは床に落ちました!
運良く、それは壊れませんでした!
旅行はとてもとっても楽しかった!
 
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Toritoribe

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第一回に鮭を食べました, 大きいにんまえ and ソファに座ってをしました are obvious mistakes.
It's understandable what you wanted to say, but... sounds unnatural throughout the whole essay.
 

Willow-chan

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大きいにんまえ and ソファに座ってをしました are obvious mistakes.
It's understandable what you wanted to say, but... sounds unnatural throughout the whole essay.
Damn it :( I really appreciate your response but is there any chance you could elaborate on the unnatural sounding aspect? I have no idea how to fix that :unsure::(
Doumo arigatou gozaimasu x
 

Willow-chan

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What you are asking is a bit beyond reasonable. Better you talk face to face with one of your instructors or hire someone to assist you than overload our staff here. Thanks and good luck.
Right, terribly sorry for the inconvenience .. :unsure:
 

nekojita

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More general comments:

と cannot join adjectives (悲しかったとちょっと恐かった ). It is not a general "and", it is only for nouns (猫と犬、私とジャック etc). If you haven't been taught that (or te-form, it seems), your sentences are going to sound a bit stilted and unnatural. That can't be helped, really.

You also need to be a bit cautious in looking up new words ( 天気が晴れやか stood out to me). It's easy to pick something out of a dictionary that seems like it works but that doesn't mean it's a natural collocation (some words go together). 天気がいい (appropriately conjugated) would be better.

Use a dictionary which is:
specifically for English to Japanese
has a sufficient number of example sentences that you can be sure of how the word should be used
ideally, a beginner's dictionary (a limited word set is actually a bonus here)
 

Willow-chan

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Ok, thank you for your time. I'll read up on te-form and try re-write my assessment.
 

nekojita

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If you haven't been taught about it yet, don't worry. Initially there will be places where you sound stilted because you haven't learnt certain bits of grammar yet - it's more important to make sure what you do know you're using right. Hence, look over your notes と again, your teacher should have made it abundantly clear that this is not a general "and". It is a common beginner mistake, but one you need to iron out early.

Learning how to properly use a dictionary is also incredibly important. The main thing is to be aware that any given word often has different meanings in different contexts, and it's important to translate the meaning, not the word.

e.g.: "This is his first novel."
"This is the first book of a trilogy."
"First, let's talk about your latest novel."

These "first"s are not the same. We can show this easily without using a second language - you could also say "debut novel" but not "debut book of a trilogy". (Learning a second language often makes you take a harder look at your first, or at least I think it should). So it won't come as a surprise in these cases that they're not necessarily the same word in Japanese.

The same is true in reverse - you'll come across plenty of things in Japanese that have many meanings and uses (met かける yet?) or that are difficult to translate (よろしくおねがいします). Just slapping in the first English word you find in a dictionary is the source of a lot of bad translations.
 

Willow-chan

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If you haven't been taught about it yet, don't worry. Initially there will be places where you sound stilted because you haven't learnt certain bits of grammar yet - it's more important to make sure what you do know you're using right. Hence, look over your notes と again, your teacher should have made it abundantly clear that this is not a general "and". It is a common beginner mistake, but one you need to iron out early.

Learning how to properly use a dictionary is also incredibly important. The main thing is to be aware that any given word often has different meanings in different contexts, and it's important to translate the meaning, not the word.

e.g.: "This is his first novel."
"This is the first book of a trilogy."
"First, let's talk about your latest novel."

These "first"s are not the same. We can show this easily without using a second language - you could also say "debut novel" but not "debut book of a trilogy". (Learning a second language often makes you take a harder look at your first, or at least I think it should). So it won't come as a surprise in these cases that they're not necessarily the same word in Japanese.

The same is true in reverse - you'll come across plenty of things in Japanese that have many meanings and uses (met かける yet?) or that are difficult to translate (よろしくおねがいします). Just slapping in the first English word you find in a dictionary is the source of a lot of bad translations.
Thank you, what you've said is really useful. I do still want to learn the te-form though!
For instance, with this sentence I had-
Atode, umi ni sanpo o shimashita, soshite iwa ni noborimashita.
Would it be better like this?
Atode, umi ni sanpo o shite, soshite iwa ni noborimashita.

From the reading up on te-form I've done this morning, this is my understanding of it. You don't have to help me anymore of course, someone else told me my post isn't really appropriate for this thread and I'm sorry for that :( But I'm really grateful of your help so far, thank you so much.
 

Willow-chan

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Thank you, what you've said is really useful. I do still want to learn the te-form though!
For instance, with this sentence I had-
Atode, umi ni sanpo o shimashita, soshite iwa ni noborimashita.
Would it be better like this?
Atode, umi ni sanpo o shite, soshite iwa ni noborimashita.

From the reading up on te-form I've done this morning, this is my understanding of it. You don't have to help me anymore of course, someone else told me my post isn't really appropriate for this thread and I'm sorry for that :( But I'm really grateful of your help so far, thank you so much.
Actually I don't think I need the 'soshite' either, do I? :)
 

nekojita

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そして should only go at the start of sentences. e.g.:

うみ  さんぽ して、いわ に のぼりました。そして、レストラン に いきました。

(で since you've already got to the beach, it's where you're walking)

It's fine to ask individual questions, it's just that a line-by-line check of your entire essay is a bit much. Also, it's better that it represents your best effort, not ours, so your teacher knows what you need help with.
 
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